2023 NYE Post

Journal Prompt: Lessons I learned in 2023, and what I want to bring into 2024.

It's easy to look back at the past year and think, well, it was just another year. But there are always changes, and always things to reflect on. And while I didn't have any major life events in 2023, it was still quite eventful for me.

This past year, I continued to experience the joy of watching my amazing two little ones grow, and learn, and teach me about the type of parent I want to be. While I am instrumental in shaping their growth, they are absolutely instrumental in shaping mine. The inspire me to endeavor to do better - both for them and myself. They inspire me to look inside and figure out why I am the way I am. And this year there was a lot to unpack.

I learned about Shadow Work this year, which if you are unfamiliar sounds scary... and well, depending on your past trauma, it kind of is; however, it's really another term for connecting to your past or hidden self, doing the inner work, and really digging into what positive intent those versions of yourself, those past selves, those selves we either bury, ignore, hide, and yet are so intrinsically connected to us that they do have so much influence in defining us... And all that defining could mean that they are holding us back in some way or keeping us from some kind of positive intent.

I spend so much time ruminating on the past, especially the mistakes I've made; the things I could have, would have, should have said or done. But I don't always spend a lot of time forgiving myself. I don't take the time to accept those past selves or the past moments that I'm not proud of as being in the past; determine how I can move forward, and even loving those versions of myself. This work I've been doing, has really helped me not only identify and work with my triggers, but to move forward in a self-loving way.

I really learned in 2023 was to do the inner work. To not only acknowledge the past in a clinical, sort of analytical way, but to really hone into it on a spiritual level. And while I know I still have so much more to do; I feel like I've discovered things I wouldn't have even considered before. And it's hard at times, it's especially hard for me to allow myself to let the past, the trauma, the grief in, to feel these things in an accepting loving sort of way; however, it's really beautiful too.

So, just like past years, I'm thinking about the things I want to bring into the New Year, what my intentions for the New Year are, and this year I’m also thinking about what I want to leave behind. What I'm endeavoring to leave behind is resentment, self-depreciation, and repressing my feelings. What I'm endeavoring to bring into the New Year is a sense of peacefulness. My intentions for the year are to live a peaceful as possible life, both in my head and in my home. My intentions for the new year are to be present in the cozy moments, to appreciate those moments my children are snuggling with me on the couch, or wanting me to play with them, and to just get up and play! The news, the memes, the inner chatter, it can all just wait while I take the time to just be in the moment with my kids and grow with them.

My intention for this year also includes getting better at visualization (I mediate daily, but my random thoughts are so distracting, and my daydreams often take over that I can often only use guided meditations) and continue being generally present in the moment with myself too.

I've also spent some time this year re-connecting with my spiritual side in general. It's been really beautiful, and I'm really intrigued by continuing to explore this side of myself. My intention for the new year is also to explore this spiritual path further with a sense of wonder and appreciation.

I watched a video recently where a creator advised that instead of resolutions, they assign a word for the year. Each month, they reflect back on that word and how they accomplished it in the prior month. While I personally think of what I'm bringing into the new year as intentions, I like this idea too. Thinking about this, I think the word I would like to assign to the upcoming year is "growth". Personal growth, growth in my career, growth in my spiritual path.

So, there it all is. What did you learn in 2023? What are you brining into 2024?

It doesn’t heal

(Work in progress)

Time does not heal all wounds

The load does not lighten

I may have grown stronger, in a sense

I may not appear to be carrying much at all

But the load remains the same weight

Some days I carry the load uphill

My knees buckle

My body burns

My body yearns for release

So I let myself release

But the load remains the same weight

Some days I carry the load over long distances

My knees endure 

My body yearns

My body weathers it all

So I let myself go on

But the load remains the sand weight

Some days I carry the load through storms

My knees fail 

My body says it can’t take anymore

So I tell myself to keep going

And the load remains the same weight

I will never stop believing you should still be here

I know that’s not what you would have wanted

I will never let go of you, my tribute to you, my grief paid

I know that’s not what you would have wanted

But the load remains the same weight

I’m not ready

I love you

I miss you

And the load remains the same weight.

Only I Will Remain

 

One general theme of therapy (both in the past when I sought it professionally, and recently as I’m diving personally into my trauma) is that as humans we can (and do) hold several emotions and states of being at the same time. And also, that while it doesn't feel good to feel sad, or afraid, or negative emotions in general; it's okay to feel those things and that we need to allow ourselves to feel those things. In fact, recognizing those things and working through them is what is needed in those moments – instead of our general tendence to reject them.

I think from a logical perspective, I've always known that. But I think recently I've become better at integrating that. It's so easy for me to push down emotions that I don't like. Things I don't want to feel. And what does that get me? What has that always gotten me? Anxiety. Now, like those other emotions I don't want to feel, anxiety is also something I've tried very hard to tamp down. But I know, and what I've been working through this morning, is allowing myself to feel two things at once so that I can process it, let it pass through me, and then allow myself to move forward from there. 

This morning I'm realized that I'm catching another Fall virus, and I'm feeling a little sad as I'm trying to grieve and let go of the expectations I used to have for what I wanted my life to look like (more on this later). I'm also feeling extraordinarily grateful and joyful because I had another awesome break through yesterday.

So, about the breakthrough. One of my biggest reasons for working through my trauma, is that I know that I have triggers, and sometimes those triggers happen as a result of being a parent. Yesterday, I recognized two major triggers and didn't allow myself to react to them in the moment - writing that out makes it sound easy and trivial; however, for me it was a huge moment. I took my three- and five-year-old to a new playground, a huge playground. We stayed longer than we usually stay at playgrounds, but once my three-year-old started coughing in the chilly air and having a drink (or several) didn't help, I identified it was time to go. I gave the 10-minute warning. I allowed my thee-year-old told to climb just one more time before we left. We gave hugs to the friends we saw at the park. I did everything that I could to ensure a smooth transition (transitions can be hard at this age). So, when I said, "Okay, it's time to go now," my three year old bolted. I gave her a warning, and I was about to count to three when I realized she was purposing running out of ear shot. I walked calmly after her. She kept sprinting further and further away. So, I asked my five year old to hold my tea (literally, I had covered green tea because it's chill out), and I sprinted after my three year old. When I picked up my three-year-old, she began kicking me as hard as she could. Enter the triggers.

There were two triggers in this scenario that could have easily caused me to become angry. When I'm angry in public I tend to growl when speaking or otherwise just be super grumpy, and in private sometimes the triggers cause me to raise my voice (which I always feel super ashamed of and apologize for immediately following). The triggers in this scenario were being physically harmed (or the attempt at being physically harmed), and embarrassment - moms were looking at us, giving disapproving glances. Which like, side bar, what the actual fuck? Like, moms of the world, we need to support one another! I don't care if you're raising tiny humans that always listen to you and do what is asked of them, no tantrums or whatever it is that makes you feel superior - have some fucking empathy! Or maybe, I don't know, offer to help? I mean, maybe don't offer to help if the mom has the situation in hand, but don't shoot moms dirty looks. Either keep your looks to yourself or smile or anything other than grumpy judgmental looks. Now, I admit, with the embarrassment factor, I could have easily been just feeling judged and that's on me (but this one lady, I dunno, she did not look empathetic, she was rolling her eyes - at me). Ah well, but I digress.

Now for the breakthrough. I didn't get angry. Now, I don't suspect this will always be the case, and in the future if I get angry in a similar scenario, my hope is that I would recognize it, work through it (with deep breaths) and then react. But in this scenario, when I picked her up and she started kicking me repeatedly, I put her down gently, got down to her level and told her in a very calm yet direct tone that she was being very unkind to mommy and that it was time to go. Then she laughed and kicked me some more and attempted to run away. In this moment, I knew that I wasn't going to get her to listen to reason. So, I picked her up like a football, and walked her out of the park (que the additional dirty looks from judgy mom - at which point, I furled my eyebrows and gave her a judgy look in return. She looked away. That's right, ya judgy non-empathetic person, mind your business). 

Three-year-old was very upset that I was carrying her like a football. My five-year-old was being amazing, and completely helpful - I was so grateful because at times when my three-year-old is misbehaving, that's seems to be like a que for my five-year-old to also misbehave. Maybe she was ready to go too, maybe asking for her help gave her a task to focus on (holding my drink, standing close to me), but overall, I was so incredibly proud of her. Anyways, about half-way to the car (all the parking lots were across fields, which in my mind is not the best design choice for mom's trying to haul their squirmy toddlers out of a park) my three-year-old asked to be put down. I asked her if she was going to stay with me, and she said yes. So, we walked most of the way back to the car. But as I was trying to get my keys from my pocket, she attempted to bolt again. Once again, I asked my five-year-old to hold my drink, and I had to hold on to my three-year-old (this time it was a bit scarier as we were at the cusp of a very busy parking lot). But I still remained calm. I asked my five-year-old to wait for me on the grass in front of the car while I corralled my three-year-old into her car seat. My five-year-old did wander a little bit, but I asked her to come back towards the car, and she did so (amazing).

I'm super proud of myself because I behaved exactly how I always wanted to behave in these moments. I was so calm and collected during this whole exchange. Because what would yelling or losing my shit in that moment have accomplished? Nothing other than instilling a feeling of dysregulation in both myself and my kids. My three-year-old would have still misbehaved, and in reality, my five-year-old probably would have misbehaved too. I also made sure that as I was strapping in my five-year-old into her seat, I gave her so much praise, which also felt so good. "Thank you so much for helping me by holding my drink while I got (three-year-old) into the car. Thank you so much for following directions. I really appreciate you." And she beamed. So, I beamed. I was so proud of both me and my five-year-old in that moment. 

I feel so grateful and joyful for how far I've come. There's no "cured" from my anxiety, but achieving these moments feels so damn good. Now, don't get me wrong, I did get angry the day before when both kids were yelling at me, and I was trying to make dinner, and my five-year-old started screaming at the top of her lungs, and I got so overstimulated I couldn't even think straight... that's a work in progress. I certainly tried to breathe through that moment, but something about the screaming is so hard for me to overcome. That's probably another shadow self-waiting in the wings to evaluate. 

Now, circling back to the holding more than one emotion at a time. In addition to the joy holding on, and feeling pretty happy overall, I'm also a little sad this morning. Like, I feel super grateful and happy about yesterday, but there's something persistent in the back of my mind, completely unrelated to the grateful and joyful things I've been feeling lately. I think it's this sort of grief, this sense of letting go of expectations. My life isn't the life I always dreamed of. It's certainly close, but there's one aspect in particular that is sort of falling apart (that I will need to journal about privately I think). And that's something that is going to take time to process. So, for this morning, I'm letting myself feel a little bit of that sadness and grief too before I do some calming/processing exercises and affirmations. I’m not quite crying, but I took some deep breaths as if I was crying to try to let myself feel it.

So, about affirmations... I've kind of always hated and rejected that practice. There’s just something about it in the past that has felt cheesy to me. Now, I see the value. I'm trying to do some affirmations daily to sort of reprogram my brain a little bit. I think growing up I felt so worthless for so long, and even though as an adult I recognize that isn't true, there's still a bit of programming in the back of my mind that feels that way at times. It tends to come up when I'm not feeling my best self, or when I feel grief - a sneaky little secondary emotion waiting to pile on when I'm already feeling low.

Anyways, I think the affirmations are starting to help, and it got me thinking about little things I used to say to myself when I was attempting to tamp down emotions instead of letting them be felt and flow through me - it got me thinking about the Litany Against Fear (from Frank Herbert’s "Dune"). I think the Litany Against Fear is pretty bad ass, but I have some re-writes for the sake of both my attempt to geek out as I do, but also work into my affirmations for when I start to feel a negative emotion I would have previously tried to reject (fear, anxiety, sadness, grief). Overall I love it, but it just needs a few tweaks/additions for me to work it into my affirmations.

The original:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

 My rewrite:  

I will feel fear.
Yet, fear is not the mind-killer.
Fear will not bring total obliteration, but instead understanding.
I will face my fear. I will embrace my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be clarity. Only understanding will remain. Only I will remain. 

Maybe that still needs some work, but it feels good to me right now. I'm going to write it on one of my cool sticky note cards and put up next so some of my other affirmations. Affirmations like "What is the best that could happen" or "I am loyal, forgiving, and gentle to me." I've also been enjoying doodling the affirmations and just generally getting in touch with the things, big and small, that make me happy. Even as I finish this entry, I'm feeling a little bit lighter. As though I've taken a weight off my chest. Thank you journals, thank you blog, for giving me a way to work through these things, big and small, and consider one of the affirmations that I sometimes struggle to believe - "I am enough". 

The Shadow Knows

 

So I started doing some shadow work the last few weeks. No, I didn't buy the "shadow work journal", and I didn't allow myself to hyper-fixate to learn how it works exactly and to over-intellectualize it (as I'm so prone to do as an over thinker). I just learned some basics, recognized that I have a boat load of trauma to work through, and sort of dove in. That might not have been the best approach, I probably wouldn't recommend it to a friend if they asked me about it. That being said, I think I'm starting to have some break throughs with it.

I've also started to keep a physical journal (instead of randomly pouring my thoughts here every few months).  And I think overall that's helpful. Although, I'm also going to try to avoid re-reading everything from both the sessions and my daily afterthoughts and processing of it all. Mostly because I want to integrate these past (shadow) selves instead of re-processing, potentially re-traumatizing myself. I'm trying to get to this point where I allow myself to feel what I need to feel and to let it go. Which leads me to reoccurring themes.

One reoccurring theme is damnit, I'm still struggling to let things go. Let go of people, let go of feelings, let go of the past. It's a tough one. Another reoccurring theme is that when I was going through these times of trauma, I did not have a trusted adult in which to turn, which in a way is a form of trauma in of itself. Another theme is that I'm recognizing that I would never allow my children to go through these things. There are certain things that we cannot protect our children from; however, there's so much more we can be doing for them. I think that's my biggest motivation for doing this in general - because with trauma comes triggers, and my triggers are the things I need to really work on. I don't want to react in anger or any other knee jerk reactions. I want to be present, patient, understanding with my kids. While I don't anticipate I will turn into a saint overnight, and I'm still going to be human when all is said and done; I want to be the best version of myself as possible for my kids.

One thing that's rather difficult with my shadow work sessions is that I usually come away pretty depressed. I do some self-care, some journaling, some meditation; however, overall I feel super heavy in my chest afterwards. I recognize that it's a process, and it will probably be a long process as I'm uncovering more and more of my past moments in time where these traumatic things occurred, or past versions of myself that I'm not particularly proud of and need to recognize and forgive. But it is tough. I get why they recommend you do this work with a therapist. And if after I go through all of these things, I'm still not feeling like I'm making headway, I probably will seek out a new therapist. But for now, I guess my journal is my therapist. Also therapy can be kind of difficult when you’re hyper-self-aware. Often times, therapists can have a hard time directing someone like me.

I feel like yesterday I had this kind of breakthrough though. For the first time, I was able to tap into this former self and feel this kind of gratefulness and joy afterwards. When I was around 24 or 25 I was living away from home for a few years for the first time with my then boyfriend. The longer we were together, the worse our relationship became (we started dating when I was 20). I wasn't the best version of myself at the time (trying to give myself a bit of grace and forgiveness as that's also something I'm working on); however, I knew something at that time - I knew by that time that I wanted to have kids someday. I didn't know when or with whom, but I knew that's what I wanted. And the longer I was in that relationship, the more I realized that my boyfriend at the time did not want to have kids, and never would. And I realized that one of two things were going to happen if he and I stayed together - either I was going to wake up one day having never had the opportunity to have kids and completely resent him, or we were going to have kids and he was going to resent me and possibly them because he never wanted that.

So, as I was asking this former version of myself things like, what did you need at the time that you didn't get, what positive intent are you keeping us from? And forgiving myself and processing (all the things you do during shadow work), and... I got to tell her something before integrating her into our current self. I got to tell her that it was all worth it. I got to tell her that after years of being patient, making mistakes, and waiting for the right person, she got to have kids. I got to have kids. I got to have the kids I always wanted, and that they're wonderful. 

My life is so much stranger and so much more interesting than I could have ever imagined. And it's also so much better. I have so much joy. I'm so grateful to be where I'm at right now. Yes, I need work. My mental health will probably always be a work in progress. But I'm also so fucking lucky. I'm so fucking amazed to be living in a time where I have so many resources and so much I can learn. And I'm so fucking grateful for how far I've come. Everything that has ever happened to me has led to this point in time, and while life is an everchanging journey, right now I'm grateful to be me. Thank you, universe.

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Side note, not related to this post, I just edited this Blog in Word because for some reason spell check isn't working Chrome right now, and Word's suggestion just now is so funny to me. No one is reading this, but if you are reading this and you haven't come to accept that I'm a cursey little cursing person; well, you should probably move along. Haha.

This Corner of the World

 

"I'm pretty sure this corner of the world is the lonliest corner in the whole world." 

That's not exactly a positive start, but it is a start. I'm having trouble getting started with writting lately... and by lately I mean for the past decad or so. At any rate, I thought I would just start with the song that's presently in my head. Damn I love the Menzingers. But what I'm also doing is working on starting up my gratefulness practice a bit ahead of November. Why? because Thanksgiving is a farce, and because I want to change and grow right now. 

I want to start moving and thinking in a more positive way instead of letting all the shitty things cosume me - My loneliness, feeling like I'm not the best mom I can be, feeling undervalued at work; just generally allowing other people to influence how I'm feeling. I'm done giving those things my energy. Yes, there will still be the trauma and grief still underlying my existence, and that is part of who I am no matter how I spin, reframe, or flip it. But I can choose to move through my day differently. I can choose how I react to things. I can choose what I take in. And I can choose to spend more of my energy on the things that I feel matter most to me.

So what do I want to give my energy? The people and the things that I love. Being grateful, and loving, and kind. So that's my new goal. And not in a false positivity or ultimatley fake way. But I think if I spend more times focusing on the positive things that I'll feel more positive. That's kind of how it works right? You put more positive things into the universe, think of things in a more positive light, spend more time doing the things you love and doing things for the people that you love, and you will start to feel more positive in general. Well, that's my hope, so I'm going to work on it.

So what am I grateful for? Jinkes, so many things. I've started a couple of physical journals for that part. Yes, two journals (and I'm eyeing a third). I'm thinking my various journals will be for different things. Maybe that will change their energy, or how I perceive their energy, or maybe it won't. Maybe nothing is real. I mean, we could be a computer simulation. So why not make the most of the time I'm in this program? 

But looping back to my gratefulness practice (along with general mindfulness becuase that's a thing to tack on to this too, right) right now I'm grateful for my creative space. I spent some time this morning reorganizing my tiny corner of my house, and that feels pretty good. I also had to do work productive things for my day job, but add that to my list of things that make me feel happy. 

Oh yeah, I also started a list of things that make me feel happy. It's something I can refer to when I'm feeling low, and I can just look at the list and do one of those things. Like doodling or writing (haha), or creating custom reports at work because I'm a badass and no one else knows how to do the things I do at my day job. The list is getting pretty long, but I'm just going to keep adding to it because I'm worth it. 

Another thing I'm considering is diving into shadow work. Now, I don't presently have a counselor. Or at least my counselor went MIA a year ago. But I think I'm pretty self-aware, and I'm pretty saavy with all the DBT methods at this point where I think I can move forward in a productive way. I either need to move forward in addressing my truama myself, or get another counselor. And really, I don't think I have it in me to go through the process of finding another counselor. Or maybe I do. Maybe this will backfire fantastically and I'll have no choice. But what I've found in my life, over and over again, is that the only way to is through. And if it doesn't work, then on to the next thing. And the next thing. And the next thing. It's either part of my journey, or it's not. If one road doesn't work out, I'll find another road, or a trail, or fucking learn how to make a road. I'm good at hyperfocusing and learning new things. But giving up is not on my options list. 

Rapid Decompression

 

I got back from a long roadtrip yesterday, and I have somehow set up my house so that I am fully alone today - no work, no kids, no spouse. A house alone with just a full day of unpacking, laundry, and mentally decompressing from fun, yet mentally complicated, family visit/ vacation(ish). It was kind of a rollercoaster of a trip. So let's unpack.

As the dirty clothes from the trip are washing and drying, I have loaded a dishwasher, finished unpacking the suitcases, put away all the left over snacks, vacuumed out the van, sorted out the remaining boxes of random roadtrip things, and I'm enjoying listening to Against Me! very loudly... I decide that it's worth decompressing in the best way possible. Writing down my feelings! *cue sad horn, womp womp* [Oh, and this morning I have also started putting up contact paper wall paper over the wall mirrors because one now has a crack and the others feel loose, and it's looking like we're going to have to take these suckers down ourselves]. Anyways, I'm taking a moment to decompress from it all.

First off, overall, we had a really fun time. My kids were just super well behaved, and there were very few meltdowns. I'm just so impressed with them, and they are amazing human beings. I seriously feel so lucky to be where I'm at in life overall. I also had the rare opportunity to really sit down and chat with my nieces and nephews. It was so good to reconnect with both sets of my sisters kids. They're growing up to be such kind and intelligent people that I could not be more proud of.

But on the flip side, I had a very anxious trip. Why the anxiety? I think there were several contributing factors. 

Going back home in of itself is huge trigger for me. There's just something about that area that is so hard for me to be around - it's like I'm stepping back in time to all those moments where all of the sad things happened. I think I'm better about re-centering myself and stopping to focus on the present when I find myself in those moments; however, that still didn't prevent me from stepping into those past moments in the first place. So regardless of me utilizing my tools, those moments are still back up towards the surface of my thoughts. I also start having to pack and prepare about a week out from a big trip, and that always adds a bit of frantic energy into any travel with my kids coming out of the gate.

The other triggers? My mom crying quite a bit, which is alway hard. Dealing with my mom in general is and will probably always will be, very difficult - I love her, she is toxic, it is what it is. Talking about her would be an entire other blog post worth.

Then there was something that happened to someone I love that is not my story to tell, and when there is something like that going on with someone I love, sometimes it's like I actually feel what they feel and take it on to an extent. So while I would not tell this person that this occurred, it was certainly a contributing factor.

Then I ended up having to confront another one of my worst anxiety triggers - heights. Fucking heights. So leading up to going into a heights situation, I had a really shitty anxiety attack. Just for the fun of it all, it seemed like the worst anxiety attack I've had in quite a while (a few years I want to say). But you know what? When we got into the situation, my kids were so stinking happy, and I had been meditating all morning trying to get my shit under control - the anxiety stopped. I was just able to enjoy the moment with my kids, and it was so special. I'm so glad that despite everything, I had this one opportunity to have a unique moment with my kids, and was able to be present for them (for us). And I even remembered to take pictures!

But the next day, to bookend the trip, there were storms nearly the entire 12 hour drive home, including running into a no-visibility thunderstorm early on. We were just so lucky to be near a rest stop where we were able to quickly pull in and wait out that storm pocket. But then we spent the bulk of the morning trying to basically outrun an even larger storm system coming into that area. Fortunately, we were able to get past the worst part of the storm front; however, there were these pockets of storms the entire rest of the way. I kept checking the radar for where we were at in the drive vs. where the storms were heading. It was as if by watching the radar and willing the car to go where it needed to go in time could somehow give me a sense of control of the situation. I felt like I was on high alert most of the drive. 

Towards the end of the trip the rain cleared, and it was really pretty when the sun was setting - the sun turned orange as it set down towards the light pink and yellow clouded horizon. The tree-filled hills were dark, but there was enough light to tint the tree line a dark green. The contrast was stark and beautiful. By that point of the trip, the girls were sick of devices, so they were both in the back drawing and coloring - singing their little sweet songs to themselves about how they had the best family ever. I'm so grateful that I had that moment at least to feel a bit a peace, taking stock of how grateful I am to have my family in my life and the really good parts about the trip.

I think after this I'm going to finish up the laundry and the wallpaper, and take at least 30 minutes to work out and at least 30 minutes to meditate. I'm already starting to feel better after writing all of this out. I think by the end of the day, I'll have this trip out of my system. Although I might come back and edit this post.

Sleeping Beauty

 

Oh hi there imaginary people who aren't reading my blog. Today's TWs include: death, Neurodivergence, self-diagnosis, rumination, and fears.

I often refer to our bedtime routine with our kids as the "bedtime routine of doom" because it takes a ridiculously long time (which is much shorter now than when they were younger, but still 1-2 hours a night), and because it can be physically and emotionally taxing. And during the work week in particular, it really feels as though we're experiencing the same night over and over again.

Each night the last few months, my partner lays down with our three year old until they fall asleep and I lay down with our five year old for a few minutes to read another bedtime story and help her calm down to go to sleep.

One thing that's kind of neat is that during that time, my five year old and I have the chance to chat one on one, which I think is a really important point of connection that we both appreciate. And I love that it gives her opportunities to just go over whatever is in her head. Now, she often delays my leaving her room for the night by continuing to ask me questions knowing that I have a hard time not responding (even if it's with a "I'm not prepared to respond to that right now, can you ask me later?); however, the topic that often comes up is death. And it's really difficult for me.

To start, I have strong suspicions that both my child and I are on the neurodivergence spectrum. While my own testing has stalled out due to a number of frustrating factors that I have just come to accept as "maybe someday I'll finally have a firm diagnosis" instead of a "maybe you have ADHD, ASD, and/or AuADHD", I know that eventually I'm going to likely have my children tested. I already approach numerous points of my gentle parenting practice around the ASD community approved parenting practices. 

So in light of that, my child seemingly obsessed with the concept of death seems like it's currently her "special interest". And it's incredibly triggering for me. I want her to have the ability to explore these themes without my influence or putting my baggage around death on her, but it's so hard at times. Sometimes it's so overwhelming and I just have to be honest with her - "Honey, this is something that's really hard for mommy to talk about. Can we talk about something else for a while?" But otherwise, I try to accommodate her curiosity as it usually seems to be more of an interest, rather than a fear (of which she has many). 

The last two nights, however, she has expressed that she doesn't want to die as a child. I've tried to assure her that it is very unlikely that she will die at any point in the near future. I started introducing the concept of being "present" in the moment and not letting ourselves being swept away by our worries (mindfulness, DBT type of talks), so I was attempting to do that. But I also always want to know why her brain is going down these thoughts. So I asked her why she's thinking about this. She said because she's afraid that dying will be painful. My worst fear is someone I love dying (which is a fear that has come to fruition way too many times), this is where things start to feel overwhelming for me and I'm deep breathing in attempt to stave off an anxiety attack. I told her that once again it is very unlikely she was pass away anytime soon and that we have no idea how or when it will happen. I told her to stay present and focus on where she is now. I held her close and told her that I love her very much. She asked me a few weeks ago if I would be sad if she died as a child, but I thought I had laid that conversation to rest by a) saying that I would be devastated and cannot imagine anything worse than that, but that b) I don't believe that will happen and that she doesn't need to worry about that (again reiterating that while we don't know anything for sure, she should remain present in the here and now and not focus on worrying about that). 

What's also hard is that as an internally spiritual, yet optimistic agnostic, I can't assure her that there's anything after this. When she asks about god and the afterlife, I often present things as "Some people believe xyz". What also throws a wrench into the mix is that her daycare provider is very Christian and when prompted has no problem talking about these subjects. I think her daycare provider thinks that this is somehow helping, but in reality, it often contradicts the things that I believe and tell my daughters. I also have concerns that my kid's interest in death stems from this. Then again, like half of the kids movies we've watched involves a parental figure dying (thanks Frozen), so it's coming from a few sources to be sure. And when asked, I have followed my own code of being honest with her to the best of my ability (with the appropriateness of age and childhood in mind), and said that my father and my brother have died. I'm sure my own trauma and inability to talk about those things completely objectively has played a role in her life. Especially since my brother died when she was just under one years old, and I have been sorting through that trauma ever since.

Anyways, there's no clean wrap up to this blog. I've been ruminating on this subject this week and just needed to sort it out a bit with some journaling. There's many times that I have referred to the various difficult stages we've encountered in raising children as a "season". Seasons pass, some things change, and some things come back around again. I wish that the death conversation wasn't something that kept coming back around, but I hope that I can keep assuring her and helping her remain present and focused on the good things.

Side note, Disney also kills off so many of it's villains too. Like, wow Disney, can we have just one princess movie where someone isn't killed off? We had a movie night Saturday night for the first time, which was super fun. Context: ever since she saw that there's a new Aurora Lego figure, she's become instantly obsessed with the character despite never having watched "Sleeping Beauty". So we watched "Sleeping Beauty" as a family for the first time, and I can't believe I forgot that they actually kill Maleficent at the end! I was super concerned going in because usually if there's any type of conflict (especially awkward humor conflict), she cannot continue to watch whatever it is. She will put her hands over her years and just writhe on the couch, scream, and in best case scenarios, run out of the room. I remember "Sleeping Beauty" being a pretty scary movie when I was little, especially as Maleficent turns into a dragon and says "hell". But Ahsoka didn't get upset at all! She loved the entire thing. 

Another thing to note about "Sleeping Beauty" which I kind of love, is that Aurora isn't really the main character. The fairies are! Like, how badass are they? They raise Aurora from infancy to a teenager. They help break Prince Phillip out of prison, they fight off Maleficent's evil hoards despite seeming rather week in magic by comparison to Maleficent. 

Also, Maleficent is easily one of the most badass villains of all time. She has no true rhyme no reason, she's just straight up a cold stone evil bitch. 

Camping

"... sometimes special people come into our lives, stay for a bit and then they have to go... But the bit where they were here was happy, wasn't it? Maybe that makes it all worth it?"

I'm trying to work through some things. This is not a blog post that will be logical or follow my usual essay-like pattern. This is a post to process.

I moved to a new state and city 16 years ago. I had a few friends in the area, and never really felt connected to the city in which I had just lived. Nor did I feel particularly connected to the place I grew up. I missed my old friends, but I didn't miss the area. Or maybe I didn't miss the memories.

I moved into a fourplex apartment building in what some might consider a rough neighborhood. But to me, it felt like home. It felt like a fresh start. But despite having a few friends in the area, it felt lonely too. 

Shortly after moving in, my next door neighbor Iain introduced himself. I could tell right off the bat that Iain was a character. He had this big personality. I knew immediately that I liked him. He was always working on the building grounds; working in the yard to plant or place beautiful plants or decorations. He wasn't hired to do that, he just loved making the world beautiful. He loved working with plants and gardens. He loved showing pride in the space where he lived. He had such a beautiful apartment. My cat Stewie became quick friends with Iain's dog Jaques. 

Iain could also tell that I was struggling financially, trying to make my new life work. He gave me things to spruce up my apartment, and took me out to lunch. He was so inviting, and I really felt like he had taken me under his wing. 

The summer after I moved in, Iain organized this whole building party in the back yard of the apartment. I thought it was just going to be the residents and friends having a small gathering with a few drinks, but Iain made it into such an amazing event. He bought a pool for us to utilize, and built a Tiki stand with light decorations, and oh the food. He put together so much food, recruiting me and another person new to the building to set it all up. I had never experienced something so fun, put together in such a short time.

That same year at Thanksgiving, I couldn't afford to go home. Iain found out and invited me and a few of my friends to join him and another friend at their house. Iain didn't blink an eyelash at helping host a group of young people. The whole evening was so warm and special to me.

In short, Iain filled my lonely world with light and color and beauty. At the end of my year lease, Iain and I both moved out of the apartment building, going our separate ways. But we always promised to keep in touch. And we did touch based a couple of times...

But, at this point, it's been a long time since I've seen Iain. I've kept up with him on social media, and I've done what I could to help support him during his health struggles in the past few years. But we never got a chance to reconnect like we'd always planned. Life always seemed to get in the way. And now, he's gone. He's gone, and I don't have a way to say that I'm so sorry that I didn't make the time. I'm so sorry that I took for granted some future space where everything just worked out, and he would get to meet my kids. He would get to see that he played a role in how much I loved living here. If it hadn't been for Iain's kindness the first year that I lived here, I'm not sure I would have stayed.

I guess there's still a part of me that believes in fate. There were so many contributing factors that lead to me moving here. But Iain will always be part of why I stayed. And for that, I will always be grateful. Iain, I hope you are at peace. I hope that you know that you are loved. I hope you know that you will be missed. And I hope one day, we will meet again. 

Do You Believe in Magic

I have an anxious five year old. I'm not sure when the anxiety started exactly, but I can't help but wonder if the pandemic starting when she was two years old didn't play a significant role. In our attempt to help her anxiety around TV shows and movies in particular (she gets very anxious and asks us to turn off the program if there is anything remotely embarrassing or conflicting occurring), we often say things like "It's not real, it's okay because this isn't really happening." I think by doing this so often, we've inadvertently removed some of the magic from her childhood. Maybe that's a silly thing to worry about, and maybe not, but I've started to look for ways to make things more magical.

Yesterday, we went to a theme park, and encountered two of her favorite characters (aka, people dressed up as her favorite characters in larger than life full body costumes making them seem like giant versions of her favorite cartoons). At first, she decided she did not want to meet them. But her three year old sister wanted to meet them. So my three year old and I waited in line, and just as we were about to meet the characters, my five year old changed her mind. It was so precious! They hugged, high-fived, and let us take an abundance of pictures. She seemed extremely happy and I was so happy for the opportunity. 

Last night as we were winding down and getting her into bed, we had our usual nightly chat. I asked her what her favorite part of the day was. She said going to the theme park and meeting her favorite characters, but then she paused and said "Yeah, but weren't those just people dressed up in costumes?" and I just froze. I wasn't sure what my next steps were going to be, but I said "What do you think?" She got a little frustrated and said "No, mom, I want you to tell me!" So I paused and took a deep breath. Was I really going to strip yet another magical moment from her childhood? But instead, I said something that I think satisfied both my desire to keep her childhood magical and her desire to have a complete response that was fun.

I said, "Sometimes more than one thing can be true at once. Places like <theme park> and Disney World are magical places. They're places where things can transform and magical, wonderful, things can happen; however, you have to believe in those things in order for them to happen. Kind of like how we know when we watch a movie that the actors are just actors, but the moment we're watching the movie they transform into those characters. It's called suspension of disbelief. So our inclination might be to disbelieve (or not believe) in something, but for a short period of time, we can choose to believe in the magic, which makes it more fun. So while the characters we met today may or may not have started out as people in costumes, when we're in a magical place, we choose to suspend our disbelief and that transforms them into those characters." me, pausing..."That was a whole lot of information I just put your way, does that make sense or do you need more?" 

Thoughtfully, she paused herself and said "That makes sense."

"So do you think you actually met <character> and <character>?"

"Yes, yes I did" she said smiling.

"So just remember, more than one thing can be true at once, and we can also choose to suspend our disbelief to participate in the fun and magic of the places we visit."

She nodded and rolled over to go to sleep.

So maybe I didn't 100% put magic into the day, but hopefully with her analytical brain, I was able to make things a little more magical for her. Sometimes, I'm just so surprised by the things she asks me that I don't have a way to explain them in the moment. Sometimes I say "You know honey, I'm just not prepared to talk to you about this right now. Do you think you could ask me another time?" and she almost always says yes. But I'm pleased with the way this conversation went. 

I'm also just blown away at the way she considered everything, and even asking about the characters just being people in costumes. I think when I was older than her age I might have thought the characters at theme parks were odd, but I don't think it would have occurred to me that they were just people in costumes. She's so smart, and has such an interesting way of looking at the world. I simply want to enable her to have a fun and magical childhood. I want to let her be a child as long as possible, while still fostering her incredibly creative yet analytical mind. I know I don't always get it right, but yesterday was a good day. 

Panic At the Disco

 

As I sit here waiting to leave my house to hop on a flight for the first time in over 5 years, I can't help but... panic. Like, just full on, panicking. Breathing techniques are not touching this. What do I do with this feeling? Well, blog about it of course. Let's fucking break this down into tiny pieces, pull back the layers; and hopefully by the time I'm through, I'll leave for the airport in a slightly better state than what I am in at this moment.

I've been an anxious flyer for a long time. Initially, I think it boils down to control and surprise. I'm not a pilot. I'm not flying the plane. I can't control what the plane is going to do, or where it's ultimately going to go. I'm just along for the ride. As much as I hate to admit it, I hate not being in control. And not only do I not to get to control or see the path forward, but I don't get to control when I get to drink next or eat a flight approved (and let's face it, not likely gluten free, so I'll be waiting much longer) snack, or even I get to get up and go to the bathroom. It's all at someone else's discretion.

Now for the surprise. SURPRSE! I hate turbulence. I mean, who likes turbulence? It's an unexpected drop or swerve, or large movement that you can't anticipate in anything other than a "this may happen on this flight" sort of sense. However, my hate streams more from my personal extreme sense of "OH SHIT, I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE" whenever there's turbulence. I also think that I have a rather sensitive... I'm not sure what... system? Brain? Stomach? All of the above? While everyone else on the plane seems to go "well, this is rather inconvenient, better put my seatbelt on", I'm bent over feeling like my stomach has been launched into my throat; trying desperately to avoid screaming. I also hate roller coasters. That slight feeling of weightlessness is terrifying to me. Bad news, I don't think I'm going to ever be an astronaut. 

Now, let's take a step back and dive in even deeper to that "OH SHIT, I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE" feeling I get. I mean, that's truly the heart of it, right? I'm terrified of dying. I'm scared shitless that I'm going to die and all of this whole existence will be snapped away. Furthermore, I'm afraid of dying and that there's literally nothing next - at least no conscious "next". Further, furthermore, I'm afraid of dying and traumatizing my kids the same way I was traumatized when my dad died when I was a young child. It really does often boil down to my kids and never wanting for them what I had.

I think I'm also a bit more anxious for this flight than in the past because this is the first time that I will have ever been away from my kids (except for during the work day). That has a bit to do with it. I'm already missing them and I haven't even left yet. 

I need this. I need a break. I need the mental break from both my day job and the complexities and needs of everyone around me all of the time at home. And it's just a weekend. It's just three days, only two of which I'll be gone from morning to night. 

But I'm a little sick thinking about not waking up with them every morning or being there at night to see them to bed. Maybe this will get easier as they get older, but for now, they need me and I feel like I'm abandoning them a little bit. They will be fine with their other parent of course, and their other parent has certainly been away from the kids for extended periods more than once. And there's ways to chat with my kids while I'm gone (thank you technology); but that doesn't take away from the notion that I'm also a little terrified something bad will happen while I'm not with them too. 

And now I think I've just managed to peel away another layer. Because that's part of this too. I'm terrified something will happen when I'm not around to be there for my family. And I know the why already. There's no surprises there - I've lost so many people that I'm often terrified of when I'll lose someone else. And that has only intensified with having kids. 

And there it is. I really thought the fear of my own death was going to be the final layer there. But it's more that I'm afraid of loosing the people that I love. There's some part of me that thinks that if I can just control everything around me enough (going back to that control layer), I can keep everyone safe. And that's just not how life works. However, getting my rational and irrational part of my brain to get on the same page for this... it's unlikely to happen. I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of years of counseling. But I don't think I'm ever going to stop being terrified of losing someone else.

Well, that concludes this episode of, I'm having a panic attack. Time for some more breathing exercises and mantras.