I got back from a long roadtrip yesterday, and I have somehow set up my house so that I am fully alone today - no work, no kids, no spouse. A house alone with just a full day of unpacking, laundry, and mentally decompressing from fun, yet mentally complicated, family visit/ vacation(ish). It was kind of a rollercoaster of a trip. So let's unpack.
As the dirty clothes from the trip are washing and drying, I have loaded a dishwasher, finished unpacking the suitcases, put away all the left over snacks, vacuumed out the van, sorted out the remaining boxes of random roadtrip things, and I'm enjoying listening to Against Me! very loudly... I decide that it's worth decompressing in the best way possible. Writing down my feelings! *cue sad horn, womp womp* [Oh, and this morning I have also started putting up contact paper wall paper over the wall mirrors because one now has a crack and the others feel loose, and it's looking like we're going to have to take these suckers down ourselves]. Anyways, I'm taking a moment to decompress from it all.
First off, overall, we had a really fun time. My kids were just super well behaved, and there were very few meltdowns. I'm just so impressed with them, and they are amazing human beings. I seriously feel so lucky to be where I'm at in life overall. I also had the rare opportunity to really sit down and chat with my nieces and nephews. It was so good to reconnect with both sets of my sisters kids. They're growing up to be such kind and intelligent people that I could not be more proud of.
But on the flip side, I had a very anxious trip. Why the anxiety? I think there were several contributing factors.
Going back home in of itself is huge trigger for me. There's just something about that area that is so hard for me to be around - it's like I'm stepping back in time to all those moments where all of the sad things happened. I think I'm better about re-centering myself and stopping to focus on the present when I find myself in those moments; however, that still didn't prevent me from stepping into those past moments in the first place. So regardless of me utilizing my tools, those moments are still back up towards the surface of my thoughts. I also start having to pack and prepare about a week out from a big trip, and that always adds a bit of frantic energy into any travel with my kids coming out of the gate.
The other triggers? My mom crying quite a bit, which is alway hard. Dealing with my mom in general is and will probably always will be, very difficult - I love her, she is toxic, it is what it is. Talking about her would be an entire other blog post worth.
Then there was something that happened to someone I love that is not my story to tell, and when there is something like that going on with someone I love, sometimes it's like I actually feel what they feel and take it on to an extent. So while I would not tell this person that this occurred, it was certainly a contributing factor.
Then I ended up having to confront another one of my worst anxiety triggers - heights. Fucking heights. So leading up to going into a heights situation, I had a really shitty anxiety attack. Just for the fun of it all, it seemed like the worst anxiety attack I've had in quite a while (a few years I want to say). But you know what? When we got into the situation, my kids were so stinking happy, and I had been meditating all morning trying to get my shit under control - the anxiety stopped. I was just able to enjoy the moment with my kids, and it was so special. I'm so glad that despite everything, I had this one opportunity to have a unique moment with my kids, and was able to be present for them (for us). And I even remembered to take pictures!
But the next day, to bookend the trip, there were storms nearly the entire 12 hour drive home, including running into a no-visibility thunderstorm early on. We were just so lucky to be near a rest stop where we were able to quickly pull in and wait out that storm pocket. But then we spent the bulk of the morning trying to basically outrun an even larger storm system coming into that area. Fortunately, we were able to get past the worst part of the storm front; however, there were these pockets of storms the entire rest of the way. I kept checking the radar for where we were at in the drive vs. where the storms were heading. It was as if by watching the radar and willing the car to go where it needed to go in time could somehow give me a sense of control of the situation. I felt like I was on high alert most of the drive.
Towards the end of the trip the rain cleared, and it was really pretty when the sun was setting - the sun turned orange as it set down towards the light pink and yellow clouded horizon. The tree-filled hills were dark, but there was enough light to tint the tree line a dark green. The contrast was stark and beautiful. By that point of the trip, the girls were sick of devices, so they were both in the back drawing and coloring - singing their little sweet songs to themselves about how they had the best family ever. I'm so grateful that I had that moment at least to feel a bit a peace, taking stock of how grateful I am to have my family in my life and the really good parts about the trip.
I think after this I'm going to finish up the laundry and the wallpaper, and take at least 30 minutes to work out and at least 30 minutes to meditate. I'm already starting to feel better after writing all of this out. I think by the end of the day, I'll have this trip out of my system. Although I might come back and edit this post.
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