The Shadow Knows

 

So I started doing some shadow work the last few weeks. No, I didn't buy the "shadow work journal", and I didn't allow myself to hyper-fixate to learn how it works exactly and to over-intellectualize it (as I'm so prone to do as an over thinker). I just learned some basics, recognized that I have a boat load of trauma to work through, and sort of dove in. That might not have been the best approach, I probably wouldn't recommend it to a friend if they asked me about it. That being said, I think I'm starting to have some break throughs with it.

I've also started to keep a physical journal (instead of randomly pouring my thoughts here every few months).  And I think overall that's helpful. Although, I'm also going to try to avoid re-reading everything from both the sessions and my daily afterthoughts and processing of it all. Mostly because I want to integrate these past (shadow) selves instead of re-processing, potentially re-traumatizing myself. I'm trying to get to this point where I allow myself to feel what I need to feel and to let it go. Which leads me to reoccurring themes.

One reoccurring theme is damnit, I'm still struggling to let things go. Let go of people, let go of feelings, let go of the past. It's a tough one. Another reoccurring theme is that when I was going through these times of trauma, I did not have a trusted adult in which to turn, which in a way is a form of trauma in of itself. Another theme is that I'm recognizing that I would never allow my children to go through these things. There are certain things that we cannot protect our children from; however, there's so much more we can be doing for them. I think that's my biggest motivation for doing this in general - because with trauma comes triggers, and my triggers are the things I need to really work on. I don't want to react in anger or any other knee jerk reactions. I want to be present, patient, understanding with my kids. While I don't anticipate I will turn into a saint overnight, and I'm still going to be human when all is said and done; I want to be the best version of myself as possible for my kids.

One thing that's rather difficult with my shadow work sessions is that I usually come away pretty depressed. I do some self-care, some journaling, some meditation; however, overall I feel super heavy in my chest afterwards. I recognize that it's a process, and it will probably be a long process as I'm uncovering more and more of my past moments in time where these traumatic things occurred, or past versions of myself that I'm not particularly proud of and need to recognize and forgive. But it is tough. I get why they recommend you do this work with a therapist. And if after I go through all of these things, I'm still not feeling like I'm making headway, I probably will seek out a new therapist. But for now, I guess my journal is my therapist. Also therapy can be kind of difficult when you’re hyper-self-aware. Often times, therapists can have a hard time directing someone like me.

I feel like yesterday I had this kind of breakthrough though. For the first time, I was able to tap into this former self and feel this kind of gratefulness and joy afterwards. When I was around 24 or 25 I was living away from home for a few years for the first time with my then boyfriend. The longer we were together, the worse our relationship became (we started dating when I was 20). I wasn't the best version of myself at the time (trying to give myself a bit of grace and forgiveness as that's also something I'm working on); however, I knew something at that time - I knew by that time that I wanted to have kids someday. I didn't know when or with whom, but I knew that's what I wanted. And the longer I was in that relationship, the more I realized that my boyfriend at the time did not want to have kids, and never would. And I realized that one of two things were going to happen if he and I stayed together - either I was going to wake up one day having never had the opportunity to have kids and completely resent him, or we were going to have kids and he was going to resent me and possibly them because he never wanted that.

So, as I was asking this former version of myself things like, what did you need at the time that you didn't get, what positive intent are you keeping us from? And forgiving myself and processing (all the things you do during shadow work), and... I got to tell her something before integrating her into our current self. I got to tell her that it was all worth it. I got to tell her that after years of being patient, making mistakes, and waiting for the right person, she got to have kids. I got to have kids. I got to have the kids I always wanted, and that they're wonderful. 

My life is so much stranger and so much more interesting than I could have ever imagined. And it's also so much better. I have so much joy. I'm so grateful to be where I'm at right now. Yes, I need work. My mental health will probably always be a work in progress. But I'm also so fucking lucky. I'm so fucking amazed to be living in a time where I have so many resources and so much I can learn. And I'm so fucking grateful for how far I've come. Everything that has ever happened to me has led to this point in time, and while life is an everchanging journey, right now I'm grateful to be me. Thank you, universe.

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Side note, not related to this post, I just edited this Blog in Word because for some reason spell check isn't working Chrome right now, and Word's suggestion just now is so funny to me. No one is reading this, but if you are reading this and you haven't come to accept that I'm a cursey little cursing person; well, you should probably move along. Haha.