This Corner of the World

 

"I'm pretty sure this corner of the world is the lonliest corner in the whole world." 

That's not exactly a positive start, but it is a start. I'm having trouble getting started with writting lately... and by lately I mean for the past decad or so. At any rate, I thought I would just start with the song that's presently in my head. Damn I love the Menzingers. But what I'm also doing is working on starting up my gratefulness practice a bit ahead of November. Why? because Thanksgiving is a farce, and because I want to change and grow right now. 

I want to start moving and thinking in a more positive way instead of letting all the shitty things cosume me - My loneliness, feeling like I'm not the best mom I can be, feeling undervalued at work; just generally allowing other people to influence how I'm feeling. I'm done giving those things my energy. Yes, there will still be the trauma and grief still underlying my existence, and that is part of who I am no matter how I spin, reframe, or flip it. But I can choose to move through my day differently. I can choose how I react to things. I can choose what I take in. And I can choose to spend more of my energy on the things that I feel matter most to me.

So what do I want to give my energy? The people and the things that I love. Being grateful, and loving, and kind. So that's my new goal. And not in a false positivity or ultimatley fake way. But I think if I spend more times focusing on the positive things that I'll feel more positive. That's kind of how it works right? You put more positive things into the universe, think of things in a more positive light, spend more time doing the things you love and doing things for the people that you love, and you will start to feel more positive in general. Well, that's my hope, so I'm going to work on it.

So what am I grateful for? Jinkes, so many things. I've started a couple of physical journals for that part. Yes, two journals (and I'm eyeing a third). I'm thinking my various journals will be for different things. Maybe that will change their energy, or how I perceive their energy, or maybe it won't. Maybe nothing is real. I mean, we could be a computer simulation. So why not make the most of the time I'm in this program? 

But looping back to my gratefulness practice (along with general mindfulness becuase that's a thing to tack on to this too, right) right now I'm grateful for my creative space. I spent some time this morning reorganizing my tiny corner of my house, and that feels pretty good. I also had to do work productive things for my day job, but add that to my list of things that make me feel happy. 

Oh yeah, I also started a list of things that make me feel happy. It's something I can refer to when I'm feeling low, and I can just look at the list and do one of those things. Like doodling or writing (haha), or creating custom reports at work because I'm a badass and no one else knows how to do the things I do at my day job. The list is getting pretty long, but I'm just going to keep adding to it because I'm worth it. 

Another thing I'm considering is diving into shadow work. Now, I don't presently have a counselor. Or at least my counselor went MIA a year ago. But I think I'm pretty self-aware, and I'm pretty saavy with all the DBT methods at this point where I think I can move forward in a productive way. I either need to move forward in addressing my truama myself, or get another counselor. And really, I don't think I have it in me to go through the process of finding another counselor. Or maybe I do. Maybe this will backfire fantastically and I'll have no choice. But what I've found in my life, over and over again, is that the only way to is through. And if it doesn't work, then on to the next thing. And the next thing. And the next thing. It's either part of my journey, or it's not. If one road doesn't work out, I'll find another road, or a trail, or fucking learn how to make a road. I'm good at hyperfocusing and learning new things. But giving up is not on my options list.