Sleeping Beauty

 

Oh hi there imaginary people who aren't reading my blog. Today's TWs include: death, Neurodivergence, self-diagnosis, rumination, and fears.

I often refer to our bedtime routine with our kids as the "bedtime routine of doom" because it takes a ridiculously long time (which is much shorter now than when they were younger, but still 1-2 hours a night), and because it can be physically and emotionally taxing. And during the work week in particular, it really feels as though we're experiencing the same night over and over again.

Each night the last few months, my partner lays down with our three year old until they fall asleep and I lay down with our five year old for a few minutes to read another bedtime story and help her calm down to go to sleep.

One thing that's kind of neat is that during that time, my five year old and I have the chance to chat one on one, which I think is a really important point of connection that we both appreciate. And I love that it gives her opportunities to just go over whatever is in her head. Now, she often delays my leaving her room for the night by continuing to ask me questions knowing that I have a hard time not responding (even if it's with a "I'm not prepared to respond to that right now, can you ask me later?); however, the topic that often comes up is death. And it's really difficult for me.

To start, I have strong suspicions that both my child and I are on the neurodivergence spectrum. While my own testing has stalled out due to a number of frustrating factors that I have just come to accept as "maybe someday I'll finally have a firm diagnosis" instead of a "maybe you have ADHD, ASD, and/or AuADHD", I know that eventually I'm going to likely have my children tested. I already approach numerous points of my gentle parenting practice around the ASD community approved parenting practices. 

So in light of that, my child seemingly obsessed with the concept of death seems like it's currently her "special interest". And it's incredibly triggering for me. I want her to have the ability to explore these themes without my influence or putting my baggage around death on her, but it's so hard at times. Sometimes it's so overwhelming and I just have to be honest with her - "Honey, this is something that's really hard for mommy to talk about. Can we talk about something else for a while?" But otherwise, I try to accommodate her curiosity as it usually seems to be more of an interest, rather than a fear (of which she has many). 

The last two nights, however, she has expressed that she doesn't want to die as a child. I've tried to assure her that it is very unlikely that she will die at any point in the near future. I started introducing the concept of being "present" in the moment and not letting ourselves being swept away by our worries (mindfulness, DBT type of talks), so I was attempting to do that. But I also always want to know why her brain is going down these thoughts. So I asked her why she's thinking about this. She said because she's afraid that dying will be painful. My worst fear is someone I love dying (which is a fear that has come to fruition way too many times), this is where things start to feel overwhelming for me and I'm deep breathing in attempt to stave off an anxiety attack. I told her that once again it is very unlikely she was pass away anytime soon and that we have no idea how or when it will happen. I told her to stay present and focus on where she is now. I held her close and told her that I love her very much. She asked me a few weeks ago if I would be sad if she died as a child, but I thought I had laid that conversation to rest by a) saying that I would be devastated and cannot imagine anything worse than that, but that b) I don't believe that will happen and that she doesn't need to worry about that (again reiterating that while we don't know anything for sure, she should remain present in the here and now and not focus on worrying about that). 

What's also hard is that as an internally spiritual, yet optimistic agnostic, I can't assure her that there's anything after this. When she asks about god and the afterlife, I often present things as "Some people believe xyz". What also throws a wrench into the mix is that her daycare provider is very Christian and when prompted has no problem talking about these subjects. I think her daycare provider thinks that this is somehow helping, but in reality, it often contradicts the things that I believe and tell my daughters. I also have concerns that my kid's interest in death stems from this. Then again, like half of the kids movies we've watched involves a parental figure dying (thanks Frozen), so it's coming from a few sources to be sure. And when asked, I have followed my own code of being honest with her to the best of my ability (with the appropriateness of age and childhood in mind), and said that my father and my brother have died. I'm sure my own trauma and inability to talk about those things completely objectively has played a role in her life. Especially since my brother died when she was just under one years old, and I have been sorting through that trauma ever since.

Anyways, there's no clean wrap up to this blog. I've been ruminating on this subject this week and just needed to sort it out a bit with some journaling. There's many times that I have referred to the various difficult stages we've encountered in raising children as a "season". Seasons pass, some things change, and some things come back around again. I wish that the death conversation wasn't something that kept coming back around, but I hope that I can keep assuring her and helping her remain present and focused on the good things.

Side note, Disney also kills off so many of it's villains too. Like, wow Disney, can we have just one princess movie where someone isn't killed off? We had a movie night Saturday night for the first time, which was super fun. Context: ever since she saw that there's a new Aurora Lego figure, she's become instantly obsessed with the character despite never having watched "Sleeping Beauty". So we watched "Sleeping Beauty" as a family for the first time, and I can't believe I forgot that they actually kill Maleficent at the end! I was super concerned going in because usually if there's any type of conflict (especially awkward humor conflict), she cannot continue to watch whatever it is. She will put her hands over her years and just writhe on the couch, scream, and in best case scenarios, run out of the room. I remember "Sleeping Beauty" being a pretty scary movie when I was little, especially as Maleficent turns into a dragon and says "hell". But Ahsoka didn't get upset at all! She loved the entire thing. 

Another thing to note about "Sleeping Beauty" which I kind of love, is that Aurora isn't really the main character. The fairies are! Like, how badass are they? They raise Aurora from infancy to a teenager. They help break Prince Phillip out of prison, they fight off Maleficent's evil hoards despite seeming rather week in magic by comparison to Maleficent. 

Also, Maleficent is easily one of the most badass villains of all time. She has no true rhyme no reason, she's just straight up a cold stone evil bitch.