Reflections

 Holy shit, it's been six months since I wrote on this blog?!  Jinkies. I guess I've been so focused on hand written journaling, I abandoned this space. Today though, my hands aren't feeling my physical journal. So this is just a stream of consciousness post to get out my thoughts quickly - which it would be because I can type so much faster than I can write. Granted, since for some reason spell check is no longer working within Blogger (at least as far as I can tell), this stream of thougt is going to be riddled with spelling errors. And you know what? I'm not going to go back and edit either... probably. I do love editing. Maybe I'll put this out there tonight and go back and edit another time. But, it seems kind futile to edit a piece in which I'm getting super random with it.

So it's a new moon. And with the new moon phase, it's an opportunity to think about what I really want. And well, that's a loaded fucking thought. What do I want? I feel like recently I've had a change in heart about something pretty significantly. Not because my heart has changed so much I guess, but because I don't want to make the change. I guess I fear what the change would bring both to me and to those around me. And it just seems more aligned at this stage in my life to just let it go and be. But at the same time, I do have this nagging sense that I'm only abstaning from said change because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of change in general, but I'm also afraid that it will be hard for me and those that I love. So... it's time for a reframe! My arch nemesis, blech, reframing! NOOOOO.

Ok, brain writting brain, how do I reframe this one? How would this challenge work for me? I mean, it wouldn't. okay, I would probably be more satisfied in a particular aspect in my life, despite the mountain of downsides opposiing it. Is that my hang up? My pro-con list is skewed with a much higher list of "cons" despite that weight that the "pro" side would bring? The enormity is certainly a factor. And then there's the whole trauma aspect and trying to determine if the cons and concerns are really a product of that trauma vs. well, versus just me needlessly making the con list much higher than the pro less in a sort of self-sabatoge moment.

But the reality is that I've gotten pretty good at stopping the whole self-sabatoge stuff. I've gotten really good at figuring ouw what I really want in so many other aspects of my life. I still have the old script running. But what's encouraing is that the new script pops up like a reminder, like "hey, you don't say 'should' anymore", and then my inner curiousity kicks in and my new script is just so much better. I tackle everything from the scope of curiousity, learning, and growth, and holy shit. It's definitely opened my eyes to things. It's no longer about what could happen. It's about what I want, and then just letting those things unfold. And I think to an extent, I've given this decision to the universe because ... well, it's somewhat about timing, but it's also about just needing to give this to something bigger than myself. 

on a side note, I'm about to fall asleep. I'm going to see if I can post this privately for myself, and if not, and you read this far, well, aren't you lucky!?

2023 NYE Post

Journal Prompt: Lessons I learned in 2023, and what I want to bring into 2024.

It's easy to look back at the past year and think, well, it was just another year. But there are always changes, and always things to reflect on. And while I didn't have any major life events in 2023, it was still quite eventful for me.

This past year, I continued to experience the joy of watching my amazing two little ones grow, and learn, and teach me about the type of parent I want to be. While I am instrumental in shaping their growth, they are absolutely instrumental in shaping mine. The inspire me to endeavor to do better - both for them and myself. They inspire me to look inside and figure out why I am the way I am. And this year there was a lot to unpack.

I learned about Shadow Work this year, which if you are unfamiliar sounds scary... and well, depending on your past trauma, it kind of is; however, it's really another term for connecting to your past or hidden self, doing the inner work, and really digging into what positive intent those versions of yourself, those past selves, those selves we either bury, ignore, hide, and yet are so intrinsically connected to us that they do have so much influence in defining us... And all that defining could mean that they are holding us back in some way or keeping us from some kind of positive intent.

I spend so much time ruminating on the past, especially the mistakes I've made; the things I could have, would have, should have said or done. But I don't always spend a lot of time forgiving myself. I don't take the time to accept those past selves or the past moments that I'm not proud of as being in the past; determine how I can move forward, and even loving those versions of myself. This work I've been doing, has really helped me not only identify and work with my triggers, but to move forward in a self-loving way.

I really learned in 2023 was to do the inner work. To not only acknowledge the past in a clinical, sort of analytical way, but to really hone into it on a spiritual level. And while I know I still have so much more to do; I feel like I've discovered things I wouldn't have even considered before. And it's hard at times, it's especially hard for me to allow myself to let the past, the trauma, the grief in, to feel these things in an accepting loving sort of way; however, it's really beautiful too.

So, just like past years, I'm thinking about the things I want to bring into the New Year, what my intentions for the New Year are, and this year I’m also thinking about what I want to leave behind. What I'm endeavoring to leave behind is resentment, self-depreciation, and repressing my feelings. What I'm endeavoring to bring into the New Year is a sense of peacefulness. My intentions for the year are to live a peaceful as possible life, both in my head and in my home. My intentions for the new year are to be present in the cozy moments, to appreciate those moments my children are snuggling with me on the couch, or wanting me to play with them, and to just get up and play! The news, the memes, the inner chatter, it can all just wait while I take the time to just be in the moment with my kids and grow with them.

My intention for this year also includes getting better at visualization (I mediate daily, but my random thoughts are so distracting, and my daydreams often take over that I can often only use guided meditations) and continue being generally present in the moment with myself too.

I've also spent some time this year re-connecting with my spiritual side in general. It's been really beautiful, and I'm really intrigued by continuing to explore this side of myself. My intention for the new year is also to explore this spiritual path further with a sense of wonder and appreciation.

I watched a video recently where a creator advised that instead of resolutions, they assign a word for the year. Each month, they reflect back on that word and how they accomplished it in the prior month. While I personally think of what I'm bringing into the new year as intentions, I like this idea too. Thinking about this, I think the word I would like to assign to the upcoming year is "growth". Personal growth, growth in my career, growth in my spiritual path.

So, there it all is. What did you learn in 2023? What are you brining into 2024?

It doesn’t heal

(Work in progress)

Time does not heal all wounds

The load does not lighten

I may have grown stronger, in a sense

I may not appear to be carrying much at all

But the load remains the same weight

Some days I carry the load uphill

My knees buckle

My body burns

My body yearns for release

So I let myself release

But the load remains the same weight

Some days I carry the load over long distances

My knees endure 

My body yearns

My body weathers it all

So I let myself go on

But the load remains the sand weight

Some days I carry the load through storms

My knees fail 

My body says it can’t take anymore

So I tell myself to keep going

And the load remains the same weight

I will never stop believing you should still be here

I know that’s not what you would have wanted

I will never let go of you, my tribute to you, my grief paid

I know that’s not what you would have wanted

But the load remains the same weight

I’m not ready

I love you

I miss you

And the load remains the same weight.

Only I Will Remain

 

One general theme of therapy (both in the past when I sought it professionally, and recently as I’m diving personally into my trauma) is that as humans we can (and do) hold several emotions and states of being at the same time. And also, that while it doesn't feel good to feel sad, or afraid, or negative emotions in general; it's okay to feel those things and that we need to allow ourselves to feel those things. In fact, recognizing those things and working through them is what is needed in those moments – instead of our general tendence to reject them.

I think from a logical perspective, I've always known that. But I think recently I've become better at integrating that. It's so easy for me to push down emotions that I don't like. Things I don't want to feel. And what does that get me? What has that always gotten me? Anxiety. Now, like those other emotions I don't want to feel, anxiety is also something I've tried very hard to tamp down. But I know, and what I've been working through this morning, is allowing myself to feel two things at once so that I can process it, let it pass through me, and then allow myself to move forward from there. 

This morning I'm realized that I'm catching another Fall virus, and I'm feeling a little sad as I'm trying to grieve and let go of the expectations I used to have for what I wanted my life to look like (more on this later). I'm also feeling extraordinarily grateful and joyful because I had another awesome break through yesterday.

So, about the breakthrough. One of my biggest reasons for working through my trauma, is that I know that I have triggers, and sometimes those triggers happen as a result of being a parent. Yesterday, I recognized two major triggers and didn't allow myself to react to them in the moment - writing that out makes it sound easy and trivial; however, for me it was a huge moment. I took my three- and five-year-old to a new playground, a huge playground. We stayed longer than we usually stay at playgrounds, but once my three-year-old started coughing in the chilly air and having a drink (or several) didn't help, I identified it was time to go. I gave the 10-minute warning. I allowed my thee-year-old told to climb just one more time before we left. We gave hugs to the friends we saw at the park. I did everything that I could to ensure a smooth transition (transitions can be hard at this age). So, when I said, "Okay, it's time to go now," my three year old bolted. I gave her a warning, and I was about to count to three when I realized she was purposing running out of ear shot. I walked calmly after her. She kept sprinting further and further away. So, I asked my five year old to hold my tea (literally, I had covered green tea because it's chill out), and I sprinted after my three year old. When I picked up my three-year-old, she began kicking me as hard as she could. Enter the triggers.

There were two triggers in this scenario that could have easily caused me to become angry. When I'm angry in public I tend to growl when speaking or otherwise just be super grumpy, and in private sometimes the triggers cause me to raise my voice (which I always feel super ashamed of and apologize for immediately following). The triggers in this scenario were being physically harmed (or the attempt at being physically harmed), and embarrassment - moms were looking at us, giving disapproving glances. Which like, side bar, what the actual fuck? Like, moms of the world, we need to support one another! I don't care if you're raising tiny humans that always listen to you and do what is asked of them, no tantrums or whatever it is that makes you feel superior - have some fucking empathy! Or maybe, I don't know, offer to help? I mean, maybe don't offer to help if the mom has the situation in hand, but don't shoot moms dirty looks. Either keep your looks to yourself or smile or anything other than grumpy judgmental looks. Now, I admit, with the embarrassment factor, I could have easily been just feeling judged and that's on me (but this one lady, I dunno, she did not look empathetic, she was rolling her eyes - at me). Ah well, but I digress.

Now for the breakthrough. I didn't get angry. Now, I don't suspect this will always be the case, and in the future if I get angry in a similar scenario, my hope is that I would recognize it, work through it (with deep breaths) and then react. But in this scenario, when I picked her up and she started kicking me repeatedly, I put her down gently, got down to her level and told her in a very calm yet direct tone that she was being very unkind to mommy and that it was time to go. Then she laughed and kicked me some more and attempted to run away. In this moment, I knew that I wasn't going to get her to listen to reason. So, I picked her up like a football, and walked her out of the park (que the additional dirty looks from judgy mom - at which point, I furled my eyebrows and gave her a judgy look in return. She looked away. That's right, ya judgy non-empathetic person, mind your business). 

Three-year-old was very upset that I was carrying her like a football. My five-year-old was being amazing, and completely helpful - I was so grateful because at times when my three-year-old is misbehaving, that's seems to be like a que for my five-year-old to also misbehave. Maybe she was ready to go too, maybe asking for her help gave her a task to focus on (holding my drink, standing close to me), but overall, I was so incredibly proud of her. Anyways, about half-way to the car (all the parking lots were across fields, which in my mind is not the best design choice for mom's trying to haul their squirmy toddlers out of a park) my three-year-old asked to be put down. I asked her if she was going to stay with me, and she said yes. So, we walked most of the way back to the car. But as I was trying to get my keys from my pocket, she attempted to bolt again. Once again, I asked my five-year-old to hold my drink, and I had to hold on to my three-year-old (this time it was a bit scarier as we were at the cusp of a very busy parking lot). But I still remained calm. I asked my five-year-old to wait for me on the grass in front of the car while I corralled my three-year-old into her car seat. My five-year-old did wander a little bit, but I asked her to come back towards the car, and she did so (amazing).

I'm super proud of myself because I behaved exactly how I always wanted to behave in these moments. I was so calm and collected during this whole exchange. Because what would yelling or losing my shit in that moment have accomplished? Nothing other than instilling a feeling of dysregulation in both myself and my kids. My three-year-old would have still misbehaved, and in reality, my five-year-old probably would have misbehaved too. I also made sure that as I was strapping in my five-year-old into her seat, I gave her so much praise, which also felt so good. "Thank you so much for helping me by holding my drink while I got (three-year-old) into the car. Thank you so much for following directions. I really appreciate you." And she beamed. So, I beamed. I was so proud of both me and my five-year-old in that moment. 

I feel so grateful and joyful for how far I've come. There's no "cured" from my anxiety, but achieving these moments feels so damn good. Now, don't get me wrong, I did get angry the day before when both kids were yelling at me, and I was trying to make dinner, and my five-year-old started screaming at the top of her lungs, and I got so overstimulated I couldn't even think straight... that's a work in progress. I certainly tried to breathe through that moment, but something about the screaming is so hard for me to overcome. That's probably another shadow self-waiting in the wings to evaluate. 

Now, circling back to the holding more than one emotion at a time. In addition to the joy holding on, and feeling pretty happy overall, I'm also a little sad this morning. Like, I feel super grateful and happy about yesterday, but there's something persistent in the back of my mind, completely unrelated to the grateful and joyful things I've been feeling lately. I think it's this sort of grief, this sense of letting go of expectations. My life isn't the life I always dreamed of. It's certainly close, but there's one aspect in particular that is sort of falling apart (that I will need to journal about privately I think). And that's something that is going to take time to process. So, for this morning, I'm letting myself feel a little bit of that sadness and grief too before I do some calming/processing exercises and affirmations. I’m not quite crying, but I took some deep breaths as if I was crying to try to let myself feel it.

So, about affirmations... I've kind of always hated and rejected that practice. There’s just something about it in the past that has felt cheesy to me. Now, I see the value. I'm trying to do some affirmations daily to sort of reprogram my brain a little bit. I think growing up I felt so worthless for so long, and even though as an adult I recognize that isn't true, there's still a bit of programming in the back of my mind that feels that way at times. It tends to come up when I'm not feeling my best self, or when I feel grief - a sneaky little secondary emotion waiting to pile on when I'm already feeling low.

Anyways, I think the affirmations are starting to help, and it got me thinking about little things I used to say to myself when I was attempting to tamp down emotions instead of letting them be felt and flow through me - it got me thinking about the Litany Against Fear (from Frank Herbert’s "Dune"). I think the Litany Against Fear is pretty bad ass, but I have some re-writes for the sake of both my attempt to geek out as I do, but also work into my affirmations for when I start to feel a negative emotion I would have previously tried to reject (fear, anxiety, sadness, grief). Overall I love it, but it just needs a few tweaks/additions for me to work it into my affirmations.

The original:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

 My rewrite:  

I will feel fear.
Yet, fear is not the mind-killer.
Fear will not bring total obliteration, but instead understanding.
I will face my fear. I will embrace my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be clarity. Only understanding will remain. Only I will remain. 

Maybe that still needs some work, but it feels good to me right now. I'm going to write it on one of my cool sticky note cards and put up next so some of my other affirmations. Affirmations like "What is the best that could happen" or "I am loyal, forgiving, and gentle to me." I've also been enjoying doodling the affirmations and just generally getting in touch with the things, big and small, that make me happy. Even as I finish this entry, I'm feeling a little bit lighter. As though I've taken a weight off my chest. Thank you journals, thank you blog, for giving me a way to work through these things, big and small, and consider one of the affirmations that I sometimes struggle to believe - "I am enough". 

The Shadow Knows

 

So I started doing some shadow work the last few weeks. No, I didn't buy the "shadow work journal", and I didn't allow myself to hyper-fixate to learn how it works exactly and to over-intellectualize it (as I'm so prone to do as an over thinker). I just learned some basics, recognized that I have a boat load of trauma to work through, and sort of dove in. That might not have been the best approach, I probably wouldn't recommend it to a friend if they asked me about it. That being said, I think I'm starting to have some break throughs with it.

I've also started to keep a physical journal (instead of randomly pouring my thoughts here every few months).  And I think overall that's helpful. Although, I'm also going to try to avoid re-reading everything from both the sessions and my daily afterthoughts and processing of it all. Mostly because I want to integrate these past (shadow) selves instead of re-processing, potentially re-traumatizing myself. I'm trying to get to this point where I allow myself to feel what I need to feel and to let it go. Which leads me to reoccurring themes.

One reoccurring theme is damnit, I'm still struggling to let things go. Let go of people, let go of feelings, let go of the past. It's a tough one. Another reoccurring theme is that when I was going through these times of trauma, I did not have a trusted adult in which to turn, which in a way is a form of trauma in of itself. Another theme is that I'm recognizing that I would never allow my children to go through these things. There are certain things that we cannot protect our children from; however, there's so much more we can be doing for them. I think that's my biggest motivation for doing this in general - because with trauma comes triggers, and my triggers are the things I need to really work on. I don't want to react in anger or any other knee jerk reactions. I want to be present, patient, understanding with my kids. While I don't anticipate I will turn into a saint overnight, and I'm still going to be human when all is said and done; I want to be the best version of myself as possible for my kids.

One thing that's rather difficult with my shadow work sessions is that I usually come away pretty depressed. I do some self-care, some journaling, some meditation; however, overall I feel super heavy in my chest afterwards. I recognize that it's a process, and it will probably be a long process as I'm uncovering more and more of my past moments in time where these traumatic things occurred, or past versions of myself that I'm not particularly proud of and need to recognize and forgive. But it is tough. I get why they recommend you do this work with a therapist. And if after I go through all of these things, I'm still not feeling like I'm making headway, I probably will seek out a new therapist. But for now, I guess my journal is my therapist. Also therapy can be kind of difficult when you’re hyper-self-aware. Often times, therapists can have a hard time directing someone like me.

I feel like yesterday I had this kind of breakthrough though. For the first time, I was able to tap into this former self and feel this kind of gratefulness and joy afterwards. When I was around 24 or 25 I was living away from home for a few years for the first time with my then boyfriend. The longer we were together, the worse our relationship became (we started dating when I was 20). I wasn't the best version of myself at the time (trying to give myself a bit of grace and forgiveness as that's also something I'm working on); however, I knew something at that time - I knew by that time that I wanted to have kids someday. I didn't know when or with whom, but I knew that's what I wanted. And the longer I was in that relationship, the more I realized that my boyfriend at the time did not want to have kids, and never would. And I realized that one of two things were going to happen if he and I stayed together - either I was going to wake up one day having never had the opportunity to have kids and completely resent him, or we were going to have kids and he was going to resent me and possibly them because he never wanted that.

So, as I was asking this former version of myself things like, what did you need at the time that you didn't get, what positive intent are you keeping us from? And forgiving myself and processing (all the things you do during shadow work), and... I got to tell her something before integrating her into our current self. I got to tell her that it was all worth it. I got to tell her that after years of being patient, making mistakes, and waiting for the right person, she got to have kids. I got to have kids. I got to have the kids I always wanted, and that they're wonderful. 

My life is so much stranger and so much more interesting than I could have ever imagined. And it's also so much better. I have so much joy. I'm so grateful to be where I'm at right now. Yes, I need work. My mental health will probably always be a work in progress. But I'm also so fucking lucky. I'm so fucking amazed to be living in a time where I have so many resources and so much I can learn. And I'm so fucking grateful for how far I've come. Everything that has ever happened to me has led to this point in time, and while life is an everchanging journey, right now I'm grateful to be me. Thank you, universe.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Side note, not related to this post, I just edited this Blog in Word because for some reason spell check isn't working Chrome right now, and Word's suggestion just now is so funny to me. No one is reading this, but if you are reading this and you haven't come to accept that I'm a cursey little cursing person; well, you should probably move along. Haha.

This Corner of the World

 

"I'm pretty sure this corner of the world is the lonliest corner in the whole world." 

That's not exactly a positive start, but it is a start. I'm having trouble getting started with writting lately... and by lately I mean for the past decad or so. At any rate, I thought I would just start with the song that's presently in my head. Damn I love the Menzingers. But what I'm also doing is working on starting up my gratefulness practice a bit ahead of November. Why? because Thanksgiving is a farce, and because I want to change and grow right now. 

I want to start moving and thinking in a more positive way instead of letting all the shitty things cosume me - My loneliness, feeling like I'm not the best mom I can be, feeling undervalued at work; just generally allowing other people to influence how I'm feeling. I'm done giving those things my energy. Yes, there will still be the trauma and grief still underlying my existence, and that is part of who I am no matter how I spin, reframe, or flip it. But I can choose to move through my day differently. I can choose how I react to things. I can choose what I take in. And I can choose to spend more of my energy on the things that I feel matter most to me.

So what do I want to give my energy? The people and the things that I love. Being grateful, and loving, and kind. So that's my new goal. And not in a false positivity or ultimatley fake way. But I think if I spend more times focusing on the positive things that I'll feel more positive. That's kind of how it works right? You put more positive things into the universe, think of things in a more positive light, spend more time doing the things you love and doing things for the people that you love, and you will start to feel more positive in general. Well, that's my hope, so I'm going to work on it.

So what am I grateful for? Jinkes, so many things. I've started a couple of physical journals for that part. Yes, two journals (and I'm eyeing a third). I'm thinking my various journals will be for different things. Maybe that will change their energy, or how I perceive their energy, or maybe it won't. Maybe nothing is real. I mean, we could be a computer simulation. So why not make the most of the time I'm in this program? 

But looping back to my gratefulness practice (along with general mindfulness becuase that's a thing to tack on to this too, right) right now I'm grateful for my creative space. I spent some time this morning reorganizing my tiny corner of my house, and that feels pretty good. I also had to do work productive things for my day job, but add that to my list of things that make me feel happy. 

Oh yeah, I also started a list of things that make me feel happy. It's something I can refer to when I'm feeling low, and I can just look at the list and do one of those things. Like doodling or writing (haha), or creating custom reports at work because I'm a badass and no one else knows how to do the things I do at my day job. The list is getting pretty long, but I'm just going to keep adding to it because I'm worth it. 

Another thing I'm considering is diving into shadow work. Now, I don't presently have a counselor. Or at least my counselor went MIA a year ago. But I think I'm pretty self-aware, and I'm pretty saavy with all the DBT methods at this point where I think I can move forward in a productive way. I either need to move forward in addressing my truama myself, or get another counselor. And really, I don't think I have it in me to go through the process of finding another counselor. Or maybe I do. Maybe this will backfire fantastically and I'll have no choice. But what I've found in my life, over and over again, is that the only way to is through. And if it doesn't work, then on to the next thing. And the next thing. And the next thing. It's either part of my journey, or it's not. If one road doesn't work out, I'll find another road, or a trail, or fucking learn how to make a road. I'm good at hyperfocusing and learning new things. But giving up is not on my options list. 

Rapid Decompression

 

I got back from a long roadtrip yesterday, and I have somehow set up my house so that I am fully alone today - no work, no kids, no spouse. A house alone with just a full day of unpacking, laundry, and mentally decompressing from fun, yet mentally complicated, family visit/ vacation(ish). It was kind of a rollercoaster of a trip. So let's unpack.

As the dirty clothes from the trip are washing and drying, I have loaded a dishwasher, finished unpacking the suitcases, put away all the left over snacks, vacuumed out the van, sorted out the remaining boxes of random roadtrip things, and I'm enjoying listening to Against Me! very loudly... I decide that it's worth decompressing in the best way possible. Writing down my feelings! *cue sad horn, womp womp* [Oh, and this morning I have also started putting up contact paper wall paper over the wall mirrors because one now has a crack and the others feel loose, and it's looking like we're going to have to take these suckers down ourselves]. Anyways, I'm taking a moment to decompress from it all.

First off, overall, we had a really fun time. My kids were just super well behaved, and there were very few meltdowns. I'm just so impressed with them, and they are amazing human beings. I seriously feel so lucky to be where I'm at in life overall. I also had the rare opportunity to really sit down and chat with my nieces and nephews. It was so good to reconnect with both sets of my sisters kids. They're growing up to be such kind and intelligent people that I could not be more proud of.

But on the flip side, I had a very anxious trip. Why the anxiety? I think there were several contributing factors. 

Going back home in of itself is huge trigger for me. There's just something about that area that is so hard for me to be around - it's like I'm stepping back in time to all those moments where all of the sad things happened. I think I'm better about re-centering myself and stopping to focus on the present when I find myself in those moments; however, that still didn't prevent me from stepping into those past moments in the first place. So regardless of me utilizing my tools, those moments are still back up towards the surface of my thoughts. I also start having to pack and prepare about a week out from a big trip, and that always adds a bit of frantic energy into any travel with my kids coming out of the gate.

The other triggers? My mom crying quite a bit, which is alway hard. Dealing with my mom in general is and will probably always will be, very difficult - I love her, she is toxic, it is what it is. Talking about her would be an entire other blog post worth.

Then there was something that happened to someone I love that is not my story to tell, and when there is something like that going on with someone I love, sometimes it's like I actually feel what they feel and take it on to an extent. So while I would not tell this person that this occurred, it was certainly a contributing factor.

Then I ended up having to confront another one of my worst anxiety triggers - heights. Fucking heights. So leading up to going into a heights situation, I had a really shitty anxiety attack. Just for the fun of it all, it seemed like the worst anxiety attack I've had in quite a while (a few years I want to say). But you know what? When we got into the situation, my kids were so stinking happy, and I had been meditating all morning trying to get my shit under control - the anxiety stopped. I was just able to enjoy the moment with my kids, and it was so special. I'm so glad that despite everything, I had this one opportunity to have a unique moment with my kids, and was able to be present for them (for us). And I even remembered to take pictures!

But the next day, to bookend the trip, there were storms nearly the entire 12 hour drive home, including running into a no-visibility thunderstorm early on. We were just so lucky to be near a rest stop where we were able to quickly pull in and wait out that storm pocket. But then we spent the bulk of the morning trying to basically outrun an even larger storm system coming into that area. Fortunately, we were able to get past the worst part of the storm front; however, there were these pockets of storms the entire rest of the way. I kept checking the radar for where we were at in the drive vs. where the storms were heading. It was as if by watching the radar and willing the car to go where it needed to go in time could somehow give me a sense of control of the situation. I felt like I was on high alert most of the drive. 

Towards the end of the trip the rain cleared, and it was really pretty when the sun was setting - the sun turned orange as it set down towards the light pink and yellow clouded horizon. The tree-filled hills were dark, but there was enough light to tint the tree line a dark green. The contrast was stark and beautiful. By that point of the trip, the girls were sick of devices, so they were both in the back drawing and coloring - singing their little sweet songs to themselves about how they had the best family ever. I'm so grateful that I had that moment at least to feel a bit a peace, taking stock of how grateful I am to have my family in my life and the really good parts about the trip.

I think after this I'm going to finish up the laundry and the wallpaper, and take at least 30 minutes to work out and at least 30 minutes to meditate. I'm already starting to feel better after writing all of this out. I think by the end of the day, I'll have this trip out of my system. Although I might come back and edit this post.