Reflections

 Holy shit, it's been six months since I wrote on this blog?!  Jinkies. I guess I've been so focused on hand written journaling, I abandoned this space. Today though, my hands aren't feeling my physical journal. So this is just a stream of consciousness post to get out my thoughts quickly - which it would be because I can type so much faster than I can write. Granted, since for some reason spell check is no longer working within Blogger (at least as far as I can tell), this stream of thougt is going to be riddled with spelling errors. And you know what? I'm not going to go back and edit either... probably. I do love editing. Maybe I'll put this out there tonight and go back and edit another time. But, it seems kind futile to edit a piece in which I'm getting super random with it.

So it's a new moon. And with the new moon phase, it's an opportunity to think about what I really want. And well, that's a loaded fucking thought. What do I want? I feel like recently I've had a change in heart about something pretty significantly. Not because my heart has changed so much I guess, but because I don't want to make the change. I guess I fear what the change would bring both to me and to those around me. And it just seems more aligned at this stage in my life to just let it go and be. But at the same time, I do have this nagging sense that I'm only abstaning from said change because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of change in general, but I'm also afraid that it will be hard for me and those that I love. So... it's time for a reframe! My arch nemesis, blech, reframing! NOOOOO.

Ok, brain writting brain, how do I reframe this one? How would this challenge work for me? I mean, it wouldn't. okay, I would probably be more satisfied in a particular aspect in my life, despite the mountain of downsides opposiing it. Is that my hang up? My pro-con list is skewed with a much higher list of "cons" despite that weight that the "pro" side would bring? The enormity is certainly a factor. And then there's the whole trauma aspect and trying to determine if the cons and concerns are really a product of that trauma vs. well, versus just me needlessly making the con list much higher than the pro less in a sort of self-sabatoge moment.

But the reality is that I've gotten pretty good at stopping the whole self-sabatoge stuff. I've gotten really good at figuring ouw what I really want in so many other aspects of my life. I still have the old script running. But what's encouraing is that the new script pops up like a reminder, like "hey, you don't say 'should' anymore", and then my inner curiousity kicks in and my new script is just so much better. I tackle everything from the scope of curiousity, learning, and growth, and holy shit. It's definitely opened my eyes to things. It's no longer about what could happen. It's about what I want, and then just letting those things unfold. And I think to an extent, I've given this decision to the universe because ... well, it's somewhat about timing, but it's also about just needing to give this to something bigger than myself. 

on a side note, I'm about to fall asleep. I'm going to see if I can post this privately for myself, and if not, and you read this far, well, aren't you lucky!?