Happy NYE

It's time for my annual long-winded New Year's Eve post! I was looking through my Facebook memories, as I do every year on NYE, and thinking about what intentions I want to set for the year ahead.

I've never been great with New Year's Resolutions (which apparently I make sure to note every year), but I do like to go into the New Year each year with a sense of hope and wonder. I know that today is just another day in the grand scheme of things; however, I also know that setting goals and setting intentions for the future is never a bad thing, no matter when you decide to start.

Once again, my intention for the New Year is to, as always, try to remain present. I will probably always struggle with being present, and my thoughts getting trapped in the past or future. But I also know that there is always room to try, and I will continue working on enjoying and experiencing the here and now - Remembering to take stock in my favorite things, the often-missed moments in-between the big moments -The little pockets of laughter and joy and learning.

My intention for the New Year also includes working on letting go of my self-judgements. Work on giving myself a little more grace. Work on creating a desire to let go of the past and my many mistakes; to move forward with the thing things I've learned from the those mistakes, and the desire to do better ongoing. As I often tell my kids, each apology and each regret is a promise to do better.

My goals for the New Year continue to be invested in my creative endeavors. I'm super excited for the next chapter for Project-Nerd. If you haven't seen my posts about Project-Nerd TV (PNTV), I will most certainly be sharing more. And I also want to support you in your creative endeavors! Tell me what you're working on, and what you hope to accomplish this year. Tell me if you think there's something we can partner on together.

I also intend to read more books. I read so many more books this year, compared to the previous years (16 total books on my Kindle App alone, and I read epic fantasy, so some of those books were pretty long). I love reading, and I'm glad that I'm able to make more time for it. I plan to read at least that many books again this year, and more.

Lastly, my goal for the New Year is to work on my friendships. I don't know what the future holds for many of my friendships, especially as I continue to stay isolated with my kids until they are vaccine eligible; however, if you're reading this and it has been a very long time since we've last spoken, know that I love you and that I miss you. Know that I think of each of you very often, especially those that I don't live near. Know that I am rooting for you in your daily life, and your goals. Know that there is a part of me that is afraid to reach out because I worry that you don't want to hear from me. But also know that I will be trying to get past that feeling, and will be endeavoring to reach out anyways. And also know that I am always here if you want to reach out, but haven't for whatever reason.

Happy New Year's Eve! Tonight, my spouse and I will continue our annual NYE Junk Food and movie watching tradition. Assuming we get the kids to sleep before we fall asleep ourselves, we'll finally be checking out the new Matrix film. Love to you all.

Tangents

 

Journaling... it's a good way to process everything, getting my thoughts down. And it's also been two months since I last journaled. It's incredible (or maybe internally incredulous) how time passes, or how easy it is for me to procrastinate until time is passing by. It's so easy for me to procrastinate and then just let things slide. But I made a goal last week to journal at least once in the two week span between counseling appointments, so here I am....

First thing first, I survived Christmas. More than that, I had a genuinely really awesome Christmas with my family. I was expecting some kind of processing super blowout blowup temper tantrum from Ahsoka, and it just didn't happen. She really had a wonderful day. I think she had one point in time where she needed to chill in her room for a bit, but overall I'm just really floored at how well Christmas Day went for her. I think it helped that we stayed home instead of traveling down to their grandparents. And Ashla, as always, was just cool with everything going on around her. While I'm certain Ashla will have the same phases as Ahsoka, for now, she's pretty chill. She does scream if Ahsoka screams in a kind of "oh, are we screaming now, I CAN SCREAM TOOOO!" But I don't think she's actually having a temper tantrum. Like every younger sibling before her, she just wants to be part of what the older sibling is doing... at all times.

Another positive note is that the holidays are often a mixed bag for me (thinking of the past, missing my siblings, worrying about my mom), and so part of me was anticipating that sort of like, mixture of getting caught up in the past and still loving the holiday and all the traditions. I think I've been getting better about dwelling, and trying to stay in the moment. Somehow, instead of getting trapped in those past moments, I managed to stay present and just focus on where I was at... potentially because kids are such a whirlwind, I had no choice but to be in that chaotic and wonderful moment.

That being said, in the name of being honest (mostly with myself), I have had some heaviness/anxiety feeling in my chest the last couple of days. I think this might be more of the post-holiday blues. Sort of how I feel after a convention or a vacation. There's so much buildup to the holidays and there's so much going on with all the presents and wonderful food and time together, and then in the blink of an eye, it's over. So what now? Go back to regular non-holiday-celebrating life? I don't want to. I want to go back to Christmas morning and watching my kids open the gifts that I've been so thoughtfully picking out and purchasing and wrapping and planning for the last six months.

I also finished a trilogy of books I was working on, and I don't really have another book to look forward to at this point. At least not one that has been published yet... it blows my mind that authors sit on the next book in a series for a decade at a time - I mean, I'll still love the next book, but I'm impatient. I started reading another book, which I had tried to read before - very popular series, highly recommended. I hate it. I'll keep trying, but might just have to give up the ghost on this one. Life is a little too short to read books that I'm not into, especially if they are supposed to be for fun.

Anyways, everything has an end... maybe that's another area where I continue to struggle a bit. Processing endings, letting things reach logical conclusions, and moving onto something else. There's always another holiday, another thing to celebrate, another book to read; however, I don't know if that's quite the heart of the issue either. So what is it? Is it my not-so-gentle inability to just let things go? Even if it's just the not so distant past, as in, two flipping days ago, am I simply just shitty at letting things go? I guess so since this is a theme I keep going back to. Just another thing on my laundry list of things I need to stay on top of. Ok, not "just." And I need to stop delegitimizing my need to adequately and gracefully acknowledge and address the things that I'm going through and need to work on. I am human, but I'm also a creature of habit and a creature of constant change. I need change, I long for it. And then at the same time, I want to be trapped in happy moments where my kids don't age and I don't age, and everyone and everything is just at peace. But logically I know that we cannot truly know happiness without the mixture of everything else too. Also, there are many happy moments to look forward to. If only I could also stop focusing on the bad things that I know are also coming (you know, like the climate disaster). 

On a side note, thinking back to books... I've come to the conclusion that I hate a lot of psychology books. I think it's the "look how great this book is, and here's all the research we did, and this is why you'll love the results" aspect of it. I struggled with this while reading baby books too. There was so much damn filler. JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT (which is funny to say since I am most certainly the tangent ruler of all things tangent related). But seriously, you have a system you think will help me? Give me the system. Don't write five chapters about how awesome you are and how awesome your thing is, and then every chapter afterwards is just additional filler. I have focus issues. I'm never going to be able to read 1,000 pages of filler to get to the maybe 10 pages of actual helpful information. Especially if that information appears to be hidden throughout the filler. I know I need to learn a bit of patience, but fucks sake, I just can't seem to do it! At the first least, these authors should include a companion piece or set of chapters that just gives you the nitty gritty for those of us that I just want to know. Otherwise, I just can't seem to focus long enough to really benefit from the book. I just started trying to re-read another book. The "Forward" section of the book is 500 pages long. 500 PAGES. I got to the point where I started to skip past it, but then it actually included a very important piece of how they advise you meditate as part of their system. How can I skim anything if that's in the FUCKING FORWARD OF THE BOOK?! Then I started reading the actual first chapter, and guess what? More filler! If I had been holding a physical copy of the book, rather than reading on the Kindle App of my phone, I would have thrown the book across the room. At this point, I'll probably just start reading another recommended self-help book.

Speaking of tangents, I guess that's all I have to write for now.  

“Today's tangents will become tomorrow's arcs, and unforeseen connections will tie up your loose ends in a way that will make you want to slap your head and holler at your accidental brilliance.”

I'm So Tired

 

I haven't been journaling lately... why? Laziness? Procrastination? Falling off the ladder a little bit? Could be all of the above... but I'm also just so stinking tired. I'm back to attempting to get Ashla to sleep through the night, and it's going even worse than my previous attempts. 

Yes, this is my fourth attempt. In my defense, soon after completing a VERY gentile and VERY slow paced sleep learning attempts each time, which always went very well by the sixth night, Ashla would immediately catch some kind of virus... which would cause me to stay up with her all night nursing her, and put his back at square one. And let me tell you, after being up several nights with a sick kid, I am in no way able to sign up to lose more sleep by attempting to continue to sleep, ugh, learn. 

Anyways, so now the last several nights I've been back at it, and it's going terribly. Normally, I follow this slow regimen where I nurse her throughout the night for three nights, but lay her down while she's still awake, then slowly transition to trying to help her sleep without nursing. She fusses, she doesn't like it, but ultimately goes to sleep. The last three nights she has either been awake, or wrestling around ALL. FUCKING. NIGHT. I'm so tired. I'm bone weary tired. I'm three cups of coffee into the morning and it is doing absolutely nothing for me. I'm so tired I feel kind of sick. 

I don't get it. Maybe because she's getting older and more stubborn. Maybe I didn't go slowly enough? I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep in her bed with her forever. I'm so starved for sleep in my own space. Even when we're not sleep learning she's very active in her sleep. But her wakefulness the last few nights takes the cake. If she goes into a fourth night of not letting me sleep all night, I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't continue to loose sleep, and I can't imagine she's faring much better today either at childcare. But at least she gets to take naps. I get to work all day and hope I don't bang my head on my desk nodding off during my down times.

So do I just go back to nursing her throughout the night? I'm in all these breastfeeding groups, and I would never admit to attempting to get my kid to sleep on my schedule vs. her own because the judgement there is real. I see moms like, "yeah my kid is four and I still nurse them throughout the night." I just can't wrap my head around that. Ashla is 18 months old, and while I don't have plans to wean her (just "night wean" her), I can't imagine breastfeeding at all her past 2. I thought getting to age 1 was going to be a struggle. And in all fairness, Ahsoka spoiled me by self-weaning herself by 15 months old.

But I digress. Sleep. I need it. I'm not getting it. And walking around in a constant fog makes being productive really difficult. I manage to muster the energy to work at my job... and I do the things my kids need me to do. But working on myself just feels so out of reach energy-wise right now. I know self-care is important, but how do you work on yourself when you can barely get through the day?

Sorrow

 

So last week in counseling we talked about judgement.... and how I can be pretty rigid in my ideas of letting go of things, including grief. We also talked about reframing things - and I said that it's hard for me to think about how to reframe my thoughts. I feel frozen in this regard. So I know that's something we're going to work on this week. 

But to start, something I can focus on is giving myself grace and not setting expectations on the grieving process - "I should be over this by now" is a toxic idea... which is something I think I logically know, but it's where once again, my illogical and my logical brain go to war so to speak. I think there's this part of me that thinks if I let this go, somehow I will no longer have sorrow. But in reality, there's no time limit on grief, and it's not really about letting go. Thinking about it in terms of reframing, instead of "Should" I might consider "I would like..." This is also where I still struggle. I realized that there's a part of me that's afraid to let go of my grief because it feels like I'm letting my brother go, and I'm not ready for that. And something I need to accept is that is ok too - what I need to focus on instead is letting myself grieve in a way that somehow feels better to me. I can hold more than one feeling at a time (which is funny that I'm telling myself that because I tell my daughter that all the time). It's true that Matthew is gone, and it's also true that I wish he wasn't. It's true that I miss him and it's also true that missing him will not bring him back... but its' also true that I love him and that will never change no matter what.

I think I can be really judgmental in many aspects of my life. I'm mostly judgmental of myself, but I have been known to be judgmental of other people... which is something I've been actively working against for several years now. I know where it comes from. And I've managed to really work through letting go of my expectations of other people. My expectations of myself, however, I still have a long way to go.

It's not like I expect myself to be perfect... I KNOW I'm not perfect. But I always expect myself to be this pillar of emotional maturity. I've been through so much in my life, so I should know better. I think it's because other people have often expected me to be to a better place than I am, stemming to childhood. Some of that is because of having siblings much older than myself expecting me to be where they were at in terms of maturity. And some of that comes from going through so much trauma early on that I had no choice but to mature in ways that other children didn't necessarily have to. It was sink or swim really. 

Growing up, by jr high/high school age, I was told that I had an "old soul;" which sadly, children of trauma often are told. We do mature in ways before our years due to necessity, and due to inevitability of the circumstances that surround us. In my case, dealing with trauma, while simultaneously lacking parental support, caused me to have to learn to be my own parent. So much so that when my mom did attempt to parent me, I became resentful of her - you weren't here before, so your efforts now are both unnecessary and disrespectful. Of course, this self-asserted sense of maturity also caused me to make mistakes, and I thought I knew more than I really did. I was, after all, still a fucking child. I spent a significant amount of time in my 20's working through that idea of self-parenting, reverting in some ways to more childish ways that I didn't get to have as a child, and then coming around full circle back into adulthood. It was not a fun process.

Some people look back at their youth fondly, and would gladly relive it all. You could not pay me all the money in the world to relive my teens and 20s. Maybe I would start back at 31, but I would never want to go back any further. Even with all the anxiety I'm presently working through, my life is the best it's ever been. I'm so fucking grateful to be where I'm at now. Maybe that's the crux of my situation - because when life gets easier, something always happens to make it all go awry. I'm terrified of the next "big bad." 

I guess that's my next step of reframing, and counseling in general, is trying to stay present instead of always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Last week I explained it that while I try to focus on what I can control, the idea that there are some many things out of my control makes me feel terrified all of the time. Like my anxiety when flying - know that there's literally nothing I can do once we're in the air, to control what is happening. I still need to figure out what to do with this feeling. But this will probably be what I continue to focus on in counseling this week.

Let it Go

 

Reframing... I was assigned two task before counseling this week. 

1. Return phone call - Schedule counseling with referral
2. Find space to journal one more time before next time we meet

Last week we talked about practicing a reframing mindset. Reframe my negative thoughts into positive ones. Reframe some of my anxious thoughts. She asked what I could reframe, and I hesitated. I hesitated in part because I was so exhausted from attempting to get Ashla to sleep through the night (trading in a short term loss of sleep for hopefully long term sleep success). Right as it seemed I was turning a corner with getting Ashla to nurse less at night, BAM, we all got RSV - we still have RSV. Having a nursing baby with RSV while also suffering the effects of RSV yourself is... well is sucks. I don't think I'm going to meet both of these goals before my session tomorrow. I'm just too... exhausted to do both. 

Making a phone call should be easy... but I just can't seem to do it yet.

But I can crack out a journal entry real fast because my mush-like, sleep-deprived, spacey due to being sick as fuck brain can always write something... even if that something isn't great. It's just a journal entry.

So thinking about reframing. I don't know why this one is so difficult. When I read about reframing things, it all makes sense. But coming up with a) what I need to reframe and b) what to reframe said thought as, all on my own, I come up blank. I suppose I could start with my anxiety triggers. Maybe make a list? Ok, so maybe this journal entry won't be super successful. I'm so tired and sick feeling, I can barely think. 

But one thing comes to mind. I've long said that I have a hard time letting things go. Letting go of the past. Letting people go. One thing I've struggled with losing my brother is the idea of letting him go. But maybe what I'm struggling with is letting go of the grief. Is that reframing? Or do I need to take it a step further? Is seeking out the ability to let go what I need to be seeking out, or something else? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is there there is a part of me that is terrified of letting go of the grief. There is part of me that does not want to accept that my brother isn't coming back. I've already lost him. So why does it feel like if I let go of this terrible feeling, I'm losing him all over again? Why does it feel like I love him less if I let it go? Regardless of desire, I don't know if I could let this go, even if I wanted to.

Last week marked three years since we lost my brother. This is the first year I didn't write something up on social media. Not writing about it didn't ease it's passing. It just made my grief more private. Would it help others if I just stopped talking about it? I thought maybe it would, but I don't think that is actually the case. I think instead we all just grieved separately. It bubbled over though when my oldest daughter, while watching Frozen, asked me if I was going to die. Normally, I would have said "yes, but not for a very long time" or maybe tried to use the opportunity to talk about life and death. But I had just realized that the day marked the anniversary of my brother's passing, and through tears I said "No honey, I'm not going to die." Then she asked in her sweet voice "Because you love me?" I replied "Exactly" and I held her so close and started crying. Then I went into the kitchen where my husband, who overheard the exchange, embraced me as I cried for a while. 

It's normally very hard for me to cry most of the time. There usually has to be some sort of overwhelming combination of feelings and experiences going on simultaneously, causing me to hit some sort of breaking point, before I can finally let go and cry. That changed somewhat since my brother died. I've probably cried more in the last few years than I have during my entire life, and then some. But now that I'm a few years past it, crying has become difficult again. 

Logically I know that crying can be good for you, that tears can cleanse, can heal. But I was raised to believe that you should always hold everything back, and that's been a tough cycle for me to try to break. My ultimate goal is that even if I have a difficult time expressing these things myself, that I always make space to encourage it with my daughters. I will do anything to break the cycle, and enable them to feel comfortable with... well, with feeling. To be vulnerable with those they love. I never want them to go through anything like I've gone through, but no matter their hurtles in life, I want them to always be able to express themselves, and acknowledge those feelings. 

I don't have anything to end this entry with. Except for this damn earworm. 

Cha, Cha, Cha, Changes

Last week's counseling assignment was to come up with 2-3 goals and measurable objectives... Seriously, I have very few fucking clues here. But let's just start writing and see what we come up with, shall we?

1. Better manage my anxiety.

This one is the most obvious and probably the main reason for starting up counseling again. As far as measurable objectives, this is where I struggle. How to I measure this? I've been less anxious lately in terms of not having massive anxiety attacks, but I've also been living in a bubble. Aside from walking around my neighborhood, I haven't been anywhere in over a month. It's easy to manage things when I have a fairly controlled bubble around me. But maybe that's what I need for the moment.

2. Deal with my past feelings so that I can learn to be present

Yikes. Also, again, how do I create measurable objectives around this? I guess my goal to start journaling will start to address this. Hello journal!

3. Stop having massive anxiety attacks when I drive, specifically over bridges

Can that be a goal, or is that just a super deep desire to stop this, and something I'll never actually be able to achieve without some sort of medication? 

4. Never have to medicate for my anxiety.... 

Ok, that one might be unreasonable. I've only tried medication once years ago, and it didn't go well. It's kind of shitty to make this a goal since I always encourage other people to take care of themselves and medicate when necessary. I know what my hang up is though - it's my mom. I hate that so many things come down to my desire to avoid being like her at all costs. But watching her medicate throughout my life - the side effectives, the dependency, the lack of results - It's just so frustrating. I've seen her fail to follow through with any sort of counseling or therapy time and time again. I've seen her go through periods of deep depression and extreme mania, followed by periods of self-reflection; only to watch the cycle continuously repeat. I've seen her go through countless medications, always expecting a combination of pills to fix her everything. I've seen her expect those around her to fill in the gaps and make her happy. And nothing works. I hate the way she criticizes everyone around her. But also, I'm not her. I might have anxiety, but I know she has so much going on that I can't even fathom. I know that her lifetime struggle is so far beyond what is going on with me. That doesn't negate what I'm going through, but it's perspective I need to keep in mind when it comes to medication. So I guess my goal isn't a "never" so much as it's a "I'd like to try counseling first, and then if that doesn't work, think about what else I need to help me." But even writing all of this out, I still can't shake that desire to avoid medication. I just can't put myself and those around me through that. 

5. Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and obtain/have the wisdom to know the difference...

Obviously this isn't a goal so much as it is a journey. But acceptance. What things do I need to accept? What can I change? And what can I do to learn the difference, and move on? I'll think about how to word that into an easily digestible goal.

Fuck, that's more than the 2 - 3 goals I was asked to make. I suppose like most things in life, I need to figure out the first and foremost priority in those things.

Landslide

 

It comes down to this. If I really want to stick with this counseling thing, I need to journal. And while this blog wasn't started or intended to be a journal, even without the intention, that's what it has become. And since no one but me reads this anyway, here we are.

So journaling... writing with personal intention has always been difficult for me. It's easy to write when I broach a topic like I would a school essay. Main topic and three points; small fish, middle fish, big fish. Arguments in support or against said topics. I did best in school when I was allowed to write. For the last few years, however, writing has been difficult. 

Maybe it's because when I write lately, I feel. Maybe it's because when I write lately, I go into long tangents that pull from the depths of things I'd rather not think about. Maybe it's because when I write lately, things flow through me, pulling me down like a landslide. And the thing is, I don't want to deal with those difficult feelings. Life feels too short to deal with the past. I want to be present because being present is good for you right? Not if you're avoiding dealing with the past do deal with those difficult feelings. 

Can I say "you" a bunch so that it seems like I'm not actually talking about myself? I think that's always enabled me to maintain some sense of detachment in my writing "when 'x' happens 'you' may feel this." It's logical, it's easy to fall into. 

I love my logical brain. The illogical part of my brain... not so much. Feelings are messy and illogical. Anxiety is illogical. If only my logical side won more than my illogical side, everything wouldn't feel so out of control when I allow myself to actually FEEL something (you know, other than the things I want to feel). 

And that's it in a nutshell. I spend so much time unconsciously shoving down my difficult feelings... that... that what? What is the endgame? But it is somehow reflexive. It's not intention at this point, it's just something I've been doing for so long it's hard to stop. And I think that's one reason why I get anxious. Because even if it feels natural to shove down difficult feelings, they're still leaking through, hitting me hard. Shattering my ability to stay present.

So what's the endgame? I need to sit with these difficult feelings. I need to let them wash over me like a landslide, and fall down the mountain so that I can finally deal with them, and come up the other side... So that eventually I can be present. So that eventually the here and now is where I'm actually at, instead of simply where I struggle to be.

 

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

 

One of the hardest things for me to do at times is to stay present. And yet, it's one of those things that I should be doing in order to effective manage my anxiety. Even more difficult is for me to be present when I'm feeling emotions that are difficult for me to sit with. I would prefer to put off feeling those things, or find ways to distract myself from these feelings. Anxiety is a familiar feeling for me lately - a little too familiar. I started back to counseling because I've recently determined that I'm not managing my anxiety as well as I would like. 

Yesterday, I went through the process of giving my full background to my new counselor - it was harder than I thought it was going to be. I haven't been to counseling in at least a decade, but the process is familiar for me. I figured this would be more like a tune up, but it's possible I've been needing some major work. 

When talking about my past, I'm usually so capable of going into robot-mode and just talking about my past in a super detached way. They may be my stories, but after so long, they've just become stories to me with little emotional weight... or so I thought. This time, in an effort to get out literally as much as I could muster in one sitting so that my new counselor had every piece of history I could find to make sure she knew why I am the way I am... talking through my stories felt different. My voice was shaky. My hands were shaky. She checked in with me a couple of times to make sure I was comfortable continuing to talk about everything. 

At the end of the session, I brought up my cousin Paul, who died by suicide when I was 14 years old. This morning, I realized for the first time this week that that this is World Suicide Prevent Week. It seems almost fitting that my deep dive counseling session would coincide with this week since this time of year always makes me think about Paul. This is the week that reminds me that I'm still living without him. I'm terrible at letting people go, but even over 26 years later, I'm still haunted by the idea that he should still be here. I worry that I will always be haunted by those that I've lost, but this loss in particular stands out. The night he left still stands out in my mind as the most traumatic night of my life.

So today, the feeling that I'm sitting with is that I'm feeling depressed. This is a difficult emotion for me to sit with in particular. Outside of major life events, it doesn't come up that often. I think I'm having a little bit of an emotional fall out, an emotional hangover of sorts, after going through the process of talking about things I haven't thought about in a while. Coupled with thinking about Paul, I'm struggling. And it feels like I don't have time to struggle. I need to work, I need to be productive. I need to take care of my family. But right now, it's really fucking hard. 

Putting off this feeling isn't working... and I realized a few moments a go, that I probably shouldn't put this off. I need to sit with this feeling. I need to feel the weight on my chest. That doesn't mean I should let myself drop into the pit of despair. Sitting with these feelings doesn't mean I need to be consumed by them. But writing about them? Taking some deep breaths and recognizing them? It's probably better than trying to distract myself, or pretend that I'm alright. For right now, I'm giving myself permission to feel this way and to let myself feel it, in order to move through it.

Thinking About You Today

 I was thinking about you today. It's hard not to when social media tells me that it's your birthday. You would have been 50 years old today. You would have, of course, have tried to convince me that you were still in your 40's, and I would, of course, have reminded you that you are 10 years older than me. So I know exactly what age you are. Our decade milestones always synched - turning 40 this year didn't feel right without our yearly phone call to discuss how surreal aging is. I imagine our phone call today would have entailed discussing various medial and political topics. As hard as COVID has been the past year and a half, I somehow think you would have found it incredibly fascinating. I'd talk to you about the kids, their various milestones, how much they've grown recently. You would talk about your friends, and mom. We'd tell each other how much we missing one another, and talk about the next planned visit. 

I can't believe how long it's been since I've heard you laugh. What I can believe is how much I still miss you and how I wish you were here. You should still be here. I will never stop believing that. I love you big brother.