Let it Go

 

Reframing... I was assigned two task before counseling this week. 

1. Return phone call - Schedule counseling with referral
2. Find space to journal one more time before next time we meet

Last week we talked about practicing a reframing mindset. Reframe my negative thoughts into positive ones. Reframe some of my anxious thoughts. She asked what I could reframe, and I hesitated. I hesitated in part because I was so exhausted from attempting to get Ashla to sleep through the night (trading in a short term loss of sleep for hopefully long term sleep success). Right as it seemed I was turning a corner with getting Ashla to nurse less at night, BAM, we all got RSV - we still have RSV. Having a nursing baby with RSV while also suffering the effects of RSV yourself is... well is sucks. I don't think I'm going to meet both of these goals before my session tomorrow. I'm just too... exhausted to do both. 

Making a phone call should be easy... but I just can't seem to do it yet.

But I can crack out a journal entry real fast because my mush-like, sleep-deprived, spacey due to being sick as fuck brain can always write something... even if that something isn't great. It's just a journal entry.

So thinking about reframing. I don't know why this one is so difficult. When I read about reframing things, it all makes sense. But coming up with a) what I need to reframe and b) what to reframe said thought as, all on my own, I come up blank. I suppose I could start with my anxiety triggers. Maybe make a list? Ok, so maybe this journal entry won't be super successful. I'm so tired and sick feeling, I can barely think. 

But one thing comes to mind. I've long said that I have a hard time letting things go. Letting go of the past. Letting people go. One thing I've struggled with losing my brother is the idea of letting him go. But maybe what I'm struggling with is letting go of the grief. Is that reframing? Or do I need to take it a step further? Is seeking out the ability to let go what I need to be seeking out, or something else? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is there there is a part of me that is terrified of letting go of the grief. There is part of me that does not want to accept that my brother isn't coming back. I've already lost him. So why does it feel like if I let go of this terrible feeling, I'm losing him all over again? Why does it feel like I love him less if I let it go? Regardless of desire, I don't know if I could let this go, even if I wanted to.

Last week marked three years since we lost my brother. This is the first year I didn't write something up on social media. Not writing about it didn't ease it's passing. It just made my grief more private. Would it help others if I just stopped talking about it? I thought maybe it would, but I don't think that is actually the case. I think instead we all just grieved separately. It bubbled over though when my oldest daughter, while watching Frozen, asked me if I was going to die. Normally, I would have said "yes, but not for a very long time" or maybe tried to use the opportunity to talk about life and death. But I had just realized that the day marked the anniversary of my brother's passing, and through tears I said "No honey, I'm not going to die." Then she asked in her sweet voice "Because you love me?" I replied "Exactly" and I held her so close and started crying. Then I went into the kitchen where my husband, who overheard the exchange, embraced me as I cried for a while. 

It's normally very hard for me to cry most of the time. There usually has to be some sort of overwhelming combination of feelings and experiences going on simultaneously, causing me to hit some sort of breaking point, before I can finally let go and cry. That changed somewhat since my brother died. I've probably cried more in the last few years than I have during my entire life, and then some. But now that I'm a few years past it, crying has become difficult again. 

Logically I know that crying can be good for you, that tears can cleanse, can heal. But I was raised to believe that you should always hold everything back, and that's been a tough cycle for me to try to break. My ultimate goal is that even if I have a difficult time expressing these things myself, that I always make space to encourage it with my daughters. I will do anything to break the cycle, and enable them to feel comfortable with... well, with feeling. To be vulnerable with those they love. I never want them to go through anything like I've gone through, but no matter their hurtles in life, I want them to always be able to express themselves, and acknowledge those feelings. 

I don't have anything to end this entry with. Except for this damn earworm.