Last week's counseling assignment was to come up with 2-3 goals and measurable objectives... Seriously, I have very few fucking clues here. But let's just start writing and see what we come up with, shall we?
1. Better manage my anxiety.
This one is the most obvious and probably the main reason for starting up counseling again. As far as measurable objectives, this is where I struggle. How to I measure this? I've been less anxious lately in terms of not having massive anxiety attacks, but I've also been living in a bubble. Aside from walking around my neighborhood, I haven't been anywhere in over a month. It's easy to manage things when I have a fairly controlled bubble around me. But maybe that's what I need for the moment.
2. Deal with my past feelings so that I can learn to be present
Yikes. Also, again, how do I create measurable objectives around this? I guess my goal to start journaling will start to address this. Hello journal!
3. Stop having massive anxiety attacks when I drive, specifically over bridges
Can that be a goal, or is that just a super deep desire to stop this, and something I'll never actually be able to achieve without some sort of medication?
4. Never have to medicate for my anxiety....
Ok, that one might be unreasonable. I've only tried medication once years ago, and it didn't go well. It's kind of shitty to make this a goal since I always encourage other people to take care of themselves and medicate when necessary. I know what my hang up is though - it's my mom. I hate that so many things come down to my desire to avoid being like her at all costs. But watching her medicate throughout my life - the side effectives, the dependency, the lack of results - It's just so frustrating. I've seen her fail to follow through with any sort of counseling or therapy time and time again. I've seen her go through periods of deep depression and extreme mania, followed by periods of self-reflection; only to watch the cycle continuously repeat. I've seen her go through countless medications, always expecting a combination of pills to fix her everything. I've seen her expect those around her to fill in the gaps and make her happy. And nothing works. I hate the way she criticizes everyone around her. But also, I'm not her. I might have anxiety, but I know she has so much going on that I can't even fathom. I know that her lifetime struggle is so far beyond what is going on with me. That doesn't negate what I'm going through, but it's perspective I need to keep in mind when it comes to medication. So I guess my goal isn't a "never" so much as it's a "I'd like to try counseling first, and then if that doesn't work, think about what else I need to help me." But even writing all of this out, I still can't shake that desire to avoid medication. I just can't put myself and those around me through that.
5. Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and obtain/have the wisdom to know the difference...
Obviously this isn't a goal so much as it is a journey. But acceptance. What things do I need to accept? What can I change? And what can I do to learn the difference, and move on? I'll think about how to word that into an easily digestible goal.
Fuck, that's more than the 2 - 3 goals I was asked to make. I suppose like most things in life, I need to figure out the first and foremost priority in those things.
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