Tangents

 

Journaling... it's a good way to process everything, getting my thoughts down. And it's also been two months since I last journaled. It's incredible (or maybe internally incredulous) how time passes, or how easy it is for me to procrastinate until time is passing by. It's so easy for me to procrastinate and then just let things slide. But I made a goal last week to journal at least once in the two week span between counseling appointments, so here I am....

First thing first, I survived Christmas. More than that, I had a genuinely really awesome Christmas with my family. I was expecting some kind of processing super blowout blowup temper tantrum from Ahsoka, and it just didn't happen. She really had a wonderful day. I think she had one point in time where she needed to chill in her room for a bit, but overall I'm just really floored at how well Christmas Day went for her. I think it helped that we stayed home instead of traveling down to their grandparents. And Ashla, as always, was just cool with everything going on around her. While I'm certain Ashla will have the same phases as Ahsoka, for now, she's pretty chill. She does scream if Ahsoka screams in a kind of "oh, are we screaming now, I CAN SCREAM TOOOO!" But I don't think she's actually having a temper tantrum. Like every younger sibling before her, she just wants to be part of what the older sibling is doing... at all times.

Another positive note is that the holidays are often a mixed bag for me (thinking of the past, missing my siblings, worrying about my mom), and so part of me was anticipating that sort of like, mixture of getting caught up in the past and still loving the holiday and all the traditions. I think I've been getting better about dwelling, and trying to stay in the moment. Somehow, instead of getting trapped in those past moments, I managed to stay present and just focus on where I was at... potentially because kids are such a whirlwind, I had no choice but to be in that chaotic and wonderful moment.

That being said, in the name of being honest (mostly with myself), I have had some heaviness/anxiety feeling in my chest the last couple of days. I think this might be more of the post-holiday blues. Sort of how I feel after a convention or a vacation. There's so much buildup to the holidays and there's so much going on with all the presents and wonderful food and time together, and then in the blink of an eye, it's over. So what now? Go back to regular non-holiday-celebrating life? I don't want to. I want to go back to Christmas morning and watching my kids open the gifts that I've been so thoughtfully picking out and purchasing and wrapping and planning for the last six months.

I also finished a trilogy of books I was working on, and I don't really have another book to look forward to at this point. At least not one that has been published yet... it blows my mind that authors sit on the next book in a series for a decade at a time - I mean, I'll still love the next book, but I'm impatient. I started reading another book, which I had tried to read before - very popular series, highly recommended. I hate it. I'll keep trying, but might just have to give up the ghost on this one. Life is a little too short to read books that I'm not into, especially if they are supposed to be for fun.

Anyways, everything has an end... maybe that's another area where I continue to struggle a bit. Processing endings, letting things reach logical conclusions, and moving onto something else. There's always another holiday, another thing to celebrate, another book to read; however, I don't know if that's quite the heart of the issue either. So what is it? Is it my not-so-gentle inability to just let things go? Even if it's just the not so distant past, as in, two flipping days ago, am I simply just shitty at letting things go? I guess so since this is a theme I keep going back to. Just another thing on my laundry list of things I need to stay on top of. Ok, not "just." And I need to stop delegitimizing my need to adequately and gracefully acknowledge and address the things that I'm going through and need to work on. I am human, but I'm also a creature of habit and a creature of constant change. I need change, I long for it. And then at the same time, I want to be trapped in happy moments where my kids don't age and I don't age, and everyone and everything is just at peace. But logically I know that we cannot truly know happiness without the mixture of everything else too. Also, there are many happy moments to look forward to. If only I could also stop focusing on the bad things that I know are also coming (you know, like the climate disaster). 

On a side note, thinking back to books... I've come to the conclusion that I hate a lot of psychology books. I think it's the "look how great this book is, and here's all the research we did, and this is why you'll love the results" aspect of it. I struggled with this while reading baby books too. There was so much damn filler. JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT (which is funny to say since I am most certainly the tangent ruler of all things tangent related). But seriously, you have a system you think will help me? Give me the system. Don't write five chapters about how awesome you are and how awesome your thing is, and then every chapter afterwards is just additional filler. I have focus issues. I'm never going to be able to read 1,000 pages of filler to get to the maybe 10 pages of actual helpful information. Especially if that information appears to be hidden throughout the filler. I know I need to learn a bit of patience, but fucks sake, I just can't seem to do it! At the first least, these authors should include a companion piece or set of chapters that just gives you the nitty gritty for those of us that I just want to know. Otherwise, I just can't seem to focus long enough to really benefit from the book. I just started trying to re-read another book. The "Forward" section of the book is 500 pages long. 500 PAGES. I got to the point where I started to skip past it, but then it actually included a very important piece of how they advise you meditate as part of their system. How can I skim anything if that's in the FUCKING FORWARD OF THE BOOK?! Then I started reading the actual first chapter, and guess what? More filler! If I had been holding a physical copy of the book, rather than reading on the Kindle App of my phone, I would have thrown the book across the room. At this point, I'll probably just start reading another recommended self-help book.

Speaking of tangents, I guess that's all I have to write for now.  

“Today's tangents will become tomorrow's arcs, and unforeseen connections will tie up your loose ends in a way that will make you want to slap your head and holler at your accidental brilliance.”