Landslide

 

It comes down to this. If I really want to stick with this counseling thing, I need to journal. And while this blog wasn't started or intended to be a journal, even without the intention, that's what it has become. And since no one but me reads this anyway, here we are.

So journaling... writing with personal intention has always been difficult for me. It's easy to write when I broach a topic like I would a school essay. Main topic and three points; small fish, middle fish, big fish. Arguments in support or against said topics. I did best in school when I was allowed to write. For the last few years, however, writing has been difficult. 

Maybe it's because when I write lately, I feel. Maybe it's because when I write lately, I go into long tangents that pull from the depths of things I'd rather not think about. Maybe it's because when I write lately, things flow through me, pulling me down like a landslide. And the thing is, I don't want to deal with those difficult feelings. Life feels too short to deal with the past. I want to be present because being present is good for you right? Not if you're avoiding dealing with the past do deal with those difficult feelings. 

Can I say "you" a bunch so that it seems like I'm not actually talking about myself? I think that's always enabled me to maintain some sense of detachment in my writing "when 'x' happens 'you' may feel this." It's logical, it's easy to fall into. 

I love my logical brain. The illogical part of my brain... not so much. Feelings are messy and illogical. Anxiety is illogical. If only my logical side won more than my illogical side, everything wouldn't feel so out of control when I allow myself to actually FEEL something (you know, other than the things I want to feel). 

And that's it in a nutshell. I spend so much time unconsciously shoving down my difficult feelings... that... that what? What is the endgame? But it is somehow reflexive. It's not intention at this point, it's just something I've been doing for so long it's hard to stop. And I think that's one reason why I get anxious. Because even if it feels natural to shove down difficult feelings, they're still leaking through, hitting me hard. Shattering my ability to stay present.

So what's the endgame? I need to sit with these difficult feelings. I need to let them wash over me like a landslide, and fall down the mountain so that I can finally deal with them, and come up the other side... So that eventually I can be present. So that eventually the here and now is where I'm actually at, instead of simply where I struggle to be.