Sorrow

 

So last week in counseling we talked about judgement.... and how I can be pretty rigid in my ideas of letting go of things, including grief. We also talked about reframing things - and I said that it's hard for me to think about how to reframe my thoughts. I feel frozen in this regard. So I know that's something we're going to work on this week. 

But to start, something I can focus on is giving myself grace and not setting expectations on the grieving process - "I should be over this by now" is a toxic idea... which is something I think I logically know, but it's where once again, my illogical and my logical brain go to war so to speak. I think there's this part of me that thinks if I let this go, somehow I will no longer have sorrow. But in reality, there's no time limit on grief, and it's not really about letting go. Thinking about it in terms of reframing, instead of "Should" I might consider "I would like..." This is also where I still struggle. I realized that there's a part of me that's afraid to let go of my grief because it feels like I'm letting my brother go, and I'm not ready for that. And something I need to accept is that is ok too - what I need to focus on instead is letting myself grieve in a way that somehow feels better to me. I can hold more than one feeling at a time (which is funny that I'm telling myself that because I tell my daughter that all the time). It's true that Matthew is gone, and it's also true that I wish he wasn't. It's true that I miss him and it's also true that missing him will not bring him back... but its' also true that I love him and that will never change no matter what.

I think I can be really judgmental in many aspects of my life. I'm mostly judgmental of myself, but I have been known to be judgmental of other people... which is something I've been actively working against for several years now. I know where it comes from. And I've managed to really work through letting go of my expectations of other people. My expectations of myself, however, I still have a long way to go.

It's not like I expect myself to be perfect... I KNOW I'm not perfect. But I always expect myself to be this pillar of emotional maturity. I've been through so much in my life, so I should know better. I think it's because other people have often expected me to be to a better place than I am, stemming to childhood. Some of that is because of having siblings much older than myself expecting me to be where they were at in terms of maturity. And some of that comes from going through so much trauma early on that I had no choice but to mature in ways that other children didn't necessarily have to. It was sink or swim really. 

Growing up, by jr high/high school age, I was told that I had an "old soul;" which sadly, children of trauma often are told. We do mature in ways before our years due to necessity, and due to inevitability of the circumstances that surround us. In my case, dealing with trauma, while simultaneously lacking parental support, caused me to have to learn to be my own parent. So much so that when my mom did attempt to parent me, I became resentful of her - you weren't here before, so your efforts now are both unnecessary and disrespectful. Of course, this self-asserted sense of maturity also caused me to make mistakes, and I thought I knew more than I really did. I was, after all, still a fucking child. I spent a significant amount of time in my 20's working through that idea of self-parenting, reverting in some ways to more childish ways that I didn't get to have as a child, and then coming around full circle back into adulthood. It was not a fun process.

Some people look back at their youth fondly, and would gladly relive it all. You could not pay me all the money in the world to relive my teens and 20s. Maybe I would start back at 31, but I would never want to go back any further. Even with all the anxiety I'm presently working through, my life is the best it's ever been. I'm so fucking grateful to be where I'm at now. Maybe that's the crux of my situation - because when life gets easier, something always happens to make it all go awry. I'm terrified of the next "big bad." 

I guess that's my next step of reframing, and counseling in general, is trying to stay present instead of always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Last week I explained it that while I try to focus on what I can control, the idea that there are some many things out of my control makes me feel terrified all of the time. Like my anxiety when flying - know that there's literally nothing I can do once we're in the air, to control what is happening. I still need to figure out what to do with this feeling. But this will probably be what I continue to focus on in counseling this week.