I'm working hard at feeling my feelings today. I had a busy weekend throwing a birthday party for my now seven year old. But today I'm back to work at my day job - a job I found out last week will no longer exist in the next 4-12 months due to the company winding down it's operations. I know there will be other opportunities. But for the first time in my adult life, I found a place that I actually enjoy working for.
My coworkers are so kind and caring. The company was so welcoming from day one. At times, the amount of positive feedback was overwhelming, especially coming from my last job, which was incredibly toxic. And now it's going away. I don't know what to do with myself this morning. All of my projects are on hold indefinitely. All of my work will go unused.
I know it's just a job, but I'm mourning. And it's the kind of mourning that drags because this is a slow death. It's so uncertain since I won't know until they let me go when my particular job will end. It could be as early as April. I'm so hopeful about my next steps, but I'm still sad for this moment. My first instinct when I start to feel sad is to distract or delay, but today I'm holding space for these feelings. And yeah, this really fucking sucks.
Anyways, the reason I'm writing this out is because I know this is an opportunity to explore my shadow, my relationship with feeling the need to control things, when so much in life is uncertain. Also my relationship with grief and the uncertain way that can present in my feelings. This is an opportunity to explore my ability to let things go - or more accurately my inability to let go at times. As I was writing this, the song "Road to Nowhere" by Talking Heads came into my brain. It felt apt, but it also it's hopeful. So that's all the feels this morning. Or at least, that's the start of where I'm at.
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