Once again I've been slacking on the whole mental health stability side hustle I've been running... and by side hustle, I mean, a primary concern that I really need to keep at the forefront of my brain at all times (and at times, this need to make my mental health a priority falls by the wayside way too easily). So, this is me getting back on track. It's not like I have been fully putting my mental health aside. I still meditate every night before bed, and stop to take deep breaths every so often during the day. But I haven't been writing, which for some reason helps me process things. And checking in with myself overall, I've been more anxious than usual lately; complete with chest pressure/tightness/occasional pain. However, big however, there has been several changes to my routine, so logically I know it's situational too.... that being said, a big focus of mine in counseling is expanding my tolerance window so that I can roll with these types of changes. Sometimes, all the things I have to simultaneously keep in mind while also, you know, living my life, in of itself makes all of this hard. But one thing I know I've been letting slide again in particular is staying in the moment. My anxiety often stems from the spirals I can dive head first into instead of staying present. So what's the worst that could go wrong? I could forget to pick up my kid from the bus stop, or take her to the bus stop. I get so hyper-focused on what I'm doing at work sometimes, that I worry that if I don't constantly remind myself that I need to live in however many minutes, I'll loose track of time and forget. Never mind that I have a reminder on my work computer and my phone. Never mind that I have time blocked off so that I know when to leave. I know myself, and even if I have had weeks to get used to this new routine, I have the absolute hardest time sticking to a routine for some reason. It's infuriating. I absolutely need routine to stay on track, and yet it's like my brain completely rejects routine. I could do something the same way at the same time a hundred times no problem, and then every once and a while it's like, OH SHINY, and completely fall off track like a derailed train, going full speed into a ravine. I had a pretty big miss at work recently, so I'm also dealing with a shame-spiral. Everyone else has moved one, why can't I? Why can't I make mistakes without me feeling like a failure with no redemption available?
I also haven't been getting any exercise with the new schedule. I hate when someone talks about being anxious or having another mental or physical health challenge, and someone says "oh you just need to exercise!" The obvious baloney of that statement shouldn't even require comment, and yet, some people are just so fucking clueless. That being said, I do personally notice that exercise is a crucial component of my mental health management. There's no way that I could solely rely or exercise to manage things... or meditation, or journaling, or really any one thing by itself. It's always a combination of things that help me overall. And that goes back to the crux of my ability to manage this... it's just a lot to remember all of the time, especially with my "routine-rejection" obsessed... subconscious? I don't know where it comes from. It's like there's a whole other person living in a corner of my brain subtly sabotaging me from time to time. I've gotten pretty good over the years at shutting her down or quieting her to a tiny buzz, but occasionally she's a real fucking loud bitch, and I'm too tired to shut her out.
Ugh, there is no neat and tidy end to this post. Just me, exhausted and overwhelmed, and hopefully trying to work on staying present and journaling and getting some exercise... and finding time away from being a busy mom running around like a chicken with her head cut off for self-care... yeah.
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