I called my mom on Mother's Day; a yearly obligation that I try to fulfill... I love my mom. She's the only parent I have. But much like most conversations with her, this one ended with her crying about her past. And I realized after that conversation that I don't want that for myself. I have felt trapped or haunted by my past at my points in my life. I know that I've come really far with counseling the last several months, and I've become better at managing my anxiety - identifying my triggers, breathing through things before they become overwhelming. So I try to take stock of the ways in which I've grown... but hearing my mom going through a moment where she was trapped in her trauma in real life solidified for me that I don't want that for myself. There are always going to be these moments in my past, and I'm not saying that I want to forget about them altogether; however, I hope that I do not look back at my life years from now feeling trapped in all the terrible moments in time the way my mother is.
Coming away from talking to my mom is always a little big "triggering." I wish that wasn't the case. I wish that I could have a conversation about my life or even a day in my life with my mother that didn't lead to her talking about her past and crying. I wish that I could come away from those conversations without feeling a mixture of that sadness that I've always felt around my mother - sadness that she feels sad, sadness that no matter how much I want to make her happy, making her happy is impossible - and also this feeling of resentfulness that I feel for my mother. The resentfulness is really part of my past too. The things I resent about her are largely in the past, and I wish I could let go of that. Maybe someday I will. But that day is not today.
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