Nothing is Free

There's been some discussion recently about how breastfeeding is "free". Being a data geek, I decided to export my breastfeeding data from my app (for Ashla only):

Total Hours across 2 years: 1700.43
Average Hours Per Week Year One: 20.12
Average Hours Per Week Year Two: 12.58

Total Hours Pumped: 191.82 (One year only)
Average Hours Per Week: 3.69

I am very lucky to have been able to breastfeed both my kids, but between the time investment and the amount of tools I had to purchase as a working parent, breastfeeding is far from free; plus, the emotional and physical toll this took on me. Not to mention the time it took the first three months to pump and supplement my children with additional feedings, so bottle-feeding on top of these stats. Looking at these numbers, breastfeeding alone, on top of working full-time 40 hours per week, and maintaining a household with another older child in tow, was an additional full-time job year one, and a part-time job year two. Tell me, how is that free? And how is that accessible to everyone?

I would never have been able to breastfeed my kids without the support of my family, my community, and my employer. It's a pretty big slap in the face to both breastfeeding parents, and bottle-feeding parents to be told that there's this free option waiting in the wings when so many parents are unable to do this. And furthermore, not all parents want to breastfeed for a myriad of reasons (that are no ones business but their own), and that is valid too. FED is best.

That day is not today

 

I called my mom on Mother's Day; a yearly obligation that I try to fulfill... I love my mom. She's the only parent I have. But much like most conversations with her, this one ended with her crying about her past. And I realized after that conversation that I don't want that for myself. I have felt trapped or haunted by my past at my points in my life. I know that I've come really far with counseling the last several months, and I've become better at managing my anxiety - identifying my triggers, breathing through things before they become overwhelming. So I try to take stock of the ways in which I've grown... but hearing my mom going through a moment where she was trapped in her trauma in real life solidified for me that I don't want that for myself. There are always going to be these moments in my past, and I'm not saying that I want to forget about them altogether; however, I hope that I do not look back at my life years from now feeling trapped in all the terrible moments in time the way my mother is. 

Coming away from talking to my mom is always a little big "triggering." I wish that wasn't the case. I wish that I could have a conversation about my life or even a day in my life with my mother that didn't lead to her talking about her past and crying. I wish that I could come away from those conversations without feeling a mixture of that sadness that I've always felt around my mother - sadness that she feels sad, sadness that no matter how much I want to make her happy, making her happy is impossible - and also this feeling of resentfulness that I feel for my mother. The resentfulness is really part of my past too. The things I resent about her are largely in the past, and I wish I could let go of that. Maybe someday I will. But that day is not today.