Deep Blue Sea

"We're not going to be able to keep this a secret as long as you'd like."

As I walked into childcare this morning to drop off Ahsoka, our provider says to me "Have you seen 'Deep Blue Sea'"? I haven't, but she quoted the above to me as she looked at my stomach. Now, I haven't been able to find that quote online, but all of that aside, I do look super pregnant for only being nine weeks along. It's not that I'm trying to keep it a secret at work so much as it's not really something I want to share until I hit that 12-16 week mark. While there's still a chance of miscarriage at that time, especially being 38 years old, it's far less likely that it will happen once you reach that point in the pregnancy.

All of that aside, I'm fucking terrible at keeping secrets. And despite my attempt to wear drapey clothing, I definitely have a very pronounced baby bump. The shirt I'm wearing is probably betraying me even more than I realized when I left the house this morning. I'm wearing a pretty loose open cardigan over it, but this is definitely going to be the last time I'm going to get away with wearing this shirt (mostly from a 'I don't want to stretch it out' perspective). I would love to break out the maternity wear, but with all the cinched around the sides, that will only further extenuate the bump. But that's only a matter of time as my waistline (and cup size) continues to expand.

At the end of the day, whether I'm pregnant or not is really no one's business, and I'm certain no one around the office is going to offer the idea that I might be pregnant before I'm ready to share it... But the thing is, I am ready to share it. I'm ready to shout, "Yep, there's a baby in there, and despite looking like I'm at the 20 week mark, we're only at nine weeks! Yep, fast approaching beached whale status over here!" I'm just a little terrified to do that.