The Best Laid Plans

Before I conceived, and while I was pregnant, I had many things in mind that I would have liked to do with my child, and how I planned (still plan) to raise them. I had this ideal of what parenthood will be like, specifically what kind of parent I would like to be. Some people refer to this as "being a perfect parent before you are a parent." I would like to think that I wasn't judgmental of other parents and their practices before having my own child, but in some ways I assumed that the parenting methods I wanted to employ would be the parenting methods I would employ. If you set out to do something, you can make it happen, right? *insert four-months-postpartum-mom maniacal laughter here* One of those plans included exactly where Ahsoka would sleep, how she would sleep, and at what age she would transition to her own room.

When it came to where Ahsoka would sleep, I knew that for the first six months of her life, we intended to have her sleeping in our bedroom, but in a separate bassinet - this practice is referred to as "co-sleeping" - sleeping in the same room, but not necessarily the same bed. I spent hours researching bassinettes, and finally took the advice of someone from my La Leche League Group, and got a min-pack and play (looking back now, especially with her tongue/lip tie and reflux issues, I wish I had started out using a side-car bed instead, but I digress). It was perfect because it would accommodate her both as a newborn, and as she grew up until six months. I knew that at six months, we could safely transfer her to her own bedroom in the beautiful Pottery Barn Kids crib we purchased (on sale, and it was a floor model, but still beautiful nonetheless).

Stick with me here, I'll get to a point eventually.

In the hospital, Ahsoka nursed often, but I was ultimately able to set her down in the small bedside bassinet they had for her throughout the night in-between feedings. By the third night, she was having some trouble staying asleep, but a little bit of soothing, and she was fine. This only cemented my confidence that I would be able to do the same with her at home in the mini-pack and play I had at for her next to my bed.

But three days after we had Ahsoka home from the hospital (six days after she was born), something changed - I can only describe it as her "waking up". She was more alert, and she was adorable, but she was also more demanding. Ahsoka would only sleep on me, day or night. I spent weeks trying to lay her down in her mini-pack and play after each nighttime feeding, and in her crib or downstairs pack and play during the day. And each time she would settle for maybe a few moments before screaming her head off until I picked her back up again. Her nighttime nursing frequency was so often, I started falling asleep with her in my arms. This, as a new mother who spent many hours of reading about SIDS, was terrifying to me. She should only be sleeping on her back in a completely separate space! As normal as it is for new moms to be exhausted and sleep deprived, I was barely sleeping period. My sisters exchanged knowing glances as I explained my plight to them. They had bed-shared with their kids, and explained to me that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to bed-share with Ahsoka.

This is when I started to realize just how applicable the term "the best laid plans" is in parenthood.

After reading numerous articles, studies, and books, here's what I found out about bed-sharing that surprised me. The instances of SIDS and bed-sharing was documented both when parents shared the bed, and fell asleep on other surfaces such as couches and sofas (where kids can fall of the couch, or fall into the cracks between cushions - a horrifying thing to read about); the documentation also included high-risk instances - such as parents who smoke, drink, use illicit drugs, or use medications that can cause sleepiness. None of those high risk factors applied to me. If you take out the high risk factors, SIDS in bed-sharing is far less common. In fact, there are many who believe (including the lactation consultant I eventually confided in later), that bed-sharing properly can actually reduce SIDS - this being a very controversial subject, as specialists and doctors and other parents could easily have a royal rumble in terms of their strong disagreements.

My doctor and the hospital and the nurses all spoke of "back to sleep" as if it was the only way could could keep your child asleep safely. And I believe that for safety and liability reasons, they are only able to recommend this practice. I get it, the "back to sleep" initiative has saved so many infants lives. But the thing is that it doesn't work for everyone. Despite weeks of my attempts to get Ahsoka to sleep on anything other than me (even anyone, she still doesn't sleep as soundly on her dad), her stubbornness prevailed.

"Even though most new breastfeeding mothers today don't plan to bedshare, studies show that eventually 60 to 75% of them will, at least some of the time."

I never intended to bed-share with my daughter. But after weeks of attempts to get her to sleep in her own space, to no avail, I needed to figure out how to safely do this. There's some good information out there, and I have provided some links below. I spent hours reading studies, and books, and I also talked to the ladies in my local La Leche League, to really get to the bottom of how to do it safely and how to make it work for me.

Because "back to sleep" is treated as the only way to safely get your child to sleep, many parents are afraid to tell their doctors (or anyone else) that they are actually bed-sharing, intentionally or not. I decided, despite the disapproving looks, that I would tell my doctor anyways because I'm not ashamed to say that both Ahsoka and I benefit from bed-sharing.

But is it possible that if parents could feel more comfortable telling their doctors the truth, and if doctors weren't so afraid of liability, that it could actually benefit all involved if doctors could simply inform parents of the risks, but also how to safely (as safely as possible including sharing the high-risk factors) bed-share? How to intentionally bed-share because bed-sharing on accident isn't safe. How to keep heavy blankets, pillows, any anything else away from baby. How to still put baby on their back, but next to you. How you can't swaddle your baby if you bed-share, and need to dress them lightly. How that if you do decide to bed-share, how you need a firm mattress, and absolutely cannot use a waterbed. How you have to keep pets and other children out of the bed if you are bed-sharing with an infant. How you have to keep long hair pulled back to avoid strangulation (and you don't wear necklaces or strapy sleep clothing). How you can use your arm to create a sort of space around you and the child, and how your legs naturally curl up to protect your child in a sort of safety cocoon. How you can face away from your partner, so you are in the middle of the bed, and the baby is on your side of the bed, but still plenty of room away from the edge. How you can reduce the risk of rolling even further by having a safe landing place, or a bed that is low tot he ground.

Wouldn't it be amazing if mothers didn't shame one another for the way they choose to raise their baby, or in my case, the way a baby's individual needs forces your hand regardless how you feel about something? Despite the best laid plans, sometimes you just have to do what works best for you and your family (safely of course). Because ultimately, both Ahsoka and I excel in our daily lives and our relationship with one another when we actually get some sleep.


References:

KellyMom: Co-sleeping and Bed-sharing
Breastfeeding Today: The Safe Sleep Seven
https://www.parentingscience.com/bed-sharing.html
https://cosleeping.nd.edu/
Ask Dr. Sears: Cosleeping Safely

Note: Many of the references at the bottom of the Kelly Mom article is what I was about to use, so in the name of saving time, I would advise you to check these references.

Articles:

MPR News: Is sleeping with your baby as dangerous as doctors say?