The Best Laid Plans

Before I conceived, and while I was pregnant, I had many things in mind that I would have liked to do with my child, and how I planned (still plan) to raise them. I had this ideal of what parenthood will be like, specifically what kind of parent I would like to be. Some people refer to this as "being a perfect parent before you are a parent." I would like to think that I wasn't judgmental of other parents and their practices before having my own child, but in some ways I assumed that the parenting methods I wanted to employ would be the parenting methods I would employ. If you set out to do something, you can make it happen, right? *insert four-months-postpartum-mom maniacal laughter here* One of those plans included exactly where Ahsoka would sleep, how she would sleep, and at what age she would transition to her own room.

When it came to where Ahsoka would sleep, I knew that for the first six months of her life, we intended to have her sleeping in our bedroom, but in a separate bassinet - this practice is referred to as "co-sleeping" - sleeping in the same room, but not necessarily the same bed. I spent hours researching bassinettes, and finally took the advice of someone from my La Leche League Group, and got a min-pack and play (looking back now, especially with her tongue/lip tie and reflux issues, I wish I had started out using a side-car bed instead, but I digress). It was perfect because it would accommodate her both as a newborn, and as she grew up until six months. I knew that at six months, we could safely transfer her to her own bedroom in the beautiful Pottery Barn Kids crib we purchased (on sale, and it was a floor model, but still beautiful nonetheless).

Stick with me here, I'll get to a point eventually.

In the hospital, Ahsoka nursed often, but I was ultimately able to set her down in the small bedside bassinet they had for her throughout the night in-between feedings. By the third night, she was having some trouble staying asleep, but a little bit of soothing, and she was fine. This only cemented my confidence that I would be able to do the same with her at home in the mini-pack and play I had at for her next to my bed.

But three days after we had Ahsoka home from the hospital (six days after she was born), something changed - I can only describe it as her "waking up". She was more alert, and she was adorable, but she was also more demanding. Ahsoka would only sleep on me, day or night. I spent weeks trying to lay her down in her mini-pack and play after each nighttime feeding, and in her crib or downstairs pack and play during the day. And each time she would settle for maybe a few moments before screaming her head off until I picked her back up again. Her nighttime nursing frequency was so often, I started falling asleep with her in my arms. This, as a new mother who spent many hours of reading about SIDS, was terrifying to me. She should only be sleeping on her back in a completely separate space! As normal as it is for new moms to be exhausted and sleep deprived, I was barely sleeping period. My sisters exchanged knowing glances as I explained my plight to them. They had bed-shared with their kids, and explained to me that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to bed-share with Ahsoka.

This is when I started to realize just how applicable the term "the best laid plans" is in parenthood.

After reading numerous articles, studies, and books, here's what I found out about bed-sharing that surprised me. The instances of SIDS and bed-sharing was documented both when parents shared the bed, and fell asleep on other surfaces such as couches and sofas (where kids can fall of the couch, or fall into the cracks between cushions - a horrifying thing to read about); the documentation also included high-risk instances - such as parents who smoke, drink, use illicit drugs, or use medications that can cause sleepiness. None of those high risk factors applied to me. If you take out the high risk factors, SIDS in bed-sharing is far less common. In fact, there are many who believe (including the lactation consultant I eventually confided in later), that bed-sharing properly can actually reduce SIDS - this being a very controversial subject, as specialists and doctors and other parents could easily have a royal rumble in terms of their strong disagreements.

My doctor and the hospital and the nurses all spoke of "back to sleep" as if it was the only way could could keep your child asleep safely. And I believe that for safety and liability reasons, they are only able to recommend this practice. I get it, the "back to sleep" initiative has saved so many infants lives. But the thing is that it doesn't work for everyone. Despite weeks of my attempts to get Ahsoka to sleep on anything other than me (even anyone, she still doesn't sleep as soundly on her dad), her stubbornness prevailed.

"Even though most new breastfeeding mothers today don't plan to bedshare, studies show that eventually 60 to 75% of them will, at least some of the time."

I never intended to bed-share with my daughter. But after weeks of attempts to get her to sleep in her own space, to no avail, I needed to figure out how to safely do this. There's some good information out there, and I have provided some links below. I spent hours reading studies, and books, and I also talked to the ladies in my local La Leche League, to really get to the bottom of how to do it safely and how to make it work for me.

Because "back to sleep" is treated as the only way to safely get your child to sleep, many parents are afraid to tell their doctors (or anyone else) that they are actually bed-sharing, intentionally or not. I decided, despite the disapproving looks, that I would tell my doctor anyways because I'm not ashamed to say that both Ahsoka and I benefit from bed-sharing.

But is it possible that if parents could feel more comfortable telling their doctors the truth, and if doctors weren't so afraid of liability, that it could actually benefit all involved if doctors could simply inform parents of the risks, but also how to safely (as safely as possible including sharing the high-risk factors) bed-share? How to intentionally bed-share because bed-sharing on accident isn't safe. How to keep heavy blankets, pillows, any anything else away from baby. How to still put baby on their back, but next to you. How you can't swaddle your baby if you bed-share, and need to dress them lightly. How that if you do decide to bed-share, how you need a firm mattress, and absolutely cannot use a waterbed. How you have to keep pets and other children out of the bed if you are bed-sharing with an infant. How you have to keep long hair pulled back to avoid strangulation (and you don't wear necklaces or strapy sleep clothing). How you can use your arm to create a sort of space around you and the child, and how your legs naturally curl up to protect your child in a sort of safety cocoon. How you can face away from your partner, so you are in the middle of the bed, and the baby is on your side of the bed, but still plenty of room away from the edge. How you can reduce the risk of rolling even further by having a safe landing place, or a bed that is low tot he ground.

Wouldn't it be amazing if mothers didn't shame one another for the way they choose to raise their baby, or in my case, the way a baby's individual needs forces your hand regardless how you feel about something? Despite the best laid plans, sometimes you just have to do what works best for you and your family (safely of course). Because ultimately, both Ahsoka and I excel in our daily lives and our relationship with one another when we actually get some sleep.


References:

KellyMom: Co-sleeping and Bed-sharing
Breastfeeding Today: The Safe Sleep Seven
https://www.parentingscience.com/bed-sharing.html
https://cosleeping.nd.edu/
Ask Dr. Sears: Cosleeping Safely

Note: Many of the references at the bottom of the Kelly Mom article is what I was about to use, so in the name of saving time, I would advise you to check these references.

Articles:

MPR News: Is sleeping with your baby as dangerous as doctors say?

Reality Bites

The thing about having a generalized anxiety disorder while simultaneously having a somewhat obsessive personality, is that you tend to know yourself and your anxiety pretty well by the time you are in your 30's... Or at least me and the people I know who are also living with anxiety seem to have a pretty good handle on it. To put it succinctly, I know myself, I know what an anxiety attack feels like. I know my anxiety "triggers". I even know when an anxiety attack is about to start, which is great because I can generally "head it off at the pass" so to speak, and prevent myself from having a full blown attack. I have a toolkit of various methods that I utilize to keep my anxiety in check. But I also know that sometimes, despite my best efforts to take care of myself, I'm going to go through rough patches. Sometimes that rough patch is having waves of general feelings of anxiety, sometimes it's a lack of energy, and sometimes it's depression. Usually big life events or changes tend to hit  me a little harder than they seem to hit other people, and they take me a little longer to bounce back. But it's been a long time since any of that has impacted my day to day life overall.

Knowing all of this is why I know that people in my particular situation are more susceptible to postpartum mood disorders such as Postpartum Depression (PPD), or Postpartum Anxiety (PPA). I was prepared for this. I was actually fully expecting to have to begin counseling again once Ahsoka was born. When my cat Stewie died two months before my daughter was due to arrive, I felt like it was almost set in stone because losing Stewie was (and still is) extremely hard on me.

After Ahsoka was born, my sisters came to visit, and it was amazing. My husband's mother came to visit us regularly, and was an immense help around the house. The combination of winter and nursing a newborn had me in full on hermit mode, but that too didn't seem to differ much from other moms I knew who had babies around the same time. I tend to become a hermit every winter anyways. Life was good.

I have read many articles about what women go through when they are experiencing or have experienced PPD and/or PPA, and I am simply unable to understand their plight. Women experiencing PPD and PPA talk about feeling disconnected from their children. Whereas I feel spiritually connected to my daughter in a way I could never have predicted.

I didn't seem to have any of the telltale symptoms of either PPD or PPA. Despite all of the issues we had with her weight gain (she's caught up now), and my own slow to heal issues (I'm fine now), I was so happy and grateful to have Ahsoka in my life. Aside from anxiety around Ahsoka's weight gain, which resolved itself once we finally figured everything out, I felt great mentally. I was exhausted, sleep deprived, I would still (and still do) cry about Stewie from time to time, but I wasn't having any full on anxiety attacks. I was less anxious overall than when I was pregnant. It's like Ahsoka and I were living in a blissful bubble outside of reality.

Then I returned to work a few weeks ago... While my anxiety still seems to be in check, I've been incredibly depressed. The first week I took my daughter to daycare, I was fortunate enough to be able to work from home the entire week. Fortunate because I cried every day until I was able to pick her up. I'm no longer crying nonstop when she's not around, but I feel like I'm walking around without a piece of my heart. I'm spending the latter half of the day counting the minutes until I get to see my daughter again. I'm having an awful time keeping motivated in my job responsibilities. And I absolutely hate breast pumping multiple times a day. I want to continue breastfeeding, so I will continue to pump so that she has milk for each day at daycare, but I hate this entire process.

I never thought I would long to be a stay at home mom. Part of me was looking forward to returning to work to get a little more structure back to my day. I worked really hard to get where I'm at in my career, and I thought that sentiment was enough to put me in a good place mentally upon my return to work. But when the day came to return to work, I was a mess. I woke up that morning, held my daughter while she slept, and just cried. I still don't feel like myself. I put off getting out of bed in the morning because I know the second we start our day, I'm going to have to leave Ahsoka with a stranger for the day (a very nice stranger who I'm glad we found, but still someone who is not me).

I wish we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom, or for me to at least work some cushy part time job where I could work out of my home with Ahsoka at my side, or only be away from her for only a few hours each day instead of 8 - 10 hours a day during the week (longer when my company hits our busy season this Fall). I miss being in our blissful mommy and baby bubble all day. Being with Ahsoka full-time was hard, harder than any day job I've ever had. But it was so rewarding; more rewarding than anything I've ever experienced in my life.

I'm sure all of this will get easier with time... at least, that's what people tell me, and that's what I keep telling myself. But I can't seem to logic my way out of this awful feeling when I'm away from her while I'm at work. And it's not like I've never been away from her. My husband and I have managed a couple of movie dates, and I've been fine. But being at work all day was soul sucking before I had a baby. You see, I'm not passionate about my job (I don't think most people are). I have hobbies that I'm passionate about (I run social media for a geek blog. I'm an admin for a Star Wars fan page on Facebook, I love seeing live music, going to conventions and taking pictures, etc.). But I'm not saving the world at my day job. I'm not even sure how much of what I do is really helping people anymore, which is what used to get me through the day (I work in benefits administration on the back end as a business analyst). I'm a small cog in a giant corporate machine that doesn't care about me or my family. They don't even care enough to pay me the average of what my job title gets paid (at my company or otherwise). And if I left, they would quickly and easily replace me.

But I'm not replaceable as Ahsoka's mom. She's growing and changing so fast, and I will only get to have this experience with her once in my life (and hers). But because of money and bills, I'm missing out. And it's the worst.

As I type and edit this post, tears are streaming down my face. Another Monday morning, and I'm missing my daughter terribly already. Is this really what postpartum depression looks like for me, or is it just the reality of being a working mom? Because this new reality of mine is incredibly depressing.

The Tie That Binds

Forward: This article is ultimately going to discuss Lip tie and Tongue Tie. But that's not where the story begins. 

NOTE: If you read nothing else from this point on, read this - If you live in the US, are about to have a baby, or just had your baby; get dental insurance when you add your baby to your medical insurance. If you don't need it, it's usually pretty inexpensive. But if your child needs a lip tie or tongue tie revisions surgery, your medical insurance will not likely cover it. Your dental insurance will.

Shortly after my daughter Ahsoka came into this world, she was hungry - Super hungry. If the hospital where you are giving birth knows that you intend to breastfeed (and if your hospital is worth their snuff), they're going to do everything in their power to help you be successful in your breastfeeding endeavors from the get go. This includes putting your new baby to your breast shortly (scratch that, almost immediately) after they are born.

Breastfeeding can be a tricky thing. It's beautiful, it's natural, but even in the most ideal circumstances, it can be incredibly difficult. Often times that first time at your breast, your baby will not latch. The hospital staff will tell you it's okay, they work with you, and they give you lactation consultants to help you and your baby learn how to latch. This was not the case for us. My baby girl latched immediately. She latched so well that the nurses (who are all trained lactation consultants at my hospital) never questioned if we would have a successful breastfeeding relationship. They called her "little barracuda" because she latched fiercely and often (and feeding often is what newborns are supposed to do).

In the short time in an American hospital, your breasts are typically only producing colostrum (the first secretion from the mammary glands after giving birth, rich in antibodies that helps your baby's stomach lining form so that their stomach can eventually properly digest breast milk that comes later), and your milk will not likely come in until you are home. My milk didn't come in until the night before my daughter's first post-hospital follow-up appointment (five days after she was born). I was breastfeeding her constantly; however, not only did she lose just over 10% of her body weight during our stay at the hospital (she was healthy otherwise, so they let us go), but she had lost even more weight since we left the hospital.

But my doctor and I had a plan. My milk had just come in the night before for Pete's sake! We needed to give it time. I was eating oatmeal every day, relaxing as much as possible with my sisters in town to help us out, and doing everything I could to support my milk production. So we set up another appointment the following week. When they weighed Ahsoka again the following week, my heart sank. She had not really gained much at all (actually, they mis-weighed her at first and it looked like she had lost any more weight, but fortunately she was just slow growing instead of still losing weight). So we set up another appointment for the following week. The lactation specialist at my doctor's office observed her latch at my breast, and said it looked good.

All in all it took four weeks for my daughter to get back up to her birth weight, so we had to continue to  bring her into the doctor's office to weigh her week after week.

Ahsoka didn't seem dehydrated, she was healthy and happy and on track otherwise. She was having regular diaper output that seemed in line for a baby her age. But she was still gaining very, very little weight. She was at my breast near-constantly. At that point, I was already hand expressing milk after each feeding, and giving her the hand expressed milk each day to supplement her long breastfeeding sessions. I began pumping milk and gave her pumped milk each day. We were giving her the milk with a dropper each feeding to avoid nipple confusion. It was all completely exhausting.

I knew that breastfeeding wasn't going to be easy. I knew that it was a process. But something seemed wrong. Was it really supposed to be THIS hard? I read every blog, article, book and study that I could about slow weight gain and breastfeeding methods. I started to question my milk supply, despite everything showing that my milk was fine. I felt like I was missing something.

Again, keeping in mind that because I had told them that I intended to breastfeed only, they wanted to do everything in their power to assist me in these efforts. Acquaintances who had their babies around the same time we had were all formula feeding. Now, I am of the opinion that "fed is best", so whatever works for your family is important. But I'm stubborn. I set out to breastfeed, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with my daughter or with my milk supply. So I continued down the breastfeeding only path. My doctor hadn't even mentioned supplementing with formula, or the potential of moving to formula; so I didn't consider it either.

Six weeks after my daughter was born her weight gain was still slow, but she was at least steadily gaining, and our doctor agreed it was time to give my daughter my pumped milk with the bottle to supplement her diet instead of the dropper. We switched to bi-weekly weigh-ins even though she was still below average weight for her age (some babies truly are just smaller or gain weight slower than others, but are otherwise healthy). We needed to start introducing the bottle anyways because eventually I needed to return to work and if you wait too long to introduce the bottle, the kid may never take to the bottle (or it can at least make the process of getting them to take the bottle much harder). Using the bottle to supplement her unfortunately had the opposite intended effect because her weight gain became even slower, which we did not discover until I had a lactation consultant come to our home to help me with breast pumping the following week.

Pumping milk is not as easy as it may seem, and when I first started using a breast pump, not only was I not getting much (2 - 3 ounces, which as it turns out is perfectly average for when you first start pumping), but my already tender nipples felt brutalized. I checked the Medela *my pump brand at the time* website to make sure I had the right sized shield for my nipple size, but something seemed off. If I tried to pump milk more than once a day, I was left in an incredible amount of pain.

So we had a certified lactation consultant come out. Different than the nurses and doctor's, this person's job is solely with infants and breastfeeding specifically.

First, she identified that I was using the wrong size breast shield. Some women mistakenly think they need a smaller shield, when in fact they need a much larger one. This was my case, and since moving up to larger shields, I've had a much healthier relationship with my pump. It's still not easy, but it's manageable. She also gave me several tips and pointers for more effective pumping methods. Despite my hours and hours of reading books and internet articles, having someone in person help you with your pump is simply a different experience. Regardless if your child has issues or if you have issues with using a breast pump, I highly recommend having a lactation consultant help you get started.

But she was really concerned with Ahsoka's weight gain. Of course she was concerned, Ahsoka was gaining even more slowly than she was before in the two weeks we had started to give her bottles on top of breastfeeding. So she observed  me feeding Ahsoka. She noted that I was literally holding my breast to Ahsoka's mouth; a maneuver I call "torpedoing" and hadn't realized that most moms do not need to "babysit" the latch in that manner. The she inspected Ahsoka's mouth and said - "this kid has a posterior tongue tie and an upper lip tie. She is having trouble latching properly, and she is probably having a terribly difficult time drawing and swallowing milk properly as a result."

I was in shock. EIGHT WEEKS of constant feeding, and supplementing, and worrying. They checked her mouth for tongue tie in the hospital and said that she did not have one. Not once since the hospital stay had anyone asked or checked or mentioned the possibility that she could have a tongue tie and/or lip tie. Truly, the only time I had heard about tongue ties and lip ties was very briefly in our Newborns 101 class where it was mentioned in passing as something that is very rare (it's not). The consultant gave me a referral for a couple of dentists in the area who are specialists who could perform revision surgery. She said it was up to us, but her exact phrasing was "I think if you choose to do a revision surgery for your daughter, you're going to see a world of difference."

After she left, I immediately made an appointment with the dentist for their next available appointment, which was two weeks out. The nice thing about the dentist we set up the appointment with is that they will do a consult and immediately do the revision if you so choose at that same appointment (with a laser, which is much less invasive than with a scalpel). I had an appointment for yet another weigh in with the doctor the following week, which gave me time to discuss the surgery with my doctor, and still have the dentist appointment in my back pocket.

The lactation consultant also gave us some great pointers for effectively supplementing Ahsoka's diet with the bottle as well. As a result, Ahsoka gained 11 ounces in the week between the lactation consultant and the next doctor's appointment (almost triple what she had been gaining each week). While this was very encouraging, I wanted to get to the point where I could breastfeed a meal or use the bottle for a meal - not both all of the time. At this point, I was still breastfeeding Ahsoka almost non-stop throughout the day and night.

Let me preface something. I love, love, love my OB/pediatrician. I still have her as my child's doctor and will continue to do so. But unlike dedicated lactation consultants who are typically called in when there is an issue and therefore run into lip tie and tongue tie issues on a consistent basis, my doctor just didn't have experience with these issues. At the next appointment she looked at Ahsoka's mouth and said that she wasn't convinced a revision surgery would help. She felt like Ahsoka had good range of motion with her tongue. But that it was ultimately up to us, and there certainly wasn't any harm in having the dentist do a consultation. We set another weigh-in appointment for a month later.

I was so torn. Was I considering a completely unnecessary procedure for my daughter? A deep dive into research on lip ties and tongue ties showed me yet another strong division in the world of babies - Simply put, some people believe that revision surgery is necessary, and some people do not. And there is a staggering amount of data to support both schools of thought. But what I found when I read about tongue ties and lip ties is that not only can they impact breastfeeding, but they can cause speech and dental issues later in life. This hit close to home with me because I personally had speech issues growing up, and I had braces/retainers for years (which was an awful experience in both cases). When I was little, lip ties and tongue ties were a relatively unknown thing. Ahsoka's tongue tie was even harder to identify because a posterior tongue tie is when there is a restriction at the base of the tongue (and most healthcare providers are looking for a restriction towards the tip of the tongue). This is likely why they did not catch her tongue tie at the hospital.

Something I have discovered as a new parent is that there are going to be many points in time where you have to look at the data, and make the best decision that makes the most sense for your situation and your family because there are always going to be studies and information and articles to support different parenting methods. And sometimes that decision boils down to "going with your gut". And you are going to make mistakes (hopefully not life threatening, but mistakes nonetheless). Furthermore, every child is different. What works for one child may not work for another child. And in the case of lip ties and tongue ties, you have to consider the severity of the restrictions.

During the consultation with the dentist the following week (Ahsoka was 10 weeks old at this point), I think I already knew in my gut that we were going to go with the revision surgery. But it helped having a trained professional confirm what I believed: That this surgery would help her breastfeed more effectively. That it would even help her take the bottle more effectively. That it would prevent potential speech and dental issues later in life. My husband agreed with me that going with the revision surgery was the best course of action.

They had us leave the room for the procedure, and brought her to us immediately afterwards to nurse. Ahsoka was screaming. I began to cry as I nursed her, but Ahsoka latched on and I felt better that I was able to comfort her.

The surgery wasn't the hardest part. For four weeks following the procedure, we had to stretch and massage Ahsoka's lip and tongue - Every four hours the first three weeks, and then phase out one stretch per day on the fourth week. Each time we had to do these stretches, Ahsoka would scream bloody murder. She also became much stronger in that time, and would squirm and jerk away from us. Her lip and tongue actually bled a couple of times (which is normal). It was awful. The worst time to do her stretches was at 2AM when I would actually have to wake her up for the stretch every night. I was already exhausted, but this process added a whole new level to new baby exhaustion. I think after the first week and a half, it wasn't so much painful to her as it was upsetting. But that thought did little to make it easier on either of us.

But I will tell you, almost immediately after the surgery, Ahsoka's latch was different. Along with the stretches, we had to do suck training to help her newly freed tongue and lip re-learn how to latch and unlearn some of our bad habits, but Ahsoka's latch was already different aside from us doing these exercises. She was sucking harder, staying at the breast for shorter periods, and refusing the bottle with the additional supplemental milk (we think because she was full).

At thirteen weeks old, Ahsoka had her next weigh-in appointment at the pediatrician. Not only was her weight on track, but she had caught up to the average weight for her age (50th percentile). Her doctor was completely blown away. Ahsoka's experience completely changed her mind about the revision surgery. And she believes the surgery is what put Ahsoka on track.

So that's my story. Ultimately, as hard as it was, I'm pleased that we had the revision surgery done. I'm even more  pleased that we are still breastfeeding. It's been a long road, but based on my personal preference as a mother, I'm glad we have been able to breastfeed for this long.

When I started out with breastfeeding, I said that I would be happy if we could do it for a month, for three months, for six months, for a year (etc); and after each of these milestones, I would see how realistic it was to continue. My next milestone is six months. I'd like to make it at least a year. When she's a year old, we'll see if we're ready to wean then, or if we want to try for 18 months.

Breastfeeding is another one of those baby things that has a huge amount of information and schools of thought as far as how long one should breastfeed. "The World Health Organization recommends exclusive breastfeeding (i.e. no other fluids or solids) for six months and then continued breastfeeding combined with solid foods for 2 years or as long as mother and baby desire."
I think overall, I'll know when the time to stop breastfeeding is right based both on my needs as a mother, my ability to keep my milk supply up; but mostly importantly and ultimately what Ahsoka dictates. She is, after all, the reason I'm doing all of this.

Playing Catch Up

It's been a long time since I've turned to this blog. It started out as a way for me to vent, and share my personal experiences as a new mom. I think after my companion Stewie passed away, it was really difficult for me to continue writing; especially since my last trimester in pregnancy, and my time as a new mom, was very difficult for me for a number of reasons.

I'm happy to report that as of today, I have a 15 week old happy, healthy little baby girl. We named her Ahsoka after our favorite character in the new Star Wars cannon (If you haven't read the novel "Ahsoka", I highly recommend it - it's one of my favorite books). Her middle name is two names, which is the combination of my two sisters - both of which love my new daughter dearly.

What I plan to do for my next few blog posts is to play a little catch up. It may not be today, or tomorrow, but I will catch up slowly in the very near future. I want to talk about my birth story. I want to talk about a little-know condition in babies called tongue tie and lip tie (which my daughter had revised, and the revision surgery has made an huge positive impact in our lives). I want to talk about how hard it is to breastfeed for so many moms, and what that experience has been like for me. I want to talk about so many things. I hope you're ready because I know I am.

I'm also back to working my day job, so between that and caring for seriously the best baby on the planet (I mean for me of course), my time is somewhat limited. But I also believe in the much needed therapeutic process of writing. It's always helped me, and I need to make sure that part of being the best mother I can be to my daughter is investing in self-care for myself. I need to show her how healthy it is to be good to yourself when you are taking care of your children. Furthermore, I realize the longer I am from the experiences of my third trimester and my time with my daughter as a newborn, the more I'm forgetting already. And I don't want to forget a single thing.

Also, "new mom brain" is a thing and the quality of my writing may suffer (I think it's mostly the sleep deprivation)... ye be warned.

“It felt absurdly nice to be taken care of. Maybe that was what she needed, even if she didn’t need it very often.” ― E.K. Johnston, Ahsoka