I Sleep in a Pillow Fort

I've always had insomnia, but sleeping while pregnant has come with some additional challenges. If I don't get my set up just right, I wake up with horrible back pain (often in the middle of the night), and my hips often bug me (pinched sciatic nerve), as well as my knees.

I did buy one of those fancy pregnancy pillows, but unfortunately that was a waste of money for me. What most pregnant women find to be a godsend, I was even more uncomfortable, especially my shoulders and neck. I tried to supplement the thing with extra pillows or a rolled up small blanket under my neck, but no dice. I woke up each morning with terrible neck and shoulder pain on both sides, and the pillow kept getting more and more stretched out, which negated the benefits of preventing me from rolling over onto my back during the night. In case you don't know, back sleeping is a big no no in pregnancy; especially once your second trimester starts.

So now I sleep with 7 pillows. Yep, that's why it feels like I'm setting up a pillow fort each night when I get ready for bed. I sleep with a pillow in front of me, a pillow behind my back (tucked slightly under my back so that I don't roll onto my back completely), a pillow behind my legs, and a pillow in front of my legs. Laying on my left side, I tuck those two leg pillows so that my left leg always sits on top of a pillow rather than the bed, and if I roll over, my right leg would do the same. Then I tuck another pillow between my legs. Then I tuck a small flat pillow under my belly (I could use a towel instead, but the flat pillow works). Then I have a pillow under my head, and another behind my head. I also have my stuffed panda bear for hugging in addition to the pillow in front of me.

This set up (because you're supposed to sleep on your left side as much as possible), is about the only way I can presently sleep comfortably *most* of the night, and that is not a guarantee the entire night. Eventually, I have to roll over onto my right side because even with the extra cushioning, my left hip inevitably starts to hurt.

Sometimes, I create a pillow throne so I can "lay" on my back to start out the night when my hips are really bugging me (which is really sleeping in a semi-seated position). So the pillow behind my head gets tucked under my head pillow. The pillow that usually sits under my belly, goes behind my low back, the two pillows from either side of my legs get stacked under my knees, the two pillows on either side of my front/back are now arm rests, and the pillow that goes between my legs and my panda bear go on either side of my head so that when I inevitably fall asleep, my head isn't left at an odd angle.

I also listen to a 20 minute meditation on my phone every night which starts out with a breathing exercise, and I usually pass out about half way through it.

This blog isn't complaining. This is me laughing at the ridiculous lengths I go to get some fucking sleep each night. Maybe it'll help someone else find their 'trick'. Because everyone is different, and everyone has to figure out what works for them.

Reassurance

I know it seems silly, and maybe the product of my anxiety, but there's something incredibly reassuring about being able to feel the baby kick the first thing in the morning. I love the gentle reminder that she's still here with me.

Most mornings lately I feel her almost immediately after I wake up, but I was sitting here for a while before I began to feel her move today. I immediately felt more relaxed once she started squirming and kicking. As my pregnancy progresses, feeling her move might seem less special or even uncomfortable; but for now, the flutters and kicks leave me feeling incredibly grateful.

Blinders

Every morning I like to wake up by drinking a cup of coffee and reading my Social Media feed. I start with a list I've made called 'Close Friends' (guess who's on that list), and then I look at my Pages feed. In the past year, the Pages feed, which is comprised of anything from comic creators to news articles, has been incredibly stressful to read. Even if I unfollowed every news page, the other people I follow would likely keep me abreast of every political and disastrous thing going on in the world. And I worry. I worry about the world I'm bringing my daughter into. I worry about how the current political environment will not only impact me as a middle class American, but how it will impact those in less fortunate circumstances.

I'm kind of prone to worry (anxiety) anyways... okay, scratch that. Let's be honest here. I have a generalized anxiety disorder that I manage through meditation and sometimes I don't manage it well it at all. I don't begrudge anyone that goes the medication route. Hell, I tried that route for a period of time, and simply found that I didn't like the result. So personally, I try to manage it by checking in with myself daily, meditating, staying present, and the overall tenants I have learned in cognitive therapy. I haven't been to counseling in a few years, but I know that at some point in my life, I will be back. And I'm not afraid or ashamed of that. That, to put simply, is what it is (a phrase I say often).

So what do I do with all of this worry? People tell me it's unnecessary. People have told me, even before I became pregnant, that I should unfollow all these pages that are causing me to worry. People tell me now that I am pregnant, it is especially important that I unfollow all of these pages that are stressing me out and causing me to ask these questions. Admittedly, sometimes I do just keep scrolling when I see something truly horrific on my screen... but most often, I don't, especially when human suffering is involved.

But here's the thing - While I don't want my anxiety to get worse, or to worry about everything and everyone, or attempt to put the world on my shoulders; I don't want to put on blinders either. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't keep the world in my view and prepare my daughter for it? And if I did start blocking out everything, what if I missed those all too important moments of good in the world? If I had stopped reviewing my Pages feed, I would have missed some wonderful stories of human triumph this very morning. This very morning a comic creator I follow posted something wonderful, and I shared it, and maybe someone else will read it and they will feel inspired too. Or maybe not, but it was an awesome story I am so glad I read anyways.

I don't live in a world of absolutes. I live in a world of wonder and 'what ifs', and beauty; and sometimes that world is also a world of destruction and horror and suffering. Sometimes I can help; either by donating time or the little bit of money I afford myself to donate to what I feel are worthy causes. Sometimes I am helpless (which is by the way my least favorite thing in the world) aside from who I choose to vote for, or sharing these things - not to horrify others - but to keep others informed as well. I don't want to pass my anxiety or stress on, but I think it's important we all stay informed.

Life is a balance, so I will continue to maintain my own balance with blinders off... at least for as long as I am able.

Baby Feels

I've been feeling baby moving around for the past couple of weeks (although it was super hard to tell at first if that was her or just my body being strange), but I hadn't been able to feel her from the outside of my body. But last night, her movements felt more pronounced.

So I had my husband put his hand on my belly, and he got to feel her moving for the first time. We cuddled for a while with his hand on my belly feeling her little movements. It was probably my favorite moment so far of the entire pregnancy. I could tell it was my husband's favorite moment too. His eyes welled up a bit, and he had the best smile on his face.

Then when he got up, I put my hand on my belly, and I got to feel her kicking too.

All in all, last night was kind of the best.

Side note: I'm pretty sure she's presently using my cervix for soccer practice. She's going to go pro!

Random Thought For Today - Sleeveless Maternity Clothes

And today's random pregnancy thought is:

Sleeveless or "off shoulder" maternity wear confuses me. How could you possibly support your now HUGE knockers with a strapless bra? Maybe it’s just me, because my boobs have doubled in size, but at this stage I'm all about being comfortable over being fashionable.

Blogging Again: This Time About Pregnancy And Babies

Let's see, where to start... It's been a long time since I've blogged consistently. I haven't started this blog with the intention of people seeing or reading this (beyond maybe a couple of family members or friends); but it occurred to me recently that being pregnant for the first time, I'm probably going through the same things that every other woman has experienced. Although that might be the case, all of this is very new to me; making this unique to my personal experience.

At the same time, I also realized that posting on my current social media accounts about all of these experiences might be either alienating or redundant to some of my friends and family. I figure by creating a separate blog, people who want to know or read about my journey into pregnancy and motherhood can; and those who don't really want to know, can blissfully continue their Social Media experience free of reading things like how my boobs have doubled in size, or that my belly button is already disappearing.

Some of the blogs might be lengthy, and some might just be quick thoughts about how strange all of this is to me. In case you don't know me, I marked this blog as having "adult content". Why? Because I really enjoy cursing, and I'm probably going to talk about bodily functions. While I intend to put an end to my verbal cursing, at least around the baby (because I swear if my baby's first word is "FUCK", I will never forgive myself); I will be cursing online forever... or maybe until my kid obtains their own Social Media accounts... you know, when they're 18, or maybe 21, or 30? 30 seems like an appropriate age for them to have Social Media, right?

 OH, also, this blog will have a lot of sarcasm. For that reason, I am going to moderate comments (you know, if they should occur) in case someone takes things I intend as silly or sarcastic as something serious. Trust me, after reading several other blogs or Social Media page comments, this seems to happen ALL. THE. TIME.

So here goes. Read at your own risk. I'm 36 and pregnant for the first time. I'm almost 21 weeks into this pregnancy already. I am a Jill of all trades; in love with Fantasy and Science Fiction in particular. I fully intend to raise my kid on a healthy dose of Star Wars, Marvel, Disney Classics, and so many other awesome things.

 Lastly, I love coffee, and I will never give it up. Science says I can have up to 12 ounces a day, and I will keep enjoying that one cup forever.