NYE 2025

Leading up to this New Year’s Eve, like many years, I have found myself reflecting on the year behind and what I want for the year ahead. While I don’t typically set lofty resolutions, I do like to think about what my intentions are for the new year and what I want to leave behind. I think for 2026 my word is going to be ‘Alignment’; not just externally, but internally, with my body, my energy, and my capacity.

In many ways I have spent 2025 abandoning my needs, ignoring my body’s burnout cues, and overall falling into old habits of people-pleasing and minimizing myself. 2025 kicked off with me finding out that the company I had been working for less than a year was shutting down operations. I was fortunate to find a new job with a new organization in June, but it hasn’t been the easiest transition. I don’t always do well in spaces where roles are not clearly defined; however, I know my value and I know that I am excellent at building systems and processes - which is what I was hired for. One thing I’m leaving behind in 2025 is my need to prove myself to anyone other than myself. I’m leaving behind the need to continue to own things that are no longer mine. 

I also spent time in 2025 worrying about things beyond my control (especially politically), and while I don’t plan to bury my head in the sand any time soon, I know that I want to learn to inform without absorbing. I want to take action without feeling overwhelmed. I want to honor my desire to stay involved locally in our school district, while also understanding that there are certain things that are simply beyond my control. 

So what does that bring into 2026? As always, I want to focus on being present. But not just present in my day to day and present with my kids (which of course I always want), but being more present in my body. Listening to my body’s need for rest and allowing myself to actually rest without feeling guilty about the lack of productivity in that moment. Listening to when my brain starts to feel chaotic and realizing that I need to take mental breaks too. Part of that is spending less time on social media (especially before bedtime). The last few nights I’ve been coloring while listening to a book and sipping on magnesium hot chocolate instead of my doom scroll (or hope quest), and I think that it’s been really helpful. Another part of that is being honest with myself instead of shoving down my feelings. 

I see the next year as keeping what expands me, and letting go of what consumes my energy. I’m not saying I want to become less generous or volunteer less. But I am saying that my energy is precious and I should treat it as such. 

Happy New Year’s Eve dear reader... if you got this far, well, thank you for sticking with me and my abandoned blog.

Level Up

 

I was traveling this week, which while I love to travel, I was traveling alone and navigating my general anxiety around air travel and driving long car rides alone. It's been tricky, trying to fall back in love with car trips while having, at times, crippling anxiety around driving in general. I've come a long way with managing the anxiety while driving; however, it's still managing around the feeling of anxiety. The anxiety doesn't go away, it's just sort of there and I'm managing it like a rowdy toddler who won't stop screaming and you've managed to turn down the noise just a bit with some ear buds here and there. 

So, on the drive back (2 hours), I decided to leverage some of the visualization techniques I've been trying lately to work through the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I asked myself what peace would feel like in my body. What would it feel like if I just let the anxiety go? Would it feel like relief? Would it feel like a loosening of the pressure I often feel in my chest lately. What would it feel like if I just didn't feel anxious? And while I can't say the anxiety went away completely, or didn't at least crop up during times I was driving over bridges or past semis that weren't staying in their lanes; overall, I felt good. And even when I got on the plane, I just didn't feel scared. I felt at peace and just happy to be where I was at.

Now granted, I also still utilized grounding, deep breathing, and even some prayer on my part. But overall, I was really pleased with this new way of approaching my anxiety. Not fighting against it, but letting myself feel it and then letting it go - or perhaps transmuting it into peace. 

I'm still working on allowing myself to ponder what certain emotions feel like in my body. I've been so disconnected to my body for so long because I was in chronic pain for so long I had to disassociate from my body in order to survive it. But now that I've identified the majority of my food triggers and my physical symptoms are generally manageable, I still tend to fall into that habit of being disconnected. so that's definitely a work in progress. 

What really started all of this was when I was meditating midday and asking myself what hope felt like in my body. Just a simple thing, or seemingly simple thing, recommended by a dear friend in one of my online communities. But it's changed everything. 

It feels like a leve up. Like this has become a huge shift. My goal right now is to stick with that feeling and continue to explore it.

The Price We Pay

I read somewhere and I often think that a common sentiment about grief is that "grief is the price we pay for love." And I used to believe that whole-heartedly... maybe up until just a few moments ago. But as I was meditating just now on what I need to let go of this month (mostly my need to control everything), I started thinking about my brother again. And it came to me that grief isn't the price we pay for love - grief IS love. 

Grief is the feeling in our body when we lose someone we love - yes - but it's also the way our love can transform when we feel that we have lost something we have loved. But the thing is, we never really lose that love, that love simply transforms. 

I have often over the last few years felt like I should be letting go of my grief over my brother; as if there was some magical moment in which I would no longer feel this intense loss. Moreover, I have felt an internal refusal to let go of that grief. A sense that if I let go of that grief that I am, in essence, letting go of my brother. That I am giving up, giving into that he died and that is the end of his story. But that isn't the end. He will always live on through my memories of him. He will always live on through the brotherly love he showed me. He will always live on because there is a part of me that believes his spirit is with me in some form (because it is).

And so what I've just realized is that my grief for him isn't want I need to let go of at all. What I need to let go of is the need to control how that grief is transforming - my love will never fade, and in a sense, neither will my grief. But that grief is transmuting into something else; a new form of love. That grief, over time, is slowly transforming into remembrance, into fondness, into the kind of love that endures through holding dearly everything my brother gave me to me throughout my life - put simply, love. The love of a brother, the love of an attempted mentor, a father figure (in some ways). The love of a deeply bonded sibling who got to know me over and over as I grew from a child, to a teenager, and into an adult.

I think for so long I've been so afraid to accept his passing because I was afraid that in that acceptance I would lose something. I hadn't identified what that something was. But I can't operate from a place of fear any longer - it's hurting me physically and mentally to keep doing this to myself. And my brother wouldn't have wanted that. And while I can't say I'm quite to that "acceptance" phase of grief yet, I can say that I slowly seeing in real time where that grief is transforming into something so beautiful - into the spirit of love and remembrance. Into the spirit of gratitude. Into the spirit of the collective.

So today, I am not letting go of my brother or the grief from his death. I am letting go of my need to control or hold on to the cycle of keeping my grief in the same place. The cycle of keeping myself in the same place. I am not letting my brother go, I am letting go of the fear and control that I have been clutching so tightly... because not only does it no longer serve me, but because I no longer need it. Only the the love remains, and that is more powerful than anything I could have ever imagined.

We're on a Road to Nowhere

 

I'm working hard at feeling my feelings today. I had a busy weekend throwing a birthday party for my now seven year old. But today I'm back to work at my day job - a job I found out last week will no longer exist in the next 4-12 months due to the company winding down it's operations. I know there will be other opportunities. But for the first time in my adult life, I found a place that I actually enjoy working for. 

My coworkers are so kind and caring. The company was so welcoming from day one. At times, the amount of positive feedback was overwhelming, especially coming from my last job, which was incredibly toxic. And now it's going away. I don't know what to do with myself this morning. All of my projects are on hold indefinitely. All of my work will go unused. 

I know it's just a job, but I'm mourning. And it's the kind of mourning that drags because this is a slow death. It's so uncertain since I won't know until they let me go when my particular job will end. It could be as early as April. I'm so hopeful about my next steps, but I'm still sad for this moment. My first instinct when I start to feel sad is to distract or delay, but today I'm holding space for these feelings. And yeah, this really fucking sucks.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing this out is because I know this is an opportunity to explore my shadow, my relationship with feeling the need to control things, when so much in life is uncertain. Also my relationship with grief and the uncertain way that can present in my feelings. This is an opportunity to explore my ability to let things go - or more accurately my inability to let go at times. As I was writing this, the song "Road to Nowhere" by Talking Heads came into my brain. It felt apt, but it also it's hopeful. So that's all the feels this morning. Or at least, that's the start of where I'm at.

2024 NYE Post

 

It's time for another edition of my way-too-long NYE post. I'm realizing that once again, I have neglected to write much this year, at least in the traditional Blog or journal sense. What I did this year instead, however, was checked in weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, sometimes semi-monthly, with a journal of ongoing intentions and reflection. It's been kind of an amazing year in that sense. Like most prior years, I checked the last two NYE Blog entries to see where I was at and how far I've come. I spent some time last night journaling about what I want the year ahead to look like.

My word or intention for 2024 was "Growth", and I believe that I did indeed grow. I grew in how I approached my spiritual practice. I continued to learn so much about my inner self and the person that I want to be. I grew in that I learned more acceptance for myself - acceptance for my past mistakes, acceptance for where I'm at in my life, and acceptance for what I can change, what I can do to empower myself. 

I grew professionally as I started a new job this year, which enabled me to do things that I've never done before, such as taking my kids on our first family vacation (that wasn't a road trip to visit relatives). I've learned so much in my new role, and I'm so excited to continue to grow my skillset with this company. 

I continued to grow in my role as a mom - I'm so grateful to be able to watch these amazing children grow and learn, and to learn what they need from me so that I can be the best mom for them. I know I have a long way to go in terms of supporting my oldest and her needs with ADHD, but I'm grateful that we started the process this year, and that we are working towards what she needs to be supported at school and home.

I grew a whole TikTok account I had never planned on making public and just kind of went for it. That's been wild too! I don't make much money from it, but it's fun having a different way to expand my creative wings.

I'm also so grateful that I've gotten back into reading this past year. It may seem counterintuitive, but I can also thank TikTok for that as there were whole fandoms built into the new series' I was picking up, and that's been pretty fun too.

I also looked at my journal entry from December 31st, 2023 - not the long-winded NYE post I put out publicly, but the journal entry I made about what an ideal day in the future may look like. I was both elated and surprised to find that numerous things from that "ideal day" had actually come true this year. It was such a beautiful realization. And while there are other aspects of my life in which I am learning to be more accepting and patient about, I decided to write another entry about what my future may look like a year from now. And through that process, I found what I want the word for the upcoming year to be - the overall intention. 

As per usual, I have no intention of creating lofty goals or resolutions for the year ahead; however, I would be remiss if I didn't at least admit that I am setting out to do some things that I want in my life.

To start, my word or intention for the year is "Balance", and that applies and is going to apply to many aspects of my life. 

I'm seeking out more balance in how my kids and I approach screen time. My oldest has called me out recently for being on my phone so often, and I feel like I'm seeing messages (literally) loud and clear to  "put my phone down". So, finding that balance will be a focus for me. My oldest always asks why she can't watch TV more, and I tell her it's because it's not good for her - but it's not good for me either. One reason is because when we're glued to our screens, we're not spending as much meaningful time together, and I don't want to miss out. So we're going to do more activities and less screen time. I can't say we'll cut screen time altogether, but we're going to figure out that balance together.

I'm also looking to find more balance with how I approach spirituality. Early in the year, I was putting so much energy into my practice that I sort of burned myself out a little bit - I took a huge step back, but that wasn't really where I wanted to be either. So I'm learning what ways I want to check in with myself in a way that feels both meaningful and timely. And that is the energy I want to bring into 2025. 

I'm also going to be balancing myself with work a bit more - I found myself working late evenings a lot this year because there's frankly so much to do, but my supervisor has told me that she does not want me to burn myself out (and of course I agree). I want to make sure that I'm giving myself more time to rest my brain, but I also want to make sure that I'm incorporating more movement into my day. I have this habit of just sitting in front of my screen all day, which I did nearly this entire year, and my body has felt repercussions from it. I was in a really good place physically in 2023, so I want to get back to that. Maybe not quite as obsessive as I was with working out in 2023 (again, there's a Balance I'm seeking here), but definitely in a way that feels aligned for me and to help with pain management.

Lastly, in terms of Balance, I'm going to find more Balance with my time on social media. Time with kids aside, I probably spent more of my private time on social media this year than any year prior. Even taking into account how much time I spent journaling this year compared to last year, I still spent any other time glued to my screen. I'm not sure what that's going to look like yet. Maybe I'll set timers in the evening, maybe I'll set a goal to only browse when I'm walking/cooling down from a workout on my treadmill. But that's an area where I do have a lofty goal. 

Other stay goals include continuing to read and enjoy my love of reading. Maybe even read more since some of my reading included re-reading Wheel of Time again (I started in early November for comfort and I just can't put it down). I want to read more things I haven't read already. I also want to try to read things outside of the Fantasy genera (this is a tough one for me, so we'll see). I also want to cut back on coffee, and drink more tea instead. And I want to start to try to garden this spring. I've started to collect various things like seeds and such, so we'll see how that goes with my black thumb - but I can't learn to do something without at least trying. So I'm going to try! Lastly, I want to find more opportunities to grow and contribute to my local community, to connect with other like-minded parents, and to find opportunities to help people whenever possible - I'm not sure what that looks like yet, but I am putting that intention out there for me to reflect on.

And that's it. I'm so grateful for my family, and I'm so grateful for my close friend this year. Despite the ups and downs, and the things that made the tail end of the year hard, I'm grateful for this year. I'm grateful for my growth. I'm grateful for where I'm at in my career. I'm grateful for my house and for learning new things. I'm grateful that I feel in a good place with my mental health (despite ups and downs there this year too). And I'm grateful that despite opportunities to exercise and eat a bit more healthy than I have been, that my physical health is still good as well. I'm truly so fortunate. 

Rapid Decompression

 

This past weekend, I went away from the weekend to a... we'll call it a retreat... to stay in a cabin in a secluded small town on the side of a small mountain in Oregon. I spent the weekend with several of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was such a beautiful experience. I thought traveling all day home yesterday would give me the decompression I needed... I was listening to Against Me! as I was driving home from the airport after starting the day early and traveling all day, and the song "Rapid Decompression" felt so appropriate as I moved from this momentous spiritual experience back to my family. I missed my children while I was gone, but I did not miss the city. When I was in the woods on the mountain, I felt so at peace, so at home. 

While I was there, I needed to take time to myself away from the wonderful people to recharge, to ground. I felt excited energy in the presence of so many empowered, intelligent, and open-minded people that I became anxious. There are definitely times when I mistake the power of excitement and big energy for anxiety; however, due to being used to living a relatively quiet life as a homebody, the anxiety did take over at times. But even then, being in a house full of other people who felt the same way, people who don't judge my need to take space for myself to breath and be alone, who don't judge for my need to chatter and express myself and to discuss deep topics - people who welcome discussion of those deep topics - rather than reducing all conversation to the mundane... it was amazing. 

When everyone was packing up on the final day, everyone seemed so happy to be heading back to their homes. But I was so sad. Not only because it's so rare for me to feel so much like myself in a group, but because I already felt like I was home - not so much because of the place even through it was amazing and I do feel called to leave the city for a quiet life - but because I felt so at home with the people. 

I feel so fortunate that I was able to give everyone a giant hug before leaving and to thank them individually for the time we spent gathered over the weekend and the individual energy each one of them contributed to the space. I felt like there was a piece of myself in each and every one of them and thanked them for that energy. 

With our Kitchen Maven, I thanked her for her "fuck you energy" because I too embody that energy at times. They also spent the weekend ensuring that there was food that I could eat and not have to second-guess how sick I may become all weekend. I thanked them many times throughout the weekend the way I would typically thank my food for nourishing my body. I'm still wearing the bracelet they made for everyone because I'm continuing to carry that gratitude with me as I decompress from the weekend.

With our Wit (I spell it this way because this person also reminded me of the character from the book series The Stormlight Archive in their ability to balance being both zany and incredibly intelligent and insightful), I thanked them for their energy because despite my feeling of being reserved, I too love to be zany and big in my body and facial expressions.

With our Texan-Alaskan, I also thanked them for their energy - they had this quiet, observant, contemplative demeanor throughout the weekend that I too felt at times and often feel through out these big moments, despite my ability to feel myself un-masked and able to be open. When they spoke, I could not help but quiet and listen because their respect for the nature of where they live, and where they've been was unmatched. 

With our Sparrow, words cannot describe how deeply I felt connected to this person throughout the weekend in both who we are as parents, and how our childhood experiences have shaped us as adults and parents. I felt so deeply privileged to hear them speak on their experiences and will never forget how touching it was to get to know them better in that setting. Their namesake was embodied and they shared their beautiful voice with us, and they are also one of the most badass people I have ever met with the way they move through the word.

With our Water Avatar, I thanked them for so many things throughout the weekend, but our final hug was such a powerful moment of human connection I struggle to find the all the words. Their ability to look at everything from a fear to potential moment of conflict with curiosity, openness, and opportunity for growth - along with their ability to step outside of themselves to engage with others to draw out their curiosity and growth was incredibly inspiring to me. How could this wonderful person exist with all this trauma and manage to be the kindest, most open person I have ever met? I was so concerned I may have caused a moment of tension and they were so kind in their response, I had a hard time accepting it at first. How could this person be this open? How could this person be so kind and genuine? And yet, much how the water in the river outside our back door this weekend flows over rocks, moving forward with beauty and intention, this person moves through the world with the beauty and intention of 

With our Harmonious Fox, the energy of connection that radiated from their beautiful smile down to their melodious voice ensured that everyone in the space could share their their inner-most-self and never be judged or dismissed all weekend. I watched them inspire others to share their voice (talking and singing) throughout the weekend, and I have so much admiration for the way they shared their voice with us. I had the opportunity to just sit back and listen to them and our Water Avatar in the hot tub discuss the way our brains work late one evening, and overall their insight and contributions to the conversations throughout the weekend truly created a safe place for us to drop the mask.

With our Dali (Goddess with golden hair - red - who would sit on cliffs, or in this weekend's instance, a rock by the creek), their energy so child-like in so many ways like myself, so resilient on their intuition and stubbornly resilient, despite the travel challenges, I was so lucky to be able to spend some additional time with them at the airport. While their travels were not ideal, they did not rage, they did not argue, they simply did their best in that moment and  moved forward with grace. Despite wanting to spend more time with this lovely person, observing their need for alone time next to the river was also a privilege. They too are an introverted homebody and I appreciated their need to ground and their insight on the anxiety aspect of being in a house with so many strong energies. They helped me move through the weekend in more than one way and it was so appreciated.

With our Autumnus (aka Rachel Weiss - sorry, not sorry), our energy also connected through our past. Our religious trauma and how that impacts family and the familiar trauma associated with it was such a strong connection point that I wish I had more opportunities to sit with them for long periods and see how their shape continues to take form as they learn to trust their intuition and find their needs being met. I know that we will continue to find more means of connections as we are on paralle journeys it seems.

With our Rhiannon (holy cow was that dress from Holy Clothing was amazing), our energies matched in terms of who we feel the need to be when we're engaging in the world versus who we get to be when we're engaged in a room full of people in which we can drop the mask. They were so kind and authentic, and their silent acts of service throughout the weekend and despite their health challenges, did not go unnoticed by me. I hope they know that they are so valued in everything they do - from the role they take at work in their service to those around them, to the way they showed kindness and and empathy when each person spoke in the room. 

With our Quiet Sparkle - you may have felt reservation, but your glittery dress seemed to be a symbol for your shine from within. You may feel unseen at times, but I see you and I think you are beautiful. I can't wait to go hiking with you some day. I can't wait to see your growth and your trust build with those around you within this group. Because you deserve to be able to feel safe, to trust those around you, and to feel trusted.

With our Luna, our midnight-hair friend with the smile that lights up the room and fills us with security in knowing that every avenue has been planned or explored. I think I looked forward to meeting them the most because from the very first time I connected with this group online, they were there to welcome me with so much compassion and empathy. I have felt a kindred spirit with them from the very first time I saw them smile. I appreciated and as someone who has been the planner, the type A, the one who makes it work for so many other people, I see you. 

With Our Chaotic Neutral Avatar, I commiserated with the energy of empowerment, that enables others to lead themselves, to strike their own journey. As someone who has been placed in a position of a reluctant leader, but has often found themselves supporting people from behind the scenes, I felt this. I admire their strength and courage to continue to move forward, to approach life and everything that would have devastated anyone if any one of those things happened to them, and yet they move forward with curiosity and growth. Their ability to persist, their natural gift to articulate their journey and to inspire others to determine the path of their journey without judgement, but with curiosity; without answering, but with enabling others to answer for themselves. It is truly a craft of spirit and generosity that I felt so lucky to witness.

I know I missed more things that I wanted to express here, especially since I'm finding this draft three months down the road, but I continue to take the energy of gratitude from this group and from all the things I've learned and continue to learn with the support of so many wonderful individuals. I can't wait to see them again.

And There Will be Sorrow

 

I just found out that my mom has been diagnosed with dimentia and potentially alzheimers disease. I'm sure I'm mispelling that, but for some reason Blogger doesn't have spell check and I'm just avoiding what I really need to be focusing on, which is processing this grief. I was attempting to fill out my monthly shadow work exercise about it, but I can't seem to get that to work. Why does tech always fail me when I seem to need it most? Maybe because I needed to get back to processing the way I process things best - by free form journaling about it into the blog that only I read. Seems good enough.

It's been a long month. August was filled with so much joy and yet so many things seemed to have gone wrong. Early on in August, I was asked by my sisters to meet them in Southern IL where I grew up to hang out for the weekend. Somehow that got turned into visting my mom and having a discussion with her about her going into assited living. She's beeing living w/ my Aunt since December, and has essentially gotten to a point where my Aunt, her twin, has become her fulltime caretaker... much to the detiment of my Aunt's mental and physical health. As we were sitting there with my mom, it because pretty apparent pretty quickly that my mom was not in a good place mental health wise. And despite my Aunt's assertion that she was working on getting my mom to work on taking care of herself again, that my Aunt was definitely still taking care of my mom. 

They had come to visit me in the Spring and said at that point in time that my mom had been doing so well up until her migraines had started. But I know my mom, in some ways on a level that I don't think my Aunt truly understood, despite their closeness. Upticks in my mom's "migraines" have almost always been synominous with my mom's depression modes. Being raised and living in her house throughout childhood was always a roller coaster between the depression states and the manic states. My mom has had so many diagnosis throughout our lives, but the bi-polar one seems to be the one that has made the most sense. And since my brother died five years ago the rollar coaster has only gotten more intense. She has been in the hospital yearly instead of every few years or longer. And every time it seems to get a bit worse. This last time last winter, she had lost the will to live, she had stopped eating, getting out of bed, taking her meds, everything. In December, my Aunt had mom come live w/ her supposedly temporarily. Then they got some home health care for mom and it sounds like they saw a vast improvement in mom's mental and physical health. Aunt D kept claiming that mom had bene so much better, they didn't need the home health anymore... which probably means that my mom seemed so much better because she was in another manic phase. And then came the crash, shortly before they came to visit me. When they were there, my mom as usually claimed to have a migraine for most of the visit and stayed in bed. But evne when I did talk to her, I knew something was off. Mom has always been good and putting on a good face for a day, but the mask quickly slipped, and I knew it was more than just her hearing. She just wasn't keeping up with conversation. Something just wasn't right.

Then earlier this month... she had lost so much weight. And when we asked, there were more excuses. But both my sister and I observed that Mom wasn't with it. She was certainly less with it than when I saw her in the Spring. I walked around her house and observed how far into disrepair the house had fallen... it felt like my mom's physical health and the state of the house were almost connected... they... neither were/ are in verty good shape.

I was so fucking proud of myself though... my focus became about me.. which now I feel like an asshole about it. I was so proud that when I started to disassociate that I stopped, recognized what was happening, and asked myself how I was feeling, which was sad. I felt sad, and I let myself feel that way. After the visit, which felt so heavy, I was so excited to tell my Shadow Work group about it, but of course I didn't get the chance because immediately after that, I went on vacation. Then after vacation, I dove head first into work, then I got covid, which knocked me on my ass for over week... I'm still recovering.

Now today I found out what was so off about my mom all along. The entire time we were visiting with my mom, the one thing she said is that she just wants to be back in her house again... and now, feeling like an asshole for feeling so proud of myself instead of feeling for my mom, I know that's not possible. She'll never be able to live there again. there's no temporary living situation for her anymore. She needs to go into a nursing home with a specific care for dimentia patients. She never gets to go home. 

She's lived in that house for 40 years, and now she can't go home. I'm so grief-stricken for her. I'm so sad for myself and the feeling that I can't go home either. Earlier this month, I was talking about the grief of growing up and realizing when your parents are no longer able to take care of themselves - and that is legitimate, but I guess I'm feeling like an asshole because how much more painful is it for my mom who has to deal with the grief of losing her own mental faculties, and never getting to go home? The grief of a woman who has been a prisoner of her own mental health her entire life, and now is having decisions made for her, who feels like she's going to be abandoned to this facility?

And I'm grappling with this helpless feeling because I'm over 10 hours away. And while it makes sense for her to be in a facilty near my Aunt D, mom has never wanted to be far form her, how long can Aunt D keep that up in her age and state? How will seeing mom impact her?

It's just a lot. So this is me just writting it all out in attempt to being to process it. It's heavy. It's feelings with nowhere to go. And it... well, it fucking sucks.