As I sit here waiting to leave my house to hop on a flight for the first time in over 5 years, I can't help but... panic. Like, just full on, panicking. Breathing techniques are not touching this. What do I do with this feeling? Well, blog about it of course. Let's fucking break this down into tiny pieces, pull back the layers; and hopefully by the time I'm through, I'll leave for the airport in a slightly better state than what I am in at this moment.
I've been an anxious flyer for a long time. Initially, I think it boils down to control and surprise. I'm not a pilot. I'm not flying the plane. I can't control what the plane is going to do, or where it's ultimately going to go. I'm just along for the ride. As much as I hate to admit it, I hate not being in control. And not only do I not to get to control or see the path forward, but I don't get to control when I get to drink next or eat a flight approved (and let's face it, not likely gluten free, so I'll be waiting much longer) snack, or even I get to get up and go to the bathroom. It's all at someone else's discretion.
Now for the surprise. SURPRSE! I hate turbulence. I mean, who likes turbulence? It's an unexpected drop or swerve, or large movement that you can't anticipate in anything other than a "this may happen on this flight" sort of sense. However, my hate streams more from my personal extreme sense of "OH SHIT, I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE" whenever there's turbulence. I also think that I have a rather sensitive... I'm not sure what... system? Brain? Stomach? All of the above? While everyone else on the plane seems to go "well, this is rather inconvenient, better put my seatbelt on", I'm bent over feeling like my stomach has been launched into my throat; trying desperately to avoid screaming. I also hate roller coasters. That slight feeling of weightlessness is terrifying to me. Bad news, I don't think I'm going to ever be an astronaut.
Now, let's take a step back and dive in even deeper to that "OH SHIT, I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE" feeling I get. I mean, that's truly the heart of it, right? I'm terrified of dying. I'm scared shitless that I'm going to die and all of this whole existence will be snapped away. Furthermore, I'm afraid of dying and that there's literally nothing next - at least no conscious "next". Further, furthermore, I'm afraid of dying and traumatizing my kids the same way I was traumatized when my dad died when I was a young child. It really does often boil down to my kids and never wanting for them what I had.
I think I'm also a bit more anxious for this flight than in the past because this is the first time that I will have ever been away from my kids (except for during the work day). That has a bit to do with it. I'm already missing them and I haven't even left yet.
I need this. I need a break. I need the mental break from both my day job and the complexities and needs of everyone around me all of the time at home. And it's just a weekend. It's just three days, only two of which I'll be gone from morning to night.
But I'm a little sick thinking about not waking up with them every morning or being there at night to see them to bed. Maybe this will get easier as they get older, but for now, they need me and I feel like I'm abandoning them a little bit. They will be fine with their other parent of course, and their other parent has certainly been away from the kids for extended periods more than once. And there's ways to chat with my kids while I'm gone (thank you technology); but that doesn't take away from the notion that I'm also a little terrified something bad will happen while I'm not with them too.
And now I think I've just managed to peel away another layer. Because that's part of this too. I'm terrified something will happen when I'm not around to be there for my family. And I know the why already. There's no surprises there - I've lost so many people that I'm often terrified of when I'll lose someone else. And that has only intensified with having kids.
And there it is. I really thought the fear of my own death was going to be the final layer there. But it's more that I'm afraid of loosing the people that I love. There's some part of me that thinks that if I can just control everything around me enough (going back to that control layer), I can keep everyone safe. And that's just not how life works. However, getting my rational and irrational part of my brain to get on the same page for this... it's unlikely to happen. I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of years of counseling. But I don't think I'm ever going to stop being terrified of losing someone else.
Well, that concludes this episode of, I'm having a panic attack. Time for some more breathing exercises and mantras.
