It wasn't out of nowhere, this feeling, missing you, and finally breaking down and crying. It had been building inside of me for a long time. It started at the beginning of September with Suicide Awareness Month, and continued through Facebook memories of when we found out we had lost you. I cried then, in September, thinking that's what I needed. But it was still there, the grief, sitting in my back of my mind waiting for me to see it, and spill over all over again.
And just now, in a moment of attempting to relax while my brain feels like it's splitting apart, rubbing my beyond tense neck and shoulders, the grief came pouring out again. It was missing you, all over again. It was that sense that you should be here, but that you still aren't. I know that there's part of me that will always hang on, some odd sense of hope that this was a mistake and that I'll see you again. What is it about this specific grief that is so unwilling to get to the "acceptance" phase.
Once again, I recognize that I do not desire to reach that phase. It seems kind of silly in a way... logically I know that grief isn't linear, and that one doesn't just reach a phase just because one feels as though they should. I know that we can slip in and out of these so-called phases too. I know that you are gone... and yet... I think the hardest moments come from that self-perpetuating sense of hope. I expect you to be here, so when I think about not being a phone call away, it's just... no, I'm still trying to logic my way out of this one, and there is no logic here. It's just me, sad as fuck that you aren't here and trying to convince myself that I can be over it... but I'm not. I'm sad and I'm alone with my thoughts, so it's hitting me and I need to allow myself to feel this. That's one truth that I know for certain... if I keep shoving down the feelings as I'm so prone to do, they will in fact keep resurfacing in the worst possible ways. I just need to allow myself this moment. It's just a moment, and it will pass. But for now, I need to feel sad.
